


time has told me (you're a rare, rare find)

by peacefulboo



Series: time has told me [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Adoption, F/M, Future Fic, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2020-11-24 06:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 89,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20903429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacefulboo/pseuds/peacefulboo
Summary: A few years after Virtue and Moir retire, Scott's third girlfriend in as many years breaks up with him, but while doing so plants a seed that changes his life's trajectory in a massive way.In the mean time, Tessa has been working, and thriving, overseas. Until she's not.When she comes home to find things the same but so, so different, will they be able to establish a friendship again or will the things they didn't say in their years apart be too much of a hurdle to overcome?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been percolating in my brain for more than a year and I started writing it about ten months ago. Thank you to the usual suspects for the cheerleading, encouragement, and close reads. Y'all legit make this writing shit possible. 
> 
> Reminder that my philosophy on RPF fic is that it's all AU and nothing I write in fictional 'verses has any bearing on the real lives of the people whose names and faces I've borrowed for this world. 
> 
> ***Warning***
> 
> There is a brief, non-graphic discussion of both domestic and sexual abuse in the life of a tertiary character. It is relayed in the section labeled "February 20th, 2023". Feel free to find me on tumblr or twitter to ask any questions you might have.

July, 2021

Scott has had three serious girlfriends in three years. And he has been optimistic and foolhardy enough to believe that it was going to work out with every single one of them. They are bold women, strong and accomplished in their own rights. They are, all three, kind women, who work well with people and know how to have fun in their down time. They’re all up for travel and adventure and enjoy their time in his company. 

But none of them are willing to make a go of it with him in the long run. They all see, eventually, what he refuses to see. He wants a family more than he wants any one of them in particular. He likes them, maybe loves them in some way, but not a single one has managed to get him to let them in. Not truly. 

They’re out at the lake, Scott and Lily, the latest woman who plans to let him go. They’re sitting on a sandbar, drinking beer and soaking up the last of the sun, watching as it makes its way below the horizon. 

“I’m gonna give it to you straight, Scott Moir,” Lily says as the sky turns golden. 

“When have you ever done anything different, Lily Becket?” he asks with a sad grin.

“Oh, my dear friend. I hold more back than you can fathom,” she answers with a tight smile. 

He looks at her then, his arm on his knees, his head resting on his arm, but he stays silent, giving her the space to say her piece.

“You would make one lucky woman a fabulous husband,” she says. “And if I was the kind of person that was content with only a fraction of your heart, I’d be glad for it to be me. But I’m not. If I ever marry, I want it to be with someone who wants me with everything he or she has.”

Scott starts to protest, but Lily presses her beer against his lips and shakes her head. “It’s time for all the adults here to recognize the truth and accept it for what it is. You, Scott Moir, are not in love with me. You want to want me, and we’re so good to a point, but...” She shrugs her shoulders. 

“I’m trying,” he says as he rests his forehead against is bent knees. “You are incredible, Lils. There’s no reason on this earth that I shouldn’t be head over heels for you. And sometimes...”

“We’ve had some good times, buddy, and you’re a good man,” Lily says. “And you want a family so dang bad you can taste it. And you are going to be such a good daddy some day.“

“But not with you?” Scott says, resigned. 

“I want babies, too. But I want them with someone who can only imagine having babies with me. Not with someone who is more interested in having kids than being my spouse. I’ve just seen too many marriages go sour like that to want it for myself.” Lily swallows and pauses before smiling softly. “But let me tell you a little secret. You can have kids without a wife. And maybe for you, going the kid route first is what you need to pursue.”

“So what, I sleep with some woman, knock her up, which I’ve managed to avoid up ‘til now, and then coparent with a stranger?” He asks. He isn’t buying everything she’s telling him, but his brain latches on to the idea of having a kid without a marriage. It’s not that he’s never seen it happen before, he’s seen it many times, but it’s not something he’s ever expected to need to look into for himself. 

“God, you’re so narrow in your thinking sometimes,” Lily says with exasperated fondness. Lily says and Scott scoffs again. 

“I’m sorry if I’m not exactly clear headed when you brought me out to the lake to break up with me and tell me to go make a baby with someone else.”

“Scott,” Lily says, compassion and impatience warring in her voice. The compassion wins out for now. “You could adopt. Or there’s surrogacy if you definitely want your own progeny.”

“That’s…no,” he tells her with a shake of his head, like either of those options might as well be like asking him to consider permanently moving to Russia. 

“Yes. I’m not talking crazy here,” she says as serious and straight forward as she can. “Sure, you like the companionship of a woman, and you think that any good woman will do for a wife.”

Ouch. “Am I really that bad?” he cuts in. 

“Oh buddy,” she tells him. “You try so hard and you do your best, but yeah. The last year with me has been about seeing if I’ll be a good mom for your future kids, more than a good wife for you before, during, and after those kids have come and gone.”

He stares out at the water and the darkening sky and shakes his head. “I could never raise a kid on my own,” he tells her. “Do they even adopt out kids to single guys?”

“You could and they do,” she says. “I imagine it’s harder than other options, but it’s possible, and with your history, your excellent references with coaching and, frankly solid bank account, I think you’d likely qualify. It would take some time, though,” she tells him. 

“And this talk is you removing yourself from the running of future wife and mother of my children?” he asks.

“I am officially breaking up with you, Scotty-boy,” she says as she takes his hand in hers and sighs. “In another life, maybe we could have been great together -- if I was a little less romantic -- but I am not built for anything less than a grand romance with someone who is all in with me. I wish that was you just as much as you wish it was you, because you are good, and you are kind, but you don’t love me like that and I won’t settle.”

He nods and lifts her hand to his lips and kisses it. 

Winter 2021-2022

Scott takes Lily’s words to heart. First he examines what she’s said about his desire to have kids and how that’s affected how he’s approached his relationships. He calls up one of his old therapists and they talk it out for weeks. He comes to the conclusion that for now, he’ll remain single, if not celibate. He thinks that with his first girlfriend post retirement that he was into her, that he was in love with her, but there were some timing issues and things they both needed to work out and in the end, they decided to go their separate ways. Then with the girlfriend before Lily, they seemed to be on the same page, and he was getting ready to propose to her when she moved across the country. She wanted him to move with her, said that they could get married and start a family once she got settled in at her job there, but Scott balked at the idea of leaving his family and teams now that he finally gets to be in their lives in the day to day. His parents are starting to get older, and a few of their friends have passed recently, and Scott doesn’t want to miss any more time with them than he already has. So he broke up with her and fell head first into a relationship with Lily. 

He can see now that she’d been pulling back more and more, but he’d been busy enough to ignore it for awhile. He also knows that he already knew his heart wasn’t with her and a few times in his last month, he’s questioned his sanity because not being madly in love with Lily made no sense. Lily is smart and hilarious and a freakin’ knock out. She’s a local with roots in the London area but not someone who grew up in his orbit and he knew that he could make it work with her, sparks or no. And it’s not even that there weren’t sparks. Their sex life was great. They had fun together. But they never connected on that deep, soul level. Scott doesn’t blame her for wanting more. 

He wants more, too. 

The dreams start after his third session with Dr. Fuchs. His subconscious starts to imagine what his life would look like as a single dad. He dreams of a chubby baby girl with rosy cheeks and the bluest eyes that break his heart when they’re full of tears, and he dreams about a dark haired toddler, who runs everywhere he goes and falls so often that he learns he doesn’t have to cry about it, but who runs over to Scott to show him his ouchies, asking for kisses. His brain cycles through so many different kids -- different ages, different genetics, different personalities -- and in his dreams he loves them all and is bereft when he wakes and none of it is real. It doesn’t take long at all for him to decide that he’s ready to explore what his options for starting a family might look like, even if it’s on his own. 

He’s over at Charlie’s house late one night, Nicole and the kids have already gone up to bed, when Scott tells Charlie about his conversation with Lily, knowing that his quiet but wise brother will have insight that Scott can’t have from his vantage point. Charlie doesn’t say anything until Scott is done telling him why it didn’t work out with Lily and the path she’d started him down. Charlie takes a moment to look off into space and think and Scott knows better than to rush him. Watches as his brother does his silent processing. 

After a few minutes Charlie nods and says, “Are you leaning toward adoption or surrogacy?”

“Adoption,” Scott answers honestly. “It’s not like there aren’t enough little Moir kids running around. And I just think it would be too hard to watch a woman I’ve hired to incubate my child be pregnant and then cut ties with her,” he answers. 

“Yeah, you’d be very bad at that,” Charlie agrees. “Single parenthood is no joke, dude,” he adds. 

“It will be hard,” Scott agrees, “But I have to believe it will be worth it.”

“Will?” Charlie says with a raised eyebrow. “You’re already that serious about it?” 

Scott sighs and nods, “I mean, if all of you guys tell me you think I can’t do it, or even that I shouldn’t do it, I’ll obviously take that under advisement and at least put it off until we can address whatever concerns you have, but yeah. I’m in the planning stages now.” It feels weird to admit this, but he’s been researching and looking into all the different options and he’s pretty sure he’s got the beginnings of a plan. 

“Oh you can do it,” Charlie says with a huff of a laugh. “You’ll likely even be good at it. It’s going to be hard as fuck,” he adds with his customary frankness, “but you’re good at doing hard things.”

Scott has to laugh at that. He has done a few hard things in his life, true, but never alone, “Only ever with her,” he murmurs honestly. It’s both strange and comforting how easy it is for Tessa to crop up in conversations that have nothing to do with her after all this time. He realizes he should probably call and check in with her sometime soon. 

“So you take what you learned with and from Tess and you use it now,” Charlie says. “But don’t sell yourself short. You can do hard things without her; you already are.”

After countless additional conversations with his brothers and parents, and a shit ton of research, Scott decides to initiate the process to be considered for a private adoption. He wrestles with his decision to forgo public adoption and fostering, but in the end rules it out for now. If it looks like no one is interested in choosing a single guy for a placement, he’ll reevaluate, but, frankly, he wants the chance to raise his child from birth if possible. It feels a little selfish, but if he doesn’t get to experience watching a woman he loves grow and change with his baby, he at least wants to have the full parental experience beyond that: sleepless nights, spit-up, endless crying and all. 

The paperwork takes him months to complete and is in depth and incredibly invasive in a way he resents at first, but is ultimately grateful for. He has nothing to hide from the agency and he’s glad that adopting isn’t something that one can do on a whim. He has multiple chances to back out and change his mind, but he never does. He hasn’t felt this sense of dread and anticipation in a long time. And he’s never felt it for something he’ll have to take on alone. Frankly it’s weird, and there has been more than one time that he’s reached for the phone to call Tessa and pick her brain, or get reassurance, but something stays his hand every time. He’s yet to identify what exactly it is that keeps him from confiding in her, but he also has little time or energy left over to examine it too deeply. At the very least he knows that he wants to completely own his decisions, the good and the bad ones. 

Tessa is far from the only person he’s kept the information from. Other than his family, he tells no one that he’s even looking into the process. It’s the first Olympic season after Pyeongchang and, and the profile pieces on him and Tess have increased, just like they all knew they would. They’ll be there in Beijing, doing color commentary and different fluff pieces. He had thought about declining the offers, but the money is good and it will be interesting to go to the Olympics when there is less pressure, when he can mostly just enjoy the experience as a spectator. 

That he’ll get to see Tess for the first time in over six months is also a motivating factor. He misses her like crazy when he lets himself think about her, which isn’t often. He’s gotten very good at blocking her out of his mind, even when skating, but the times when he lets himself remember, there’s something like an ache that pulses just behind his solar plexus that he can’t get rid of for days. They were right to pursue their different paths after they retired, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his partner, his friend. Though he’s absolutely made his peace with their diverging paths he’s looking forward to getting to spend almost three weeks in her presence again. 

He gets to see her face earlier than anticipated when she texts him and asks if he’d be down for a video chat to discuss their strategy in Beijing. 

“Oh Virtch,” he laughs. “It’s good to see your face.”

The connection is decent if a little blurry. Tessa is fresh-faced, her hair pulled back, and she looks a sleepy, which makes sense given how late it is in Tokyo. The genuinely happy smile on her face when she first sees him spreads warmth through him. 

“It’s good to see yours, too,” she tells him and if his ears don’t deceive him he thinks she might be a little choked up. Huh. 

“You doing okay there, T?” he asks allowing concern to color his question.

“I've had better weeks,” she answers with a small frown.

“And you somehow think seeing my face is going to help?” He jokes.

“Surprisingly, it is helping.”

It must be helping, because as the conversation continues she relaxes, snuggling in amongst her many pillows, and her smile and laugh come more easily. 

They talk for almost an hour, primarily about their plans for Beijing, as they look over some proposals that CBC sent them and make notes on what they are and are not comfortable doing. Tessa even introduces him to her cat, Topher, a gray and white short hair, with a cranky disposition who stays in Tessa's lap during the entire conversation, but who looks disgruntled about it the entire time.

“You would think he has no choice in the matter, as if he's not the one to crawl into my lap to cuddle.”

The call ends when Tessa’s boyfriend Ty gets home from work and it’s time for Scott to head into Kitchener anyway. 

“We’re going to the Olympics,” Tessa says with a childish excitement, so reminiscent of when they got to go the first time, that Scott has absolutely missed. 

“We are. Again. And we don’t even have to feel like throwing up the whole time,” he winks at her as he plays along. 

“That’s the best part, no doubt.”

“See you soon, T,” Scott tells her by way of goodbye. “I’m glad I got to see your face.”

It isn’t until later that he realizes that she never told him what had been bothering her, and he never asked. 

*

When Scott submits the last of the initial paperwork to be considered for adoption, there is a thrill of nervous anticipation, and not a little fear. He’s considered waiting until after Beijing to submit the paperwork but knows that it takes awhile for everything to be reviewed and he’ll likely need to submit clarifying documents before another round of interviews happen and he’s been warned that since he’s single the birth parents willing to place a child with him may be few and far between. Scott has never been a very patient person, but he’s willing to wait in this case. Wait and hope and keep living his life. 

Beijing is like a fever dream. His life back home as gotten very quiet and maybe a little monotonous. He chafed against it for the first year or so after retirement, not used to staying in one place for long, but now he's grown like his small town life almost as much as he always thought he would. 

At the Olympics, it’s incredibly weird to not be competing and also very weird that they ever did. Most days he almost feels like those accomplishments belong to someone else entirely. Still, as the weeks fly by, the relaxed approach that comes with _not_ being at the games to compete, makes him itch a little. He has a lot of fun anyway and he gets to see more events than ever before, though he focuses on the skating. This time he and Tess are the ones asking stupid questions about how well pairs and dance partners know each other, what their rituals are, who is grumpier in the morning. They also get to be there in the capacity of mentors for some of the younger teams in a way they didn’t ever have the energy to give in the past. It’s a role that they’ve both grown into and it’s amazing getting to do it side by side with Tessa. 

While in Beijing he puts the adoption process out of his mind and commits to fully soaking in the thrill and relentless pace of the games. But mostly he does everything in his power to enjoy the time he gets with his former partner. She’s brilliant in this role, both on the television side of things and as a mentor for members of both Team Canada and the Japanese skaters she’s been working with for the last year. There’s a lightness and openness to her that she’s never been able to have before. She has always been the epitome of grace under pressure, but she’s thriving now, getting to be a complete person in a way that maybe she hadn’t had a chance to be when she was in Canada and constantly under a microscope. 

“I’m so proud of you, T,” he tells her one night after they’ve wrapped a team event. One of the Japanese ladies she’s gotten close to had a disastrous skate in the short and Tessa, who was always kind but not particularly nurturing, had comforted her and encouraged her and even coaxed a small smile out of the girl. 

Tessa peers at him with a crinkled brow for a moment before giving a quiet, “Thank you,” and they move on to their next event. 

When they part ways at the end of the games, it’s with promises to be better about keeping in touch (it’s still sporadic) and with conversations about Scott possibly visiting Japan in the summer (he doesn’t). When he gets home, the adoption agency is miraculously ready to start the home study and interview process and Scott gets completely caught up in the nerves and anticipation that this next step brings and all the rest of his energy goes to his skaters at ISC and KWSC. The joy of the Olympics and getting to be with his best friend again eventually fades and life continues on. 

October 3rd, 2022

It takes months after getting the initial approval for Scott to hear that there is interest from a birth mom in placing her child with him. There is a Skype interview that he’s incredibly nervous for, but he thinks it goes okay. 

Okay, isn’t good enough, and the woman chooses another home for her child. It’s the first of three such incidences in a span of six weeks, and while Scott handles it as well as can be expected, it wears on him and leaves him with a low level nausea that never quite goes away. His family is a steadying presence, and they help him ride the waves of emotion that toss him around during the process, but even with as many adrenaline rushes -- and crashes -- as he’s experienced in his life, nothing comes close to how tumultuous and devastating this process is for him. 

And at the heart of it, he’s doing it alone. 

December 28th, 2022

Scott and Tessa manage to meet up for dinner a few days after Christmas when she’s home for the holidays. They hug for a full minute in front of one of their favorite pubs in London and when they part, Scott leaves his arm around her and she rests her head back against his shoulder as they make their way to their table. Her hair smells different and it throws Scott off a little, but he’s lived enough life to know things change; little things like shampoo brands and big things like houses and significant others. 

“Catch me up on your project with the Japanese Fed,” Scott asks, knowing that he just needs to get her going and she’ll fill the hour. She’s not always a chatterbox, but experience tells him that if he gets her started on her favorite topics he just has to prompt her and sit back, listen and watch. Which he does. She can be so animated when she’s comfortable, her hand gestures get wild and her voice rises and falls, gets huskier and more vibrant. Her eyes light up and he’s so happy that she’s found this new passion of mentorship in her new home that she seems to love. 

He listens and prompts her with his most thoughtful questions, soaking up every piece of information she’s willing to give him, but is mostly just watching and enjoying being with her. It’s like, in these moments, some part of him that’s been restless and frazzled, settles. Even when she talks about her boyfriend and their home and how their cat loves to sleep in their house plants, he eats it up and does everything he can to pull more information, more of _her_ out of her. 

There are a few moments when her jaw tightens and she swallows in just the way she used to when she was focusing through pain and after the third time he has to ask, “What’s hurting, T?”

“What?” she asks, visibly startled. 

“You’re hurting,” he prompts. “Right?”

“Oh,” she says, dropping eye contact. “I’m fine.”

Scott mock glares at her until she looks at him. 

Tessa glares back and answers, “Cramps,” with a shrug. 

When she used to tell him that, he didn’t really get it. He still doesn’t exactly, but his comprehension that menstrual cramps can be incredibly heinous has solidified in the last few years so he purses his lips in sympathy and says, “I read somewhere that those can hurt worse than a heart attack. I’m sorry you’re in pain.”

“That is what they say,” she says with a little laugh. 

“I’m also sorry that I wasn’t always good at seeing or understanding your pain all those years. I was such a dick sometimes.”

She inhales deeply and nods as she looks down at her plate and runs her fork through the potatoes that are left there. “And I wasn’t always good at sharing it with you. No need to apologize anymore, Scott.” She looks at him when she says his name and her face is clear and bright and there’s something in there that he should probably try and pursue, but she’s cut herself off now and he decides to let it go because their time together is limited and they’ve hashed this stuff out before. 

He nods in agreement and takes another sip of his beer. 

“Tell me about you,” she prompts. “What’s new?”

He tells her about coaching, and his newest niece. He tells her more about the house he bought last year and some of the changes he’s made there. He tells her that his mom and dad are doing well and that Sheri had another kid (she already knew this). He tells her, with a small shrug, that he hasn’t found anyone to spend his time with since he and Lily broke up and that he’s surprisingly okay with this. He doesn’t flinch when her smile softens with compassion and her eyes fill with curiosity. 

He tells her almost everything. 

Almost. 

It’s hard when their night comes to an end and they have to part ways at the pub door, but it’s something he’s gotten used to over the last few years. He closes his eyes tight as she hugs him with a fierceness he’d forgotten existed and as he breathes her in, he does his best to commit this new scent to memory. 

He wonders what else will have changed by the next time he sees her and tries not to wonder how long they’ll go this time. 

February 20th, 2023

On the five year anniversary of their gold medal win in Pyeongchang, Scott is experiencing another insanely important moment in his life. Maybe the most important one to date. 

“Are you sure that placing your son is what you want?” he asks. “I could help you find a way to keep him if that’s what you would prefer.”

The teen with the dark curly hair shakes her head. Her legal counsel is with her, a kind looking older woman with light hair and a carefully neutral look on her face. Alma is with him; he figured her presence would be calming for him and maybe for the girl as well. He isn’t sure if it helps. 

“Really, I would,” he insists. “I will.”

“Look, sir,” she says. “I don’t want this kid. He is something that was done to me by a gross old man who made me believe he loved me and then left me stranded in the streets once he had a few weeks of fun. I don’t love him and I don’t want him.”

Scott has to fight to keep his face neutral as he absorbs her words. His stomach churns. 

“Okay,” he says trying to convey as much acceptance and empathy as he can with that one word. He makes a mental note to figure out a way to help her in the future, in addition to adopting this baby. “Do you have any questions for me?”

She may not have great affection for the fetus growing inside her, but she obviously didn’t terminate the pregnancy, and she’s been rubbing her belly the entire time they’ve been talking and the motion appears soothing for her. He also heard from the agency that she’s interviewed a few couples and is being picky. He’s wary of that, but what else can he do but be as honest and kind as he can. 

“You won’t hurt him, right?” she asks, guileless in a way that only a child ever is. 

“What do you mean?”

“The man, who took me and used me,” she says, “he was a total bastard and _liked_ to hurt people. Me, his kids, whoever, really. He was really mean and he’d yell about how you had to be tough to be a man. He’d make his son -- I think he was, like maybe seven, but he was already a total asshole, too -- but he’d make his kid watch as he’d hurt people and tell him that a man had to show who was boss. He said a bunch of bullshit, really.”

Scott shakes his head barely even being able to fathom that people like this exist, and says, “No. I wouldn’t hurt him. And I wouldn’t teach him that.”

Caity nods her head and looks him in the eye. “I know who you are,” she says with a shrug. 

Scott sits up straighter and twists his hands together, nervous about where this is going. “Okay,” is all he says in response. The agency submitted a fake name for him, but the pictures they pass on to the birth mothers are legit. His face is a little less sharp than it was five years ago, and his hair has some grey in it, but he still looks like himself. There’s no hiding his nose. 

“There was a girl in my year at one of the schools I went to, I think I was in grade seven, she was obsessed with Tessa, and with you, I guess. She was nice to me and let me watch videos with her on her phone.” She gives him a half smile before continuing, “She loved watching your interviews and made me watch them even when I just wanted to watch the skating sometimes. You always seemed kind. Sweet, even. You had a lot of energy, like with the hockey game, but you were gentle with Tessa. And you did ice dance,” she says with a shrug, like that explains everything. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “I did do ice dance.”

“I’m just saying I don’t think you’ll sit him down one day and tell him to watch as you make other people bleed,” she says frankly. “And I may not love him or want to be his mom, but if he’s going to grow into a man who won’t be an asshole like his sperm donor, he’s gonna need men in his life who don’t suck.” She sounds so weary now, and way older than a girl in her teens. 

“I’m surprised you don’t prefer to have a couple,” he says. 

“I looked at a few and talked to two of them,” she admits. “But I don’t know them, not really.”

“You don’t know me either,” he reminds her. It’s not that he wants her to change her mind, but he doesn’t want her to be making decisions based on a whim and his celebrity. 

She shrugs again, “I guess not,” she admits, “But I knew more about you when I was a kid than I’ll ever know about any of them.”

This revelation, frankly, sets Scott’s teeth on edge. This is not an arena where he has wanted his former “celebrity” status to matter at all. But if it helps this woman, this girl-woman, feel better about him, then he’ll go ahead and take the win. He takes a long look at her -- her tired eyes, her ever moving hands, and the way she stares right back at him -- and decides that, in all honesty, none of this is on a whim for her. 

It helps him feel a little better. 

As the conversation wraps up, he points to the advocate and tells Caity, “Tell her if you change your mind. We can get you the help you need if you decide you don’t want to place him with me or anyone else. And if you need anything before you have the baby, tell her that, too.”

She shakes her head and tells him, “You’re way too nice, Mr. Moir,” with an exasperated grin that shows more levity than she’s displayed the whole meeting. His heart lifts just a bit at this. Maybe he’s helped lessen her burden for a minute, whether she chooses to place her son with him or not. 

He smiles back at her and says, “Still. No hard feelings if you change your mind for any reason.”

“Okay.” 

As she and the other woman leave, Scott turns to Alma and shakes his head in bewilderment. It’s going to be an exhausting two months. 

“You can change your mind, too,” Alma reminds him once they’re in the car. 

“I know,” he replies. 

“But you won’t,” she says in resignation. 

“Probably not,” he agrees. 

“Okay. Then we have two months to get ready for your son,” she says, putting on an air of cheerfulness in an attempt to hide her wariness. 

Because what she doesn’t say is that they also have two months to get attached to the idea of this baby as his son and her grandchild and it can all, very easily get ripped away. 

April 10th, 2023

Scott paces the length of the large delivery room, while his brothers and parents occupy different pieces of furniture around the space. 

Next door, a girl who just turned 19 is in labor and has been for the last twelve hours. They were warned that it can be awhile for a first time mom, especially a teenager, but he is crawling out of his skin as they wait. 

He’s had second thoughts a hundred times in the last two months -- in the last year, really -- but the anticipation he feels is intense and he does his best to suppress the dread that creeps up his spine from time to time. 

There’s a plan. Caity will deliver the baby and he’ll go in and cut the umbilical cord and hold the baby first. They’ve asked her a million times if she wants to hold him first -- he wouldn’t begrudge her that -- but she’s insistent that she has no interest. They’ve told her that she can change her mind, but every time she just rolls her eyes and promises she won’t. 

Not knowing what is happening is hard but his heart goes out to Caity and the pain and dread that she’s likely working through. 

The sounds from the other room start to change and Alma lets out a small smile, though her brow is still furrowed in concern. He doesn’t ask her what she’s thinking, but assumes it means some sort of progress, which he’ll take. 

The groaning gets lower but keeps ending with higher pitched yelps and Scott is pretty sure he’s going to throw up soon. What possessed him to be in the next room? 

Another twenty minutes of what he assumes is pushing goes by and then they hear it. A baby cries, angry and loud and beautiful. A woman in scrubs comes in and says, “They’re ready for you, Scott.”

He swallows and follows after her, his heart pounding. 

His son is laid out on the foot of the bed on a blanket and someone is toweling him off. His wails are quieting, but his chin quivers violently with his cries and Scott can’t take his eyes off of him. He’s beet red and has some white stuff on his skin still, his face is scrunched and he’s more than a little funny looking but Scott’s hands are itching to hold him. The nurse hands him some weird looking scissors and points to the place between two clamps and tells him to cut there. The curly cord is dense and spongy and it feels very strange to cut through but once it’s done he looks back down at his son and smiles in bewildered, overwhelmed affection. 

Scott hears the doula, who is standing at Caity’s head, ask her if she’s sure, and looks up to see that Caity is looking back toward an empty corner of the room, away from the baby and Scott. He hears her say she’s sure and then the woman tells the nurse to go ahead and take him. Scott wants to comfort Caity, maybe thank her, but knows that’s not his role and it’s not the time and that he won’t be able to offer anything she needs right now. He hopes that the women in the room are able to help her more than he can and then he refocuses on his son. 

His son. 

They let Scott go with him to the corner of the room where they check him out to make sure he’s healthy and then they put the baby in a rolling bassinet and head back to the room next door where Scott’s family waits. The nurse instructs Scott to sit in the glider in the corner and to open his shirt -- he’d been instructed to wear a button up and not wear an undershirt -- which he does. She unwraps the baby till he’s just in his tiny diaper and the whole room chuckles at his small, protesting cries. 

“Oh Scotty,” his mom says and he can hear the tears in her voice. “Look at him.”

And then the nurse hands him his son, encouraging Scott to hold him nearly chest to chest, then she settles a warm blanket over them. She’ll bring a bottle in a few minutes, but for now he just gets to hold his baby against his skin and enjoy these first few moments of joy and terror. This kid is his. Forever. 

Scott, honestly has no clue what else is happening in the room as he stares down at his baby boy’s slow blinking eyes as he looks around and then up at Scott’s face. 

“Hello, Benjamin Matthew,” he murmurs. “Welcome to the world, son.” He presses his face against the baby’s, kissing his soft cheeks and lets his tears flow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the thanks to C and A for the time they've poured into this with me. It's made it better. And thank you to those who have cheerleaded this anytime I've mentioned it over the last year or so. It means a ton. I hope y'all enjoy it!

“Oh buddy,” Scott coos as his tiny baby boy shivers. Ben has been home for two weeks and his umbilical cord stub has finally fallen off (even with all of his nieces and nephews, Scott had never experienced that, particularly strange, event before) and his mom came over to show Scott how to give the newborn his first real bath. 

Ben squacks in protest and Alma clucks back as she talks Scott through how to support the baby in the small tub full of warm water. Ben’s chin quivers as he cries for the first few moments, but then he shudders and starts moving his head back against the water, his eyes fluttering as he starts to relax in the water. 

“There you go, Benny,” Alma says, low and encouraging. “You like it now, don’t you.” She lets out a little laugh but Scott stays totally silent as he watches his son settle. A ghost of a smile crosses Ben’s lips and that’s when Scott laughs in disbelief. He really does seem to like it. 

“Danny and Charlie hated the bath at this age, but not you,” Alma says as she uses her washcloth to gently wipe half of Ben’s face and head. “You took to it just like this little one.”

“I won’t hurt his eyes?” Scott asks as he moves to mimic what his mom did on the other side of Ben’s head. 

“I mean, don’t poke at them, and you’ll be fine,” Alma says with a bit of an eye roll that Scott hears in her voice rather than sees. 

Scott is gentle as he cleans Ben’s face and hair. Ben slowly blinks up at him the whole time Scott and Alma wash the rest of his body, not making another sound until the bath is done and Scott transfers him from the water and onto a warm towel. Though he’s quick to get him bundled up, Ben lets out another cry and continues to protest until he’s fully dressed in his warm, dark blue footie pajamas and tucked up under his dad’s chin as Scott rocks him back and forth on the glider in his room. 

“You really are doing very well, Scott,” Alma tells him from where she stands in the doorway. She’s ready to head home, a place she’s only been intermittently over the last two weeks. The plan is for her to start getting back to her life and job, and Scott’s both very ready to start truly being a single parent, and wanting to beg her to never leave. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs back. He appreciates her encouragement more than she’ll know. Or maybe she does know. She’s always been good at knowing. 

“Call if you need anything,” she says as she steps into the room and kisses Scott on the forehead and then does the same to the crown of Ben’s head. 

“I will,” Scott agrees. He’s keen to do as much as he can on his own, but he’s not stupid enough to risk his son’s wellbeing by being stubborn. 

The night, like the last few, goes as well as can be expected. Ben is up for feeding and changing every three hours or so, and Scott is more or less able to sleep well in the in between times when Ben sleeps heavy and deep. He has Ben in a bassinet by the bed for now, and he has a jug of distilled water, a can of formula, bottles, and a bottle warmer on his night stand to keep things close and easy. Not for the first time, Scott is glad that he’d gotten good at being organized and disciplined early on in life. It’s saving his sanity, and probably Ben’s, too, now. 

They settle into a unit of two and before Scott knows it he blinks and his kid is a month old. 

Parenting a newborn is every bit as exhausting as he’d been told, but Scott is just glad that Ben was born during the quietest part of the skating season. For the last three years he’s been dividing his time between the skate club in Ilderton and coaching in Kitchener-Waterloo as Paul Macintosh has begun a years-long process toward setting himself up for retirement. Scott’s also been doing some policy work with Skate Canada, which is more frustrating than rewarding at this stage. It’s kept him busy, but all three jobs have given him the time to get to know and bond with his baby, though no one at Skate Canada knows exactly why he needs time off. 

While Ben isn’t the best sleeper yet, which is to be expected, they do seem to find a bit of a rhythm. Various family members are around a lot, giving Scott breaks to go clear his head, but he finds he doesn’t want to be away very often or for very long. He knows that a lot of dads have a harder time bonding with their babies, but as Ben’s sole parent, he wants to do everything he can to make sure his kid knows he’s loved and feels secure. That, at least while he’s small, he doesn’t start at a deficit just because he doesn’t have a mother. He does a lot of kangaroo care with him and talks to him constantly -- sings to him, too. He tries to be the only one who feeds him in that first month, though that doesn’t always work out perfectly. 

All the parents, especially the moms, in his family do their best to give him tips and tricks, but he finds himself a little overwhelmed with how many different parenting techniques there can be in one family. He appreciates it, though. Between his mom, Cara, Sheri, Leanne and his brothers’ wives, Ben will still have strong, kind women to look up to, whether or not Scott ever finds a life partner. 

That there’s a name missing from that list crosses his mind from time to time, but he shakes his head and moves past it quickly when he looks at Ben’s wide-open, almost preternaturally aware eyes, and his dopey, gassy smiles. 

He’s told no one about Ben outside of family and Paul Macintosh, the latter primarily because he needed to explain why he’s taking such an extended break from KWSC. His house, a three bedroom farmhouse in between Ilderton and Kitchener is secluded enough that he, frankly, won’t have to tell anyone for awhile. 

The truth is that there’s part of him that still feels like this is a dream and he’s going to wake up and his son will have never existed. Or he thinks that Caity might change her mind, or that the agency will tell him there was a mistake, or that the biological father isn’t dead after all and he wants his kid back so he can corrupt him, too. There is a lot of fear in being a parent and maybe some extra in being a single parent. He doesn’t think that there is _extra_ fear just because his son came into his life through adoption, but he knows that some of the fears he has are likely different than for those who are parenting their biological children. He wonders if he’ll ever truly be able to shake the idea that someone can come and take his son from him. He hopes so, but for now he just hopes the fear doesn’t overwhelm him so much that it affects his ability to be the best dad for Ben.

There are a few people he’ll tell soon, but it’s a small list, a much, much smaller list than he imagines he could have gotten away with five years ago. 

Patrice and Marie-France are on the list. His buddies in Ilderton, who won’t understand even a little bit but will support him anyway are also on it. His fellow coaches who don’t already know. A few of the skaters that he went through the trenches with for years who he only keeps sporadic contact with but still calls good friends. Lily, who gave him the idea in the first place, and who knows there was at least the possibility of a placement as of two months ago. 

And then there’s Tess. Tess, who is in Japan and likely won’t be back this year. Their infrequent communication has stalled almost to a halt and is now exclusively through texts, usually initiated by her. Their brief conversations are still full of fondness and warmth but lack any depth. It almost hurts more that the dissolution of their companionship has come with no animosity, that instead they just completed their drift apart in the last three years. (It’s also entirely possible that Scott has wept to John Michael Montgomery’s dumb ass song, “Friends” more than once after he stumbled back over a few months back, but he’ll blame that response on sleep deprivation more than anything else.) Despite the boost their friendship got in Beijing, the steady flow of time has worn at their bond and a year and a half later, they’ve truly become little more than acquaintances with a common history. 

Tessa’s life has expanded so much over the last three years. Her boyfriend Ty is Japanese-American and works in Tokyo, like Tessa does, though they met in Canada while she was in business school and he was doing some consulting at one of the companies she was studying. Ty seems serious, but kind. He took Tessa to the ballet on their first date, because he knew they’d both enjoy it and Tessa actually gushed about him after that. Scott was, and is, incredibly happy for her, that she found someone she could admire and who seemed to respect and adore her as well. But as time has passed he found himself missing her more and more but somehow also less and less. All Scott knows is that he has a deep rooted, multifaceted love for her that wants the best for her, even if the best happens to have edged him out of her life little by little. That’s how it goes with friends. 

Ben entering his world is so big and overwhelming and feels sudden even though it wasn’t. He’s thought about telling her a million times, but the words never come and once he has Benjamin at home with him, he doesn’t often have the time or energy to consider his choice when all he can hope for these days is to keep his head above water as he works his ass off keeping this tiny human alive and hopefully thriving.

But there are still moments, weird ones that zing across his face and tingle down the back of his neck and leave him reaching for a hand that is not there; where he misses her keenly. In those moments he wonders at this life he’s building and that small ache behind his solar plexus always returns when he remembers that she’s not a part of it in any real way. He sometimes, maybe a little disingenuously, wonders if she would care about his entrance into parenthood, if she’d be interested in knowing about this monumental shift in his life. He wonders if she still cares about him at all. They’re fleeting thoughts, unfair at best and utter bullshit, really, because he would care if the situations were reversed. He still has the thoughts, and he still doesn’t take the steps to do anything about them. Doesn’t call her to test and see. In his defense, he’s barely able to give any of it more than a moment’s attention. Partly because he’s hella distracted by his kid, but also because a weird thing happens when he thinks about her at all. 

In truth, in six months since he last saw her, Tessa has become this untouchable thing for him. Someone that was once so important to him, that he still holds precious but that he’s put away in a safe somewhere. And when he does turn his attention to her, he ends up anxious and unsettled, like she’s something too bright and sacred and not to be looked at. So he doesn’t. 

At his core, he believes she’ll be happy for him. And that she’ll be charmed as anyone by Ben when she eventually gets to meet him. Whenever that may be. 

He knows he’s more than charmed by Ben. You’d think after a month of watching a tiny, immobile child sleep and eat and cry, that the joy that swells up from his chest and bursts out in his laugh and smiles would chill out and settle and turn sour with the exhaustion and monotony, but it hasn’t yet. Ben is growing and changing so fast already. His cheeks are filling in a bit and his head is a fraction less wobbly, and the wrinkles on his heels have started filling in as he plumps up a little. He no longer has a saggy butt either, which he’s told is a good thing, but Scott had found the elephant wrinkles around his thighs adorable and is a little sad to see them go. He wakes up after a half a night’s sleep and wonders where his scrawny child went. 

“It’s like, once you get used to one version of them, you blink and everything is different,” Sheri says when she stops over to visit on her way to Kitchener for a coaches meeting. 

“That’s exactly it,” he agrees. He’s taken more video and photos in the last month than he ever has in his life, just trying to capture what these moments are. He doesn’t even usually send them to anyone. Sometimes he’ll send a cute picture out to the family, and there’s a ten second video of Ben smiling as he sleeps that he sent to his mom, but other than that he keeps them close, thinking he may need them in the future if he ever forgets the wonder that he feels right now. 

Time passes in fits and starts, some minutes dragging on for days, and some days going by as quick as seconds and before he knows it Ben is a little over three months old. What little hair he has is a shiny brown and his eyes are mostly a dark blue-grey, so they’ll probably end up with Caity’s rich brown color. His goofy, wrinkly old-man face has turned into a full on Gerber Baby face. He’s a happy boy, vocal and he smiles a lot. Alma says he reminds her a lot of Scott at that age and Scott appreciates the sentiment. 

It’s a Tuesday night and Ben is chilling in his garishly bright bouncer which sits on the kitchen counter. Scott is making himself dinner and narrating what he’s doing to Ben the whole time, as he often does. He has music playing in the background, a random playlist of classic rock and old country and when a fun song comes on he switches from talking about food prep to singing the song and dancing like an asshole as his son watches him with a grin and squeals back, hands flapping everywhere. Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” comes on and Scott gets even more dramatic in his movements as Ben waves his hands erratically. When the line, “Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, ooh, ooh, ooh,” starts, Scott gets close and makes crazy faces and is about to turn to put a carton of eggs away when Ben lets out an honest to goodness laugh. His first laugh. 

Scott’s heart stops for a beat and then all he wants is to hear it again, so he makes the face again, this time making a claw with one hand and tickling the baby. Ben bursts out in a short little laugh again and Scott is positive in that moment that it’s the best sound on the planet. 

He pulls out his phone to take a video and manages to get a decent laugh on camera and he immediately pulls up Tessa’s iMessage to send it to her and then freezes and deletes it, sending it to his brothers and his mom instead. 

It’s time to tell her. 

*

The thing is, he means to, he really does. But oddly enough, telling her is still incredibly hard and he keeps putting it off. Ben is five months old and Scott is back at work part time in Kitchener, though he still has a little more time off from his work in Ilderton and he’s taking an entire year from working with Skate Canada. He’s glad to be back with his skaters at KWSC, glad to have the ice under him more frequently but it’s hard being away from his son in a way he hadn’t honestly expected. 

It’s good, too. Being around more people reminds him that he really likes having actual conversations and interacting with a variety of people and that it’s probably time to start taking Ben out to experience more of the world than just the houses of various family members. And no, he admits, the walks he takes Ben on through the surrounding area don’t count since it’s mostly just farmland and trees and they’ve yet to actually run into anyone who seemed to recognize him. But his luck is going to run out soon and Scott knows he needs to start telling people. 

He’s typed out and deleted a ton of texts to Tessa, but every time he goes to send one, it feels like it’s been too damn long. So he puts it off again and again, allowing himself to get distracted by work and by Ben, who, to be fair, is very distracting.

Which is why neither of them are prepared in the least when she rings his doorbell. He just got Ben down after a bit of a struggle, and sprints to the door to prevent the visitor from ringing it again. He doesn’t even take a second to wonder who it is or realize that he isn’t expecting any packages, he just yanks the door open. 

“Hey!” Tess says and then gets a weird look on her face that he can’t exactly interpret. 

“Tess?” he asks, mostly because he’s startled but also because she looks different. Stunning as ever, but different. Her hair is shorter again now, hitting just above her shoulders and dyed closer to her natural hair color, shot through with blonde highlights. Her face is maybe a little softer, though not much, and the lines that grace the corners of her eyes and mouth are a touch deeper. Honestly, anyone who didn’t spend two decades staring at her face would likely miss the changes, but they’re stark and a little startling to him. 

“Hi,” she says as she stares at him some more. 

Scott looks down and sees that he’s shirtless and wearing track pants. He has a baby blanket over his shoulder since Ben still has reflux issues and tends to fall asleep while being burped if he’s tired enough. 

“What are you...” Scott starts and then trails off realizing that no matter how he finishes the sentence it’s going to sound rude. It’s not that he’s mad that she’s here, he’s not. But he’s not prepared at all and he kind of wants to throw up a little at the thought of how this is going to go. 

“Sorry,” she says, looking down. “I should have called. I was driving home to my mom’s from a meeting I had in Waterloo and figured I had your address and would stop to see if you were home when I saw the sign for the Brooksdale exit,” she shrugs. “I should have called.” 

She looks so disappointed that all he wants to do is hug her and tell her he’s thrilled she’s here. So he does. 

“Ah, Kiddo,” he says as he opens his arms. “C’mere,” he encourages as he takes a step out onto his porch. She steps into his arms and hugs him and he sighs deeply as he wraps his arms around her. “God I miss you,” he says as he rests his head against her hair. He barely hears her murmur it back to him but it makes him smile anyway. He closes his eyes and breathes her in and imagines she’s doing the same. 

After a few minutes her hands slide down to his waist as she pushes back a little. “Do you have Charlie’s kids with you?” she asks sounding a little excited to see them. 

“No, why?” he asks as he tilts his head in confusion.

“You smell like spit up and baby,” she says with a quirked brow. “You take up babysitting in your old age?”

He looks at her for a few long seconds trying to formulate the right words and still coming up short after all the time he’s had to think about them.

“Scott?” she asks, concern lacing her voice. 

“There’s someone I need to tell you about,” he starts. “He’s sleeping right now, just went down, actually,” he continues. 

“He?” she asks, still confused. 

“Come in,” he says as he holds out his hand. 

Tessa looks at his hand and then up at his face, searching it for something, though Scott isn’t sure what. Familiarity? Comfort? A clue? But after a moment’s hesitation, she reaches out and takes his hand and follows him into the house. They stop in the mud room so she can step out of her boots and hang up her jacket and scarf, then he leads her into the rest of the house, pausing when she stops to look around the great room. 

He watches as she takes in the bouncer and the baby swing and the playpen and all the other colorful baby paraphernalia that is scattered around his house. 

She sits heavily onto the end of the sofa and visibly curls in on herself for a second. Scott still can’t get himself to talk so he pours them both glasses of water and sets them on the coffee table. He grabs his t-shirt off the back of the couch and pulls it on and then sits on the opposite end. 

“You have a child,” she says, looking down at her hands which she has clasped together so tight that the knuckles have turned white as her elbows rest on her knees. She sounds hollow and tired and more than a little hurt. “You have a son? How do I not know you have a son?” she asks, bewildered. She reaches out and picks up the grey stuffed bunny that hangs out in the living room. There’s a matching one in Ben’s crib with him. She runs the tips of her fingers over the soft face and then turns her head to the side and looks at him, her face raw and vulnerable. 

“Benjamin Matthew,” he says trying to give her something. “Ben. He’s about six months old and he’s...the most amazing thing,” he says unable to keep the awe out of his voice. 

“Did you get married?” she asks, the utter confusion and gut wrenching uncertainty in her voice cuts him. 

“No, no. There’s no one like that.” He swallows as he admits, “There hasn’t been anyone serious since Lily.”

“Then...where’s his mother?” she asks. 

“I adopted him, Tess,” he tells her. He was only able to keep tabs on Caity as long as she allowed it and she essentially disappeared around three months ago. He hopes she’s okay, that’s she’s found healing and happiness. Hopes other things too…

“Oh,” she whispers in naked shock. “Recently?”

“I brought him home from the hospital right after he was born,” he answers. 

“Six months,” she whispers. 

“April 10th,” he confirms.

“Congratulations,” she says in a small, wistful voice that perplexes Scott more than anything. 

“Thank you,” he replies. 

They sit in silence for a few more minutes and Scott watches as Tessa worries the soft fake fur on the stuffed rabbit’s ear. Then she reaches out, takes a long drink of the water, puts the rabbit down gently and stands, her hands neatly folded in front of her. 

“I should get home, but it was great seeing you again,” she says, her voice painfully upbeat, like they’re old high school acquaintances who ran into each other at a grocery store. 

“Tessa,” he says, standing, “Do you want to stay for dinner?” he asks and he finds he really hopes she’ll take the invitation. He almost even offers to wake Ben up so she can meet him, but she’s already shaking her head.

“Oh no, thank you. I need to head home,” she says, though she doesn’t specify why. She learned at a young age that she didn’t owe most people explanations for why she refused an invitation as long as she was kind in her rejection. He doesn’t remember her ever using the tactic on him before, though. He can see by the way her eyes dart around the room every few seconds that she needs to get out and he doesn’t want her to feel trapped so he nods and follows her into the mud room so she can pull on her boots and slip into her jacket. She only hangs her scarf around her neck rather than wrapping it around. 

She turns and heads for the door and Scott can’t help but reach out and touch her shoulder. “Are you leaving town again soon?” his voice is rough now as the thought of her going back to Japan before he can see her again makes him want to hurl. 

“No,” she says quietly, shaking her head but not looking up at him. “I’m back in Canada for good now,” she says. 

“That’s amazing,” slips out and he doesn’t have a chance to hide just how happy that thought makes him. 

“Oh,” she says, like she’s taken aback at his enthusiastic response. “Yeah, it is.”

“Can you come to dinner?” he asks in a rush. “I know you can’t today, but I do want you to meet him and I want him to meet you,” he says. “I can make that spinach and chicken pasta you always liked, or something else...” he trails off realizing that he’s over correcting and needs to let her go. “If not this week then maybe sometime next week,” he finishes, trying to give her semi-concrete options but also keeping it somewhat open. 

Her brow is furrowed when she looks at him like she doesn’t understand him at all, but after half a moment she softens and says, “Give me a chance to get settled and then I’ll text you. Your number is still the same, right?” she asks. 

He had changed it a couple of years ago, but they’ve talked a few times since then so he knows she has the right one. “Yeah. Take your time and text me whenever,” he says. 

She nods in response and then walks toward the door.

He opens the door and shivers, they’ve been inside longer than he thought. He stops on his top step and she pauses beside him. Then stands on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. “I am so happy for you, Scott,” she says, and then she rushes down the steps and out to her car. 

Before she climbs into her car Scott calls out, “Text me, yeah?” His voice is rough. “When you get home. Just so I know you’re safe.”

Tessa cocks her head to the side and looks at him for a good, long moment, her face inscrutable, and then nods and gets in her car. 

Scott watches as she backs out and heads down the long drive that leads away from his house and out to the main road. He keep staring out in the dark even after the taillights are no longer visible, mind blank as he breathes in and out unable to process what just happened. Before long a shiver runs through him and he realizes that he’s out in the cold with just a t-shirt on. 

He heads back inside and makes himself a quick dinner of scrambled eggs and whole grain toast. He eats it on the couch and wishes Ben were up to distract him. If his mind was blank outside, now all the what-ifs and should’ves are swirling around and there’s a heavy lump of guilt that settles in his gut. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter why he didn’t tell her, even if at the time all those reasons were valid. His decision to keep this from her hurt her and some of that hurt is justified. Because deep down, despite the distance and the sporadic contact and lack of common ground in their current lives, if the roles were reversed, he would have wanted to know. What he’s also realizing right now, is that she’s still one of the last people in the world that he wants to hurt. 

He washes his dishes and then heads into his bedroom to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is one of his early days in Waterloo and he’ll be working with their two most promising novice teams. It’s his favorite day of the week as he loves the energy of the two teams and and how determined and hard working all four skaters are. 

He’s just about to fall asleep when his phone buzzes on his nightstand. He grabs it and sighs in relief. 

_Made it home. Good night._

_I’m glad. Good night._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one but I hope it's worth the read. 
> 
> As it's technically Thanksgiving where I am, I'll just say I'm hella thankful for C and A for looking this over and always being excited when I add more. 
> 
> And I'm thankful for all y'all and your lovely encouragement. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, yeah?

Ben gets sick a few days later and by the third day Scott is at his wit’s end trying to keep him comfortable enough to sleep. He takes him to the doctor earlier than he needs to, even though his mom tells him it is likely just a nasty cold and that doctors don’t have medication for common colds. As much as he trusts his mom he can’t help but be more reassured by the doctor’s assessment. It’s just too hard to watch his baby be so miserable and not do everything he can to help. 

Alma is right, of course, but waiting it out and only giving comfort measures is a rough process. There’s a lot of crying, a ridiculous amount of snot, and little to no sleep for either of them. Ben responds well to baths and does better in a steamy shower so Scott spends a lot of time singing to him as he rocks him in a steamed up bathroom that’s warm enough to give Scott a headache. What sleep either of them get tends to be when Ben is in Scott’s arms as he rocks in the glider in Ben’s room, or the recliner in the living room. Ben only sleeps for an hour or two at a time before his misery wakes him, with a sad cough or too much mucus build up and he’s back to rubbing his little face against Scott’s chest, as he cries and cries. 

By the end of day five, Scott is exhausted and ready to give in and call someone over to help him out so he can try and get some solid sleep, afraid he’s going to start making stupid decisions or fall asleep too heavily. He’s stubborn though and this feels like a test that he needs to pass. That no one else is actually evaluating him doesn’t really cross his mind, but he wants to be the one to care for his child when he’s sick. Ben only has one parent, and dammit, Scott is going to do his best to be everything he needs. 

It’s six in the evening and Scott is mindlessly walking all through the house, up and down the hall, through the great room and back again at a slow stagger. The movement seems to soothe Ben and Scott can do the circuit with his eyes half closed. He sings as he walks, low and raspy now, since he’s already halfway through singing all of Garth Brooks’ greatest hits. He’s in the middle of a groggy, butchered rendition of “She’s Every Woman” when there’s a soft knock on his door. He left his phone in his room so he figures it’s his mom coming to check on them. He doesn’t even stop singing as he’s opening the door. 

Scott is, once again, shocked to see Tessa on his porch. She has a deli bag in her hands and a concerned half smile. 

“I texted you first this time,” she tells him with a shrug. “I brought you soup from the deli by Molly’s.” The deli doesn’t have a proper name but has excellent chicken and rice soup that’s flavorful and comforting. 

“He can’t have soup,” Scott says as he cups Ben’s head while he dozes against his shoulder. 

Tessa huffs out a laugh and shakes her head, “Yeah. The soup’s for you, Scott.”

“Oh,” he murmurs. He’s still very confused by what she’s doing here and he’s so, so tired, and starting to feel shitty, too, which means he’s probably getting what Ben has and he doesn’t think he has it in him to be careful and delicate with anyone but his son right now. “How did you know?” he asks before he even knows he’s forming the question. 

“I ran into Alma at the market,” Tessa tells him. “She mentioned that she was going to try and come out here before she had to get ready for her evening sessions. She seemed a little worried about how she was going to fit it in so I offered to come instead.” She shrugs and he notices that she’s still got the bag in her hands. 

And they’re all out on the porch at sundown in October. Scott shakes his head to clear it and then steps back away from the door and says, “Sorry! Come in.”

Tessa hesitates, her eyes fixed where his hand is cupping Ben’s head and then she steps over the threshold. She sets the bag down on the entryway table, slips off her sneakers and outerwear and then picks the bag back up and heads into the kitchen. 

“Do you want this in the fridge? Or I can heat some up for you now?” she asks. 

“Will you eat it with me?” he asks. 

“I can if that’s what you want,” she says, her face guarded. She isn’t looking him in the eye and it’s so very strange. 

“I want it, but not if you’re uncomfortable,” he tells her, seeing the rigid line of her shoulders and the subtle clench of her jaw. He’s too tired to be more circumspect. 

Tessa looks up at him and then takes what he knows is a cleansing breath, in through her nose and out through her mouth. Then another. And then she says, “I would like to stay and eat with you.”

“Awesome,” he tells her with a small smile. 

Ben lets out a shuddered sigh against his arm and Scott is abruptly reminded that his son is sick and actually comfortable for once. And that Scott doesn't have his shirt on again. He’s honestly never thought about how frequently he’s shirtless in his own home these days, but it became a habit early on when he was intentional about holding Ben skin on skin in order to aid in their bonding. Now it’s usually because he has to keep the house a little warmer than he prefers because he has an honest to god baby, and it’s not like he has many drop in visitors. 

“I’d offer to go put on a shirt, but he’s actually calm for once and I don’t think I can bear to move him right now,” he tells her honestly as he looks down at his kid. Ben lifts his heavy head from where he’s resting above Scott’s heart, and looks up at him then. His eyes are still glassy and red-rimmed as he stares at Scott for a few seconds, and then places his head back on Scott’s chest and closes his eyes again. Scott rubs his hand up and down his son’s back and presses a few gentle kisses against his head. 

Fuck, he’s tired. 

“You’re fine,” she whispers as she watches them interact. Then she turns and pulls the two large containers of soup out of the deli bag. She immediately puts one in the fridge and then goes about looking for a pot. “I wish I had brought something easier to eat than soup,” she says apologetically. 

“You’re fine,” he repeats back to her. Scott leans back against the island in the middle of his kitchen and watches as she pours the soup into the pot she’s found and starts the burner. “I’ve gotten decent at eating while holding him, right bud,” he says as he looks down at Ben again. He’s used to including Ben in almost all his conversations now, used to him being his only companion, really. Ben just snuggles more deeply into Scott’s arms. Scott can tell he’s starting to warm up again and knows it’s going to be time for more fever reducer soon. Giving his son medicine is already becoming a brutal process a good fifty-percent of the time so he isn’t looking forward to it. 

He focuses back on Tessa only to find her peering at them with a look that’s somewhere between longing and fear. It takes him so off guard that he can’t help but ask, “What’s going on in that head of yours, Virtch?” like he would have back in Montreal. Like time and circumstance hadn’t eroded away this level of vulnerable camaraderie years ago. 

“You’re a dad,” she says with a touch of awe. She’s looking down at her hands as she fiddles with her rings. “I always knew you’d be a good dad someday, but here he is and you really are such a good dad. He trusts you and loves you already.” _And I missed it_ Scott can almost hear her add. 

Myriad responses race through Scott’s mind in that moment. He wants to tell her that he’s a fucking mess of a parent. That he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, that he’s so, so scared of fucking this up that he ends up making snap decisions and hoping for the best. He wants to tell her that Benjamin Matthew Moir makes him happier and sadder than he’s ever been. Instead he stands up straighter and softly says, “Tess,” and then waits until she looks up at him. 

“Yeah?” she says as she finally looks him in the eye. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells her. He hurt her with this and it’s so, so obvious. He’s never seen her quite so off balance. 

“No, Scott,” she says, a tremor in her voice that breaks his heart. “You had every right...”

And he did. Scott has had every right to keep this quiet. To protect his decisions and this relationship that is so, so precious and delicate and needs so much nurturing. But if even he can’t figure out why he didn’t tell her, _Tessa_, then how is she supposed to understand it.  
“I did,” he agrees. “But having the right doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you.”

Tessa nods in acceptance and then turns so she can stir the soup, “It was still fairly warm so it should just be a few more minutes,” she says her voice low but back to normal. 

“Okay,” Scott says. “Tell me about the move. I didn’t think you’d ever move back to London,” Scott prompts. 

“I got a job offer here in Canada,” she says but doesn’t elaborate on what the job is. “I could technically have done it mostly from Tokyo, and I can do it from anywhere here in Canada, but I wanted to come home,” she tells him. “I missed my family and, while I love Japan, this last year I’ve been homesick in a way I can’t remember ever being. So I took the job and am home.”

He can tell there’s more to it than that, but the least he can do is give her time and space to tell her secrets when she’s ready. 

She dishes out the soup and they head over to the table. She tells him about how her siblings and mom are doing and how she ran into Shelina the other day outside of the grocery store the other day. 

He tells her about how big his nieces and nephews are getting and how Charlie’s oldest is doing well in singles, already doing a double sal and a double loop, with absolutely no interest in pursuing ice dance, thank god. 

They don’t really talk about themselves at all, and rather quickly they’re done with the food, and with the warmth of Ben on his chest and the general lack of sleep over the last few days Scott ends up very drowsy, so he eventually closes his eyes as she tells him about her niece’s dance recital. It takes him way too long to realize she’s stopped talking and when he snaps his eyes open, startled, Tessa is watching him, pensive. 

“I should let you sleep while he’s still asleep,” she says, nodding at the way Ben has passed out against him, mouth open and brow still furrowed. 

Scott wants to argue with her and tell her she should stay, that there’s still so much they need to catch up on. Still so much more he needs to know and say. But she’s right and his priorities are different now and Ben won’t sleep for long, and he needs a dad who gotten enough rest to stay sane and take care of him. So he acquiesces. 

“Thank you so much, T,” he tells her as they stand in the doorway. “You didn’t have to, but I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” she says. “I hope he feels better soon.” She stretches up to give Scott a quick kiss on the cheek, but doesn’t hug him. And then she slips out the door, shutting it softly behind her. 

Scott watches out the window as she pulls out of his yard and heads down the driveway again. And then he heads into the living room and settles in on his comfy recliner and does his best to get some more sleep with Ben clutched tight in his arms. 

*

Miraculously, Scott doesn’t get sick, which he’s extremely thankful for. Ben sleeps much of the next week once his cold clears up and he’s no longer struggling to breathe. 

After more than a week being cooped up at home, Scott bundles Ben up and they head into London with plans to spend some time at the park before the cold truly starts to set in. On a whim Scott texts Tessa letting her know where they’ll be if she wants to come hang out. 

_I’m in! How do you take your coffee these days? Little cream, no sugar still?_

He smiles and huffs out a relieved laugh before texting back. 

** _Perfect. See you there._ **

Ben babbles the whole drive into town and over to the park, something that Scott genuinely loves. Scott sometimes narrates what they pass by, or sings along to the radio and Ben will quiet down, listening to his dad talk and then once Scott pauses, Ben starts to jabber again. Scott has enjoyed watching his nieces and nephews grow and change from tiny babies to little (and now big) people but he missed a lot of that time with his training and travel. He’s never had the chance to watch from day to day how much can change -- it’s wild. 

He parks along the sidewalk at a park that he’s liked since he was a child. There’s a pond in the middle that has some ducks that he’s pretty sure Ben will enjoy, and swings big enough for adults that he remembers using when Charlie’s oldest was a baby and he had to hold her on his lap to swing with her. Mostly he just knows that it’s time to get out into the world and stop hiding. 

Mostly he knows now exactly who he’d been hiding from, and it’s going to take time to work out why he’d been doing so. 

Tessa pulls in behind his SUV and he gives a little wave as he steps out. He walks around to the back passenger door and she meets him there, a cup of coffee in each hand. On impulse he pulls her into a hug and kisses the side of her head before releasing her and opening the passenger door. 

“Thanks for the coffee, T,” he says as he reaches into the car and pulls out a baby carrier. He buckles the straps around his waist and shoulders and then pulls Ben out of his carseat, making an exaggerated groan as he lifts him. Maneuvering him into the carrier -- facing forward since he’s finally strong enough for it -- is still a little awkward but he does okay. Once he’s in, Scott secures the other fastenings and then adjusts the pack so Ben is in the right position. 

“Ya good, bud?” he asks Ben who looks up at him for a second and then goes back to looking all around him. “Hey, where’s your hat?” he asks when he realizes Ben’s knit cap has slipped off. He sees it dangling from the carseat and reaches in to grab it, holding on to Ben as he does so. In no time he’s got the hat back on the baby’s head and he looks up at Tessa only to find her staring at him with a bemused look. He cocks his head to the side in question. 

Tessa shakes her head fondly and says, “It’s a good look on you. Fatherhood.” She hands him his coffee and takes a sip of her own as they walk down the path that leads to the duck pond. 

“It was good to see Alma the other day,” Tessa tells him when they’ve been walking in silence for a good stretch of time. “She’s still so energetic and loving. I missed her.”

“She’s still going a million miles an hour. Joe’s been trying to get her to cut back but she keeps brushing him off, saying it keeps her young,” Scott says with fondness. His mother is a great coach, striking the delicate balance between task master and kind grandmother. Her skaters have always loved her. 

“I believe it,” Tessa replies. 

They make it to the pond and hang out on the stereotypically red foot-bridge that crosses a narrow section of it. Scott points out the ducks to Ben and smiles as his son squeals when one of the birds flaps its wings against the water and violently shakes its head. 

“Is the duck so funny, bud?” Scott asks, tickling Ben’s side and making a Donald Duck sound. Ben lets out a stream of giggles that makes everyone in the vicinity smile. Ben keeps shaking his arms and kicking his legs, so Scott lets him grasp on to a finger on his free hand, which usually helps him settle a little. Ben looks up so he’s looking straight up at Scott’s chin and gives him a dopey smile. Scott can’t help but kiss his nose, which makes Ben scrunch his whole face and start to babble again. 

“I’m surprised I haven’t run into the rest of your family,” Tessa says as they leave the foot bridge and continue down the path. 

“We’re big, but London is bigger,” Scott says. “Have you gone into Ilderton at all since you’ve been back?” he asks, knowing it’s unlikely she has. Other than his family and the arena, there’s little reason for her to venture that direction. 

“Not yet,” she says. “I’ve been getting settled back in. The house feels very big after our tiny apartment in Japan.”

“Is he moving back with you?” Scott asks, finally asking what he’s been wondering for the last few weeks, though he’s almost certain he knows the answer. 

“No. The move ended things between us,” she says as she stares out at the yellowing grass and playground equipment. 

“I’m sorry,” Scott says, and he means it. “You two seemed good together.”

“He was exactly what I needed when we were together, and I was exactly what he needed. But we got busy and barely saw each other toward the end.” She sighs. It’s obvious there’s something deeper that bothers her about the relationship or how it ended but Scott can tell she’s not ready to divulge so he lets it lie. 

They wander around the park for a little while longer, stopping to swing on the empty swings for a bit, once again being cheered by Ben’s giggles. Tessa almost laughs. Almost. 

But soon it’s getting close to Ben’s nap time and Scott still has to stop by the grocery store so they head back to their cars and Tessa watches as he gets Ben secured in his carseat, and his pack is stowed and then they’re standing by the car again just looking at each other like they have no clue what’s next.

“C’mere,” she says this time and Scott sighs and pulls her into his arms, breathing her in and holding her there. They stay like that for a few seconds until he Ben starts to cry and knows he has to go. 

“I’ll see you soon, yeah?” he asks her as he pulls back. 

“If you want,” she nods. “Just let me know when,” she says, leaving the ball in his court again. 

*

They meet up at the park a few more times after that, but as the weather turns colder they find themselves meeting up at restaurants or Scott’s house. It’s only once or twice a week, but it’s still more than they’ve seen each other in years. 

Tessa slowly starts to open up to him again, and he thinks he’s doing the same with her. 

“Have you met Kevin’s daughter yet?” Tessa asks. 

“I honestly don’t think I’ve seen anyone in your family but Casey and your Mom in two years, T,” Scott says. Without Tessa around to help keep them connected, the two families had drifted apart. He would see Casey and Kate drop off and picking up Casey’s daughter from skating practices a handful of times over the last couple of years -- even enjoyed giving the little one pointers and seeing how similar and different she was from Tess at that age -- but the adults never really said much, and then Casey moved to Brantford over a year ago and Scott hasn’t seen any of the Virtue fam but Tessa since. 

“She’s the sweetest. She’s this little butterball of a baby with the roundest face and her eyes are so expressive. She’s finally starting to recognize me now that I’m around more. She’ll be one on Christmas Eve, and I already feel bad for the poor thing,” Tessa tells him with a wistful smile on her face. 

“Something tells me she’s going to be just as spoiled as all the other Virtue kids,” Scott teases her.

“Of course. If it’s my lot in life to be Aunt Tessa, I’m going to do it right,” Tessa tells him with a wide smile. 

He watches as the smile that was happy and carefree becomes frozen and brittle for a split second before she shakes her head, just a little, and looks back up at him, a genuine smile back in place. 

Scott wonders if he should follow up on that face, but then Ben is protesting sitting in the high chair and both the adults shift their focus to the baby and the moment is lost. 

Tessa has to travel some for work and Scott has to help get the KWSC teams ready for Challenge, so they only see each other once a week for much of November. It’s Sunday, late in November when Scott gets the rug pulled out from under him yet again.

They’ve finished dinner, and it’s been a happy evening, though Ben is obviously starting to flag. So is Tessa if her soft, sleepy smile is any indication. Scott isn’t quite ready for Ben to face plant into sleep yet so after wiping the baby’s face and hands, he swoops Ben up from his highchair, making him giggle as he holds him over his head. He settles him on his hip and turns back toward Tessa, who has that melancholy smile on her face again. Ben’s hair has been getting longer and the section in the front is almost long enough to cover his eyes. Scott watches at Tessa reaches out and almost pushes Ben’s hair back off his forehead. 

Almost. She pulls back before she touches him, quick enough that it’s startling. She turns back to busy herself with the dishes and Scott looks between her and Ben and back again. 

“You’ve haven’t held him,” he says, voice suddenly full of gravel and grit. “I think I knew that, but you’ve never even touched him?” Confused doesn’t even begin to cover what Scott feels when he realizes that Tessa hasn’t truly interacted with his baby in the six weeks since she met him. 

She doesn’t turn around but her shoulders creep up around her ears and he hears her take in a shuddering breath before she turns, ever so slightly back to him and shrugs. 

“Why?” he asks. 

“I’m trying so hard to take your lead on this, Scott,” she says. 

“Oh,” he replies. He has to swallow down the tears when he realizes that she’s been waiting for him to ask her. “Oh,” he says again as understanding dawns. 

“I took the choice away from you that day when I just...showed up at your house like that. When I acted like we still had that kind of friendship. Hell, we rarely just dropped by each others’ places even before. I just don’t want to take your choice away again.”

She turns back to the dishes and finishes up the last few, setting them in the dish drainer to dry. Then she wipes down the counters and turns back to him. He can see her eyes are red, though he knows no actual tears have fallen. He’s struck all over again by just how much damage he did to what was left of their relationship by not telling her about Ben. It amazes him that she’s been so willing to hang out with him at all the last month when he can see just how deeply his secret hurt her.

At least there’s one thing he can easily and quickly rectify. Scott holds his hand out to her and after a few moments she takes it. He pulls her in and hugs her to him. Then he asks, gently, “Would you like to hold him?”

It’s not a question he’s had to ask much since the early days when Ben was just a newborn. Back then, the family was so good about letting Scott hold the reins, allowing him to set the boundaries. He’d ask them all for that time before Ben was even born, explaining how it would be important for his bond with Ben. But in the last couple of months, as the need for such care has waned, Ben gets passed around frequently at family dinners. The baby still gets anxious about it after the third or fourth person holding him, and he has to go back to his dad for a while to recharge and get comfortable again, but he does pretty well now. 

Tessa looks up at Scott, searching his face in a way she never used to have to, looking for reassurance that this is what he wants. And then she nods and says, “I would love to.” 

Scott bounces Ben a little in his arms and says, “Hey bud, Tess is gonna hold you for a bit, okay.”

Ben pats Scott’s chest but otherwise doesn’t respond so Scott passes his son over to Tessa, who takes hold of him with ease. 

“Hi, Benjamin,” Tessa says to the baby. “You’re pretty great, you know that?” she tells him as she rocks back and forth. Tessa gently brushes the hair off his forehead now, like she was going to earlier, and runs her finger tips down the side of his face as she looks him up and down in awe like it’s the first time she’s really seeing him. Ben shivers in response and peeks up at her through his lashes before looking down to play with the leaf pendant on her long silver necklace. 

Scott hangs back and watches them interact as Tessa keeps a quiet running commentary. 

“Oh you found the shiny fun stuff, didn’t you?” she says as she lets Ben fiddle with her necklace. Ben waves the pendant around wildly but Tessa doesn’t seem to mind until Ben starts to pull it to his mouth and then she laughs, low and throaty, and takes hold of the baby’s hand and pulls it to her mouth, kissing Ben’s fist and then threading her thumb through his fist so she can fish out the pendant. She slides the necklace down her shirt so it’s hidden from view and Ben is distracted enough by her that he doesn’t protest the loss. Instead he yawns, big and deep and shakes his head as he tries to shake off the sleepiness. 

Tessa walks him over to the window where they can see the last, weak sunbeams winking through the trees. He pats the window with his hands a few times when he sees some birds on the back deck, but then he yawns again and puts his head to rest under Tessa’s chin. She gently sways back and forth, and tells him stories about the birds and how they make nests in the trees. Ben’s left hand fists into her shirt at her side, opening and closing around the material. If the movement tickles, Tessa ignores it. Though Scott can’t see it from his angle, he assumes Ben is worrying material of her shirt in his other hand as well, a sure sign that the baby is getting ready to fall asleep. 

He debates taking Ben from her and putting him in his crib to sleep since it will mean he rests a little deeper, but if Ben is comfortable falling asleep in Tessa’s arms, Scott isn’t about to deprive either of them of the experience. 

“It’s getting colder and the birds that are still here will probably move on soon, or they’re tough as nails and know how to deal with how cold it gets. I’ve never really thought about them much, though, so I’m not too sure what they do, or even what kind of birds those are. Maybe I’ll have to look it up so I can tell you later,” Tessa murmurs, her lips brushing Ben’s hair. 

Scott watches as Ben’s hand slowly loosens its grip on her shirt and then hangs limply at Tessa’s side as sleep claims him. 

She keeps talking but her voice starts to hitch and he hears her sniff a few times and he can’t help but go to her. 

“It was never about keeping him from you, Tess,” Scott says, though he knows it won’t help much. “But I know I fucked this up.”

“Our priorities shifted, I can’t blame you for that,” she replies before kissing Ben’s head and breathing him in. “We all have our secrets,” she says with a shrug.

“Yeah,” he agrees, though he has to swallow down his questions about what hers might be. And then, he gives into the impulse to put his arm around her and pull her into his side as he says, “I’m glad you came home, Tess. And I’m glad he gets to have you in his life.”

He feels her nod against his shoulder and they watch in silence as the last bit of sunlight winks out, leaving the dim glow of dusk, and then finally darkness in its wake. 

*

Jan, one of the other coaches at KWSC breaks her leg and with the help of his family, Scott heads to Hamilton for Challenge the last week of November. Between the two of them, he and Paul are managing five teams ranging from pre-Novice to Junior that they’ll shepherd through the nerve wracking competition and Scott doesn’t feel like he can pull the baby card when he knows his son will be loved and taken care of by Charlie, Nicole, and all of their kids, and his teams need their coach. 

Scott enjoys the work and is fond of all of their teams, but he misses Ben like crazy and Ben misses him, so Charlie and Nicole agree to stash their kids with Nicole’s mom, so they can drive the baby to Hamilton on the third day of the competition. 

Except when he gets the text from Nicole letting him know that they’re in the parking lot and he meets them out at the back door of the rink, it’s Nicole and Tessa that meet him instead. Ben is sitting up in Tessa’s arms and starts bouncing up and down and squealing in delight when he sees his dad and Scott only takes a second to quirk an eyebrow in question at Tessa’s presence, before he’s plucking his son out of her arms and hugging him close, kissing his sweet cheeks, and inhaling the comforting scent of baby shampoo. 

“I missed you, buddy!” he says into Ben’s hair as he relishes being reunited with his son. 

Ben babbles in response before smacking Scott in the face with his hands a couple of times and then tucking his head into the crook of his dad’s neck and snuggling in. Scott rests his head against Ben’s soft hair and lets himself relax for the first time in days. He breathes in the baby’s scent and feels Ben’s breath against his shoulder. He focuses on that breath for a few moments, allowing the rhythm of it to calm him. When he looks up he sees Nicole taking a picture or video on her phone, a soft, knowing smile gracing her face. 

“Well that was reunion alone was worth the drive, I think,” she says as she puts her phone away and steps over to give Scott a hug. 

Scott squeezes his sister-in-law with his free arm and murmurs his thanks. He really does have the best family. Then he turns his attention to Tessa. 

She’s standing there, her hands worrying at the cuffs of her sleeves in a gesture that he’d long forgotten it’s been so long since he’s seen it. When she was much, much younger, clutching her too-long sleeves in tight, anxious fingers was a common sign of nerves, but it had been mostly trained out of her by the time she was 15 years old. That it’s coming back now is fascinating and a little heart breaking. Scott smiles at her and the answering look that blooms on her face is some mixture of satisfaction, anxiety, and something else that he initially clocks as longing, but he dismisses that given the current context. He reaches her before he can put a name to the look so he tucks his curiousity away and pulls Tessa into a hug of thanks. 

“Didn’t expect to see you, Kiddo!” he tells her. “But thanks for coming and bringing him.”

“I know. I didn’t want to intrude but Charlie asked if I could fill in for him when he got called into work at the last minute, and I figured I’d get to see some of the teams skate this way, too.”

Scott shakes his head and hugs her closer to him. “It’s never intruding if it’s you,” he says. “And the teams will be thrilled that you’re here. All of them.”

“Good to hear,” is all she says as she squeezes him back and then steps away from him, brushing her hair behind her ears. 

“What’s this about Charlie having to work?” Scott asks, addressing his question to Nicole. 

“One of the other guys at the station dislocated their knee on shift last night,” she tells him. “They needed Charlie to fill in today, and when he ran into Tessa the other day she had said she might be coming anyway to watch the competition, so he thought we’d check to see if she would be willing to come over with me and keep this little guy company while I drove. She was kind enough to agree.”

“It was fun,” Tessa replies. “He slept part of the trip, but when he wasn’t conked out he was giggling with the best of them.”

“Were you putting on a show for Tessa and Auntie Nic, buddy?” Scott asks his son. Ben’s only response is to lift his head up, smile at his dad, and then lay his head back down. 

A chilly wind gust blows through the outdoor corridor causing all of them to shiver so Scott takes in a deep breath and gestures them all inside. 

This is it. It’s the first time he’ll have his son out in public in a professional capacity where he’s a known entity and it might matter. 

“Do you want me to take him again,” Nicole asks, knowingly.

“No. I want to keep him with me until I have to get back to work. People will think what they think. My teams know now.”

“Excellent,” Nicole responds. 

“T, are you planning on watching from the stands or would you like to come to the back with me? Say ‘hi’ to some of the Skate Canada people?”

“I think for this trip I’ll stay with Nicole. The foundation will start working with the fed in January, so this is the last time I’ll get to just watch and enjoy an event like this. I can help out with this little guy better this way, too,” she says as she brushes her fingers through Ben’s hair and exchanges smiles with the baby when he looks her way. 

“You know that people are going to...” Scott trails off. If people see Ben with Scott and then with Tessa, logistical issues like Tessa not even living in Canada to make the timing make sense or not, rumors will spread. 

Tessa smiles sadly and shakes her head. “It’s easily refuted and we’re old news. I’m not worried.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” 

He gets a few minutes to hold and talk to Ben while they hang around in a side hallway. Ben seems content to stay in his Dada’s arms as he plays with Scott’s ID badge. Before long, though, Scott has to get back to his teams and it’s time to say goodbye again. He kisses Ben’s head one more time, tells him he’ll see him in a little bit, hands him off to Nicole, and then heads back into the corridor that leads to the rest of the rink. He hears Ben shout a little in protest, so he waits on the other side of the door to hear if his son continues to give Nicole and Tess a hard time, but he doesn’t hear anything more, so he heads back into the warren of halls and rooms that surround the rink. 

Scott shifts his focus to his teams, for this round it’s two novice couples. The first team has a lot of energy and enthusiasm and are good at conveying emotion but their feet get them into trouble so often. The boy fell during the first pattern dance, and the girl during the second, so this team skates third in the Free Dance. They stay upright and do well enough to get a little redemption, but if they want to improve at all they’re going to have to start taking their skating more seriously, and Scott doesn’t see that happening any time soon. 

He looks up into the stands while his team waits for the next team to start skating so they are free to leave the kiss and cry, and he finds Ben has settled onto Nicole’s lap, leaning back against her chest, comfy as can be, chewing away at his pacifier as he looks out at the rink. Tessa is sitting forward with her elbows on her knees, and he can tell she’s talking by the way Nicole nods in agreement every once-in-awhile. Satisfied that they all seem fine, Scott refocuses on his job, and when the next couple’s music starts, he escorts his team out of the rink again. 

His next novice couple is set to go in the middle of the second warm up group. They are technically sound but have no flair for expression, though at this level it’s the feet that matter most so they finished the pattern dances in sixth place. The kids are obviously nervous, taking turns babbling at each other as they squeeze each others’ hands and walk up and down the hall side by side. Scott and Paul do their best to stand back and let them work through the jitters since it’s worked well for them in the past. The time flies rather quickly and soon Scott is giving them a few words of encouragement as he and Paul send them off onto the ice as they wait for the team before them to receive their marks. 

They do well and Scott is pretty sure they have a good chance to hold onto their sixth place spot and once the kids have cooled down and been turned over to their parents, Scott heads out to join Nicole, Tessa, and Ben in the stands during a zamboni break between the second and third flights. When he sees them from the bottom of the seats, Ben is in Tessa’s arms again and Scott takes a second to watch from afar as she holds a very animated conversation with his son. She’s wearing a huge smile and even from here he can see her eyes sparkle and hear Ben’s delighted squeals at whatever she’s telling him. 

It’s such a welcome sight that it takes his fucking breath away even as it fills him with a longing he does his best to squash immediately. That way lies madness. 

He takes the stairs two at a time and barely has a chance to greet them all again before Ben is reaching out to him and Scott feels like he can breathe just fine. Once Ben has stopped squealing, and finds his pacifier again, he quickly conks out against Scott’s chest as the three adults quietly discuss his how his teams did and he and Tessa marvel at one of the teams coached by Carol and Juris who have an “it” factor they could definitely harness to get far in the sport. Scott makes a joke about poaching them. 

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Tessa replies. “I think you’d be a great coach for them.”

Scott smiles back at her in thanks and says, “Maybe in a few years. I’ll let the team in Scarborough do the dirty work for a few more years.”

Soon the Novice competition is over and Scott has to pass Ben back to Tessa so he can go help rangle the Junior teams in the half hour before the Junior Free Dance starts. 

They have two juniors in the competition, one who will skate second and another who will skate last, having finished the Rhythm Dance portion in a surprise third place.

The first team is stone silent before they go onto the ice and Scott is worried for them, but they seem to light up once they nail their twizzle sequence and Scott can’t help but pump his fist in excitement when they end their skate with no mistakes and with joy bursting from their pores. He hugs both of the kids close and congratulates them on a great skate. 

Their scores are ten points higher than their previous season’s best and he’s so proud of them. He’s pretty sure he’s hugged Paul twice. 

Then comes the long wait for the next team. He peeks his head out into the stands a few times and sees that Ben seems to be doing okay. Tessa texts him to stop hovering and he has to laugh and refocus on his teams. 

It’s during the third of five flights that his mom comes up to him, her teams done for the day, and asks, “Did I see Tess with Nic and Ben?” 

“Yeah,” he says as he hugs her against his side and she rolls her eyes. “Charlie was gonna come but had to work so Tess came instead.” 

“I was thinking of going out and saying hi, since all my kids are either with your cousins or their parents, now.”

“He’ll love seeing you,” Scott encourages. Ben loves his Gramma a lot. 

“Good luck with your last team,” she answers as she pulls out of his hug. “They look a little like they’re gonna puke.” 

Scott rolls his eyes, even though it’s true. “Go love on your grandson and stop trying to psych out the competition.”

“Never,” his mom replies with a shrug before leaving to head out into the stands. 

He’s focused on watching his team work through their focusing exercises as it’s too early to do a real warm up, when he feels her come up beside him. 

“I’d forgotten what you two looked like standing side-by-side,” Paul murmurs as he leans over to hug Tessa. 

“It’s so good to see you,” Tessa tells their old coach, and when she pulls away Scott can see the tears sparkling in her eyes. _When did she get so openly sentimental?_, Scott wonders. 

“I thought you weren’t going to come back here,” Scott asks, not unkindly. He’s just curious what changed her mind. 

“I’d forgotten how boring three and half hours of ice dance could be at this level,” she murmurs without moving her lips much at all. 

Scott’s laugh fucking jumps out of his mouth and he startles half the kids around him, then turns red at his faux pas and feels bad for breaking their consentration. 

“It’s the worst, right?”

“And all the music cuts are so bad. How is anyone supposed to skate well to such bad music edits?”

That has Paul chuckling. “I’d forgotten how catty you two could get when you’re disgruntled about the same thing,” he says fondly. 

Scott and Tessa both roll their eyes at him and then lean back against the cinderblock walls at the same time. Scott has to swallow at how freakin’ bizarre it feels to be back with her in this environment. How they slip so easily into being at each other’s side even though he’s in his coaching uniform of a nice button-up and dark wash jeans, with a sport coat on to keep out the chill and she’s in a knee-length sweater dress and tights, instead of their warm-up gear or costumes. 

“Anyway, your mom and Nic are heading home and were offering to take Ben back with them so I came to let you know so you can decide if you want to say bye to Ben or if you think it’d upset him, too much,” Tess says. 

“You gonna head back with them?” he asks? 

“I figured if you’re going back, I’ll head back with you if that works. I’d like to see your last team. Maybe say hi to some of the other coaches.” She fiddles with her hands as she asks. 

“Yeah! That’d be great,” he replies. Completely unsure if it’d actually be great. They haven’t spent a chunk of time this long completely alone in a long time and he’s a little unsure how it will go, but there’s no way he’s saying no to the chance. 

“And Ben?”

“He would probably do okay if I went out and said goodnight to him now but if he’s not,” he trails off. 

“It’s a tough call. Since he’s pretty happy, though, and there isn’t that much time before your team will need you…”

“He’s doing okay? He was good for you two?”

“He’s such a happy boy, Scott. He was a little put out when you left him earlier -- both times -- but he calmed down quickly and seemed pretty happy to watch the crowds and even looked like he was watching the skating some of the time. He was hamming it up with Alma when I left,” she says, squeezing Scott’s forearm gently in reassurance. 

“Okay. I’ll text Mom and tell her to go ahead and take him home whenever she’s ready then,” Scott agrees. It feels a little silly that he had them drive his son out for a grand total of an hour or so spent with him, but since no one seems upset about it, least of all Ben, he’ll just have to chalk it up to things families -- and friends -- do for each other sometimes. 

Tessa leaves him to go say bye to Nicole, Alma, and Ben and promises to meet up with him once the competition is over. 

Paul quirks his eyebrow at him in question when she leaves and Scott chooses to ignore him, moving over to check in on the team and cue them to start warming up. 

Victoria, the 14-year-old girl in the partnership glares at him and whisper-yells, “You didn’t even introduce us to her!”

“She didn’t want to pull your focus,” he says with a serious expression and his own raised eyebrows in admonission. 

“That’s Tessa _freakin’_ Virtue, Scott!”

“Yes. And Tessa freakin’ Virtue wants you to kick ass, so focus up. I’ll introduce you to her afterwards, good or bad, okay?”

“She’s going to be watching?” Kyle shrieks, eyes wide and panicked. 

Fuck. Of all his teams to wig out over Tessa, he wouldn’t have expected it from this one. 

“I can ask her not to if it’s going to be a problem, if I catch her soon enough she can get a ride home now. But she’s going to be at Nationals and a lot of other competitions throughout the year.”

“No! She can watch. It’s fine,” Vick blurts out. 

“You guys are better than you’ve ever been. You’re prepared and you’re going to rock this. Don’t let anything throw you off. Especially not someone unexpected in the audience,” he encourages. Tessa would be mortified if she had any clue she caused this commotion. 

“It’s just like when you make us fall, or play a bad cut of our music,” Kyle says quietly. “Nothing can distract us after all of that.”

The impressive thing is that he’s right. While they may not be the most expressive team in the bunch, they are remarkably composed, sometimes to a fault. 

Scott distracts them with some warm up exercises and then it’s time for their warm up group to get out on the ice, and when all is said and done, thanks to their consistent, methodical skate, and a few teams losing their composure and dropping too many levels, Vick and Kyle end up on the podium, pretty dang shocked they held onto the bronze. 

Once the medal ceremony is over, Scott gets to introduce his ecstatic team to Tessa _freakin’_ Virtue. She is gracious and kind, and points out everything she enjoyed about the program. When Victoria and Kyle finally leave with their families it’s with matching looks of awe at just how good her moments of attention have made them feel. Scott can’t help but shake his head and smile at her in exasperation. 

“What?” she asks as they go back to grab his stuff from the office he stashed it in. 

“You’d think they don’t regularly spend half their days with the other half of Virtue and Moir with how completely twitterpated they were with you,” he jokes. 

“They were not twitterpated. They’re just sweet!”

“Oh no, if you didn’t already have fans for life in them, you’d have them now,” he tells her. “I’d forgotten how good you are at that.”

“It helps that I actually care,” she says, “most of the time, at least. I definitely was better at faking it, though.” She winks at him and he’s thrown back four years. He pulls her into a headlock hug for a few seconds and then pulls away and they head out to the car. 

He wonders what they’ll talk about, if she’ll pull out her old list of questions just to see if his answers are different now, or if she’s found new questions to ask. He knows she’s slept just fine at night without knowing the answers for the last three years, but despite moments of comfort and camaraderie, there is still a chasm between them. They take a detour and grab some coffee for the drive back, though traffic shouldn’t be too horrendous on the weekend. 

They’re just getting settled into the flow of traffic when she asks, “Can you tell me more about how you came to be Ben’s dad?”

Scott has to swallow down his surprise, but when he thinks about it, he hasn’t told her this story yet, not really. “Yeah,” he says as he spares a quick glance at her before refocusing on the road. “I can do that.”

And then he dives into the story. He tells her about that conversation with Lily, and how shocked he was, but how her words wouldn’t leave him. He tells her about how excited he was, how underprepared he was for the process. She squeezes his hand when he tells her about the birth moms he met who didn’t choose him, how after each one he would get sick and how he almost removed himself from the process altogether after the last rejection. He tells her that he was, and is, constantly scared, maybe not acutely, but that there’s a low level of fear in his belly all the time now. 

“What are you scared of?” she asks. 

“That he’ll get taken from me, mostly,” he says as he grips the steering wheel tight enough for his knuckles to turn white. “And that he’ll lose me.”

“I think being a parent must be terrifying,” she says with so much empathy that he has to widen his eyes to keep them from tearing up. “Maybe even more so when you’re doing such a good job.” 

He coughs out a laugh in response. “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, Virtch. Not a one.”

“Bullshit,” she calls him out. 

“I’m doing my best but I mess up every day. Every damn day,” he confesses. 

“I don’t think you do,” she tells him. “Maybe every other day.”

“I’m constantly lost and playing catch up. You know how much I hate that.”

“But you’re doing it. And he’s safe and happy and thriving,” she assures him. Her voice takes on a hint of exhaustion that belies her enthusiasm. 

There’s something about the way she sighs, so heavy and deep, that tells him that denying his successes in parenting again will be both pointless and add a burden to whatever it is that’s weighing her down. “He is happy,” he agrees. 

“And so are you, Scott,” she tells him. “The happiest I’ve ever seen you.”

He can’t deny that. “It’s pretty amazing,” he agrees. 

“You always knew you’d be good at it,” she teases him, but again, there’s a weight in her voice that seems out of step with her words. 

“That was the hubris talking,” he jokes back. 

“You always had confidence in spades,” she agrees, “But you also really wanted this -- being a dad. You were always so sure of this aspect of your future. And you have it and it’s beautiful and you are every bit as good at it as I knew you’d be.”

“Never thought it’d be like this, though,” he admits. “I knew it’d be hard and I knew it’d be lonely, but fuck, T. I’ve never had to do anything alone,” he says. 

“You’re doing just fine, kiddo,” she tells him. “And someday when you and Ben are ready, I have no doubt you’ll be able to take care of the lonely aspect.” She injects the levity of a wink into her voice, one he couldn’t see in the dark even if he could look at her, but one he definitely hears. 

She’s also signaling that the heavy portion of their talk is over. He’s okay with that. 

“Hey Virtch?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s your favorite curse word?”

Her laughter fills the car and they spend the rest of the drive answering questions they already know the answers to.


	4. let's try this again, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured some of us could use some (complicated) holiday cheer right about now with all the stuff goin' on in this sometimes disheartening world. Enjoy some cuteness, some renewed friendship, some bb dancing, all with a slight coat of that melancholy patina that sometimes comes with the holidays. 
> 
> Also! I'm working on comment replies to the last chapter! I appreciate all of them so much but figured y'all wouldn't want me to delay posting this any longer. I will get to them this weekend! \\\
> 
> Thanks a million to A and C for all the things. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, yeah?
> 
> (had to repost the chapter cause Ao3 was being moody. at least two comments were lost to the ether because of this. if you know me you know that makes me the saddest boo. *shrug*)

The holiday season is ushered in with a flood of family, food, music, and lights, all of which fascinate Ben. His happy baby seems to be getting more and more used to the attention that his extended family showers him with, which is a relief. Scott hasn’t been sure what to expect as far as his son’s first holiday season goes, but he finds himself stoked at how fascinated Ben seems by the decorations, and the music. It’s been damn fun for Scott himself to rediscover the season through his son. 

He’s had a weird relationship to the holidays his entire adult life. With winter being such a pivotal time in the skating season, always having the Final to contend with and then gearing up for Canadians right after the new year, they rarely had the time to spend more than a day or two at home with their families -- hell, they rarely had time to breathe. Scott made a decision in his late teen years that he’d focus his family time in the late spring or early summer instead, and he deadened himself just a little to the impact of Christmas and the New Year. He’ll have to ask Tess if that’s what happened for her, too. 

Which isn’t to say he didn’t enjoy Christmas all those years, he did. I was just never a season long celebration like it is for most North Americans. It was a day or two where he and Tessa drove into Ontario, soaked up all of home they could, and then returned to Michigan and got right back to work. Even after they stopped competing - both times - he hadn’t been great at leaning into weeks of parties and celebration. 

Now that he has his own kid, though, he can feel himself slow down a little and take it in more. 

Which is, frankly, ridiculous because Ben is only 8-months-old and other than the bouncing dance he does to the more upbeat Christmas Carols and his utter fascination with the lights and other shiny things, the baby has no understanding of Christmas itself.

“Of course it’s different this year. You have a kid,” Tessa tells him with an eye roll when he points this out. She pauses before adding, “It probably also helps that your skaters are all junior or younger and since you’re not coaching with Russians, no one expects you to be in a frozen ice rink for the entirety of December and beginning of January. You actually get two whole weeks off!”

Only two of the KWSC dance teams made it to Nationals, one novice and one junior, and Paul has reminded Scott that he has a baby and was entitled to way more time off than he took, so he’s not going to have Scott take point on any training over the holiday. Scott will still likely go to Nationals with them and help with their prep, maybe even sit in the kiss and cry with them depending on where they end up in the line up, but while the team is good enough and would be even better with more dedication, neither kid has that all-in, go for broke mentality that got him and Tessa so far. It’s frustrating for Scott to see so much natural talent in the team without that drive, but he isn’t going to complain about not having the kind of teams that need hyper-dedicated coaches at this point in his career, especially while his son is so young. 

“It’s nice, hey? To not have to be so focused in the winter. Weird, but nice.” They’re at their favorite cafe in London each enjoying the chunk of freedom they’ve been granted as Tessa preps for the foundation to kick into gear in the new year and Scott gets a much more restful December than he expected when he started coaching in earnest. 

Tessa hums around her bite of french toast, her lips quirked up as she watches Ben bounce to some beat while in his high chair as he eats some puffs. Scott hadn’t even noticed there was music playing, it’s so faint, but sure enough, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree can barely be heard through the speakers. When Ben looks up to see Tessa smiling at him, he gives her a cheesy grin and keeps bouncing while shoving more puffs in his mouth. Tessa laughs as Ben tries to dislodge a puff that’s stuck to the back of his hand with just his mouth and keeps missing -- the longer it goes on the harder she laughs, which makes Ben laugh even more. 

This kid, man. It’s not just Christmas that is different because of Ben -- it’s everything. He loves watching his son interact with the world around him. So many things make the small boy grin and squeal and laugh. Just as many seem to startle or bewilder him, but almost every time, he quickly moves through the discomfort and returns to the happy boy Scott is so lucky to get to raise. Watching two of his favorite people crack each other up sets Scott’s body aglow. 

Ben eventually turns his charm toward Scott, smiling up at his dad with a huge grin and laughing again, so happy and wanting to share the joy with his Dad. Scott bobs his head in time to the music, reaches over and frees the puff from Ben’s skin and hands it to the baby, who gladly pops it in his mouth. 

Scott is so focused on his son that he almost misses how quiet Tessa gets. When she meets his eye he quirks his eyebrow at her in question. 

She makes a face, crinkling her nose and biting her lip before saying, “Speaking of weird, I did something you might think is weird, but which is actually maybe more normal than we’ve ever been.”

“I’m intrigued,” he says, planting his elbows on the table so he can settle his chin on his folded hands, giving her his full attention. 

“I bought you and Ben Christmas gifts,” she says with a half-quirked smile. “And I know the last time we got each other real gifts it was basically back in 2003 or something ridiculous, but things are different now and I saw them and bought them and want to give them to you for the holiday but if it’d make things weird again, we can just forget it.” Her voice is steady as she says it but she’s mostly looking at Ben instead of Scott as the words flow quickly from her mouth. 

“I got you something, too, Tess,” he reassures her quietly. “I saw it and it felt right.” Sometimes they really can be miraculously in sync.

Her face brightens a little when he says this and he’s so glad he went with his impulse the other night when he was out shopping with for his family.

“I might have gotten more than one thing for Ben,” she admits. 

“This is not at all surprising. I knew he’d charm you.” 

“Yeah. He’s definitely charming,” she agrees as she leans over and kisses Ben’s cheek while he’s distracted by more puffs stuck to his fingers. 

“He’s also a baby and doesn’t actually need much more than he has so maybe whatever you’ve gotten is enough?” Scott suggests gently. He’s not ready for the onslaught of crap he’s going to have to haul back to the house after Christmas. But since it’s a sign that Ben is loved so damn much, he’ll deal with the added clutter. 

“I’ve been spreading the love between my nieces and him, so it’s helping to diffuse the intensity for any one of them. Except my youngest niece who will get double the presents because I’m not depriving her of separate birthday and Christmas gifts. I’m not a monster.”

She is definitely not a monster. 

“So we get each other gifts now? Or is this a one-time thing?”

Tessa bites the pad of her thumb for a second and then shrugs. “I’m pretty sure we get each other gifts now. We didn’t give each other gifts before or spend birthdays and holidays together because we already spent so much time with each other and needed to focus our friendly energy on the big days on other people. We were managing our friendship expectations within the context of our skating partnership -- both with others and with each other, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says quietly, not quite being able to suppress his fond smile. 

“But now, we’re friend-friends. At least it feels like we’re friend-friends now--”

“We’re friends, Tess. Always have been, on some level, but we’re friend-friends now.” He reaches over and puts a hand on hers in reassurance. 

“Good. So as friend-friends, working toward being good friend-friends, we will be doing gifts now. And making an effort to see each other around holidays. And sending a message through text or social media wishing the other happy birthday.” She touches each finger as she lists off these changes to their holiday interactions. He knows from experience that friends rarely set such clear expectations of what’s expected from each other, but they learned long ago to verbalize their expectations, at least the ones that were important to them. He takes her rules seriously because he knows it helps her to feel like they’re on even footing. 

“Would you be opposed to a call on your birthday? I’ve gotten better at texting but...”

“Yes. A call is good, especially if we’re in different cities or something.”

“Okay,” Scott says as he squeezes her hand. 

Then Ben starts banging his hand against the tray of the high chair and basically yelling at them to pay attention to him again, and they don’t even try to resist him. 

Scott can see Tessa relax now that they’ve done the weirdest version of a DTR ever. He’s glad that they’ve verbalized that they both want to make a more normal version of friendship work going forward. In truth, they’ve been hanging out together with increasing frequency since Challenge and though it’s far from the constant togetherness they experienced for most of their partnership, it’s nice to be around her again. So nice. Better than nice, really. When he’s around Tessa, Scott feels grounded again, but also more energized than he’s been in years. 

Still, there’s a part of him that knows that in the past, she often got the short end of the stick in their partnership, and he can see how easily they could slip into that again. The unbalanced balance they had struck seemed to work so well, it would be so easy to fall back into it. Now, though, he can sense rather frequently, that she’s pushing through a level of discomfort that he doesn’t know the source of and until he does he needs to tread a little more gently than ever before. He hopes that she’ll feel free to talk to him about it sooner rather than later, but he blew any ability to demand openness from her when he didn’t tell her about Ben, so he’ll be patient and take his cues from her as best he can. 

Ben’s laugh breaks through Scott’s revery and he’s once again treated to Tessa making Ben squeal in delight, just by smiling at him. Scott knows conversations about Tessa’s discomfort and whatever has her unsettled will likely have to wait until after the holiday season, so he focuses on the joy that Tessa and the baby are exuding in this moment. 

*  
Tessa arrives promptly at 5:00pm, her hair sparkling from the snowflakes that got caught in her hair from the short walk from her car to his door. 

“You know you can just come in, right?” he asks as he presses a kiss to her cheek in hello and then steps back so she, and her more than two packages can come inside. He takes the stack of presents from her, and sets them on the kitchen counter as he checks on the oven timer, leaving her to divest herself of her snow-flecked outerwear and boots. 

“You’ve said that before, yeah,” she tells as she loosening her scarf, readjusting it for inside. “Maybe someday.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says in resignation. 

Ben shouts out a greeting from his place in the middle of the fenced in portion of the living room, something Scott still finds a little bit ridiculous, but also incredibly convenient. It encloses more space than a normal playpen would, giving Ben a chance to crawl around, something he’s gotten damn good at in the last month, and has several different kinds of toy options to keep Ben from getting too bored while Scott makes dinner or studies video of his skaters. Scott tries to use it just enough to help Ben develop a sense of appropriate independence, while doing his best to not leave his kid alone to often. He didn’t go through all the work of being allowed to parent him, only to neglect actually parenting him. 

Tessa heads into the living room and climbs over the fence to sit in the enclosed space with Ben, something she’s made a habit of since they’ve started doing these dinners together. She’s wearing black leggings and a gray sweatshirt that says “Sleighin’ It” with Santa’s sleigh in bold red on the front. Her hair is half up and left wavy in a way that he’s rarely seen outside of the deepest of training weeks when she wouldn’t bother to take a straightener or curler to her hair when all of their energy needed to be spent in the rink or gym. 

Ben crawls up to her, pushing one of those buckets that has a lid with different shaped holes in it that will eventually be used to help him learn which blocks go into those holes. For now he’s mostly still in the phase where he bugs an adult until they take the lid off so he can put each block into the bucket, one by one, and then once they’re all in, Ben gleefully dumps them all back out and then repeats the process all over again. It seems like just the right level of construction and destruction to keep him occupied for a good ten minutes, which is a huge win in Scott’s book. 

Of course Tessa gathers Ben into her lap, something the baby does not protest, pops the lid onto the top of the bucket, and physically guides Ben through putting each block into the right hole, naming each of the shapes and colors as they slide through, and celebrating each success with a cheer and some clapping, which the baby copies in his clumsy, fucking adorable, way. And then she lets him dump the blocks out with his usual glee and they start all over. 

Dinner is an easy meal of roasted chicken, new potatoes, and green beans, so Scott gets to watch them play as he preps. Ben is easy, but he’s not a perfect child. He fusses when he doesn’t get what he wants right away, and he yells out a few times when he wants to put a block in the wrong hole and it doesn’t fit, but Tessa is patient and quietly guides his hands to the right hole, or waits out a mini tantrum, and then starts again, once Ben calms. She gives off the air that she can wait out the frustration all day if that’s what the baby needs from her. 

“Dinner almost ready?” she asks, startling Scott. 

“It is ready when you two are,” he tells her. 

“I’m starving,” she says. “I worked through lunch today since I knew it would be an early dinner for me tonight. Should have gotten a snack, though.”

Scott frowns at her, but is quick to pluck Ben off the ground and toss him up into the air before settling him against his hip. “You ready to eat, Bud?” Ben grunts in agreement and bounces in Scott’s arms, and unlike every other night this week, he doesn’t fight when Scott pops him into the high chair. “Oh so now that you have an audience you’re gonna be my sweet boy again?” Scott asks as he buckles Ben in and kisses his head. 

“I refuse to believe he’s ever not a complete sweetheart,” Tessa says. 

“He’s been a total stinker at meal times lately. Has zero interest in sitting in the high chair and only wants to eat when he’s being held. Then you come by and he’s happy as a clam to do what’s asked of him.”

“I’m sure it’s all me,” she replies with an eye roll. 

“He’s far from the only small child to fall under the Tessa Virtue spell,” Scott says with a shrug. 

“Me? You were the one they all loved,” she argues, shaking her head as she starts dishing out the food. 

“Wait, seriously?” Scott asks when he straightens up from getting Ben settled. Is that how she really remembers it? “I mean, I did pretty well with all the kids, but you were like a Disney Princess with the woodland creatures surrounding her the way they’d flock around you and listen to everything you said.”

Tessa stares at him for a second and then shakes her head in denial. “That seems like you’re indulging in a little bit of revisionist history,” she protests. “What about that one little girl that would not stop screaming when her parents wanted me to hold her?”

“The _one_ toddler that was having a horrible day is the one you remember? Not the gazillion other shy or rambunctious kids you put under your calm and patient spell?”

“They were not under my spell, Scott. If anyone had them mesmerized it was you.”

Scott is baffled enough by her continued protest that he just shrugs and takes a bite of his chicken. 

They keep up a friendly enough conversation as they eat after that, Scott switching from eating his own meal to coaxing Ben to eat some of his food, but there’s an undercurrent of tension throughout the meal. As comfortable as they’ve gotten with each other again, and there has been improvement, that tension seems to be a constant these days and he hates it. 

“I can take care of the dishes after we do the gift thing, okay?” he asks. Ben goes down an hour after dinner these days (and on occasion he’s been known to tire himself out so much that he faceplants into the high chair tray) so they should probably get to that before it’s time for Ben to go to sleep. Plus he’s pretty sure at least some of the anxiety visible in the way Tessa holds her body, is due to the presents sitting in the living room. 

“You cooked, so I’ll do the dishes, like usual,” at this she gives him a deadpan look to let him know she’s onto him, “but I’m good with doing presents first,” she agrees. 

They settle onto the sofa, Ben on Scott’s lap and Tessa hands Scott three packages, all impeccably wrapped, with neat nametags all bearing Benjamin’s name on them. 

“Look buddy! Let’s see what Tess got you.” He reaches for one of the packages but Tessa stops him. 

“Start with this one,” she says as she points to a medium sized package, “Then this one, and that one,” she continues as she points to the largest one, and then the smallest of the three. 

Scott rips into the medium sized package, making a show of it and letting Ben paw at it, too. He pulls out two small Adidas jogging suits, one black and red, the other blue and white and smiles. They’re way too nice for a baby who can’t even walk yet and they both look a smidge too big still, but it won’t be long before they fit perfectly. 

“Represent, T,” he says with a wink. Ben pats the soft material, but understandably doesn’t get too excited about the gift. 

Tessa sighs and gestures to him to open the largest of the packages so he complies. “Whoa, buddy. Look at this!” 

Ben pats at the brightly colored box. Inside is a toy Scott’s had his eye on for when Ben gets a little bit older. It a horse-shoe shaped toy that Ben will be able to stand in the middle of once he’s mastered pulling himself up. The gadget has a bunch of different buttons he can press that will play different beats. Given how much Ben likes to bounce along to music now, Scott is genuinely looking forward to when he starts to walk, and run, and eventually dance in his own baby way, to the music. 

He can already sense this one is going to be a favorite that Scott will love and hate in turns. 

As if sensing his ambivalence, Tessa just smirks at him and says, “Sorry. I couldn’t help it. I think he’s going to love it!”

“Oh it’s going to drive me crazy, but he’s definitely going to love it. I’ve had my eye on it for his first birthday. This is better,” Scott says. 

“Oh no! I didn’t mean to poach your gift,” she says, cringing a little in apology. 

“It’s perfect, Kiddo. Really,” he says as he reaches over and squeezes her hand. Ben is still focused on the bright colors on the box, and seems to enjoy the slightly hollow sound he makes when he bangs his hands against the side of the box if the smile he shines up at Scott is any indication. Scott lets him get in a few more wacks before he moves it aside and picks up the last gift. 

“I was getting one for my niece and saw this one, realized I don’t think he has one yet and he’s about the right age so...”

Scott cocks his head in question as he slides his finger under the seam of the wrapping paper and encourages Ben to tug on it, too. Ben startles when a chunk of the paper comes off in his hands, but laughs and tries again when Scott tells him, “Good job buddy! Do it one more time!”

Ben gets a few more good rips in before Scott is able to uncover the box it was covering. Tessa was good to them and didn’t tape the box closed, so he’s able to lift the lid two identical blankets that look soft as anything, both with a small, fuzzy, mint green dragon attached. 

Ben touches the one closest to him and is immediately mesmerized by the soft, soothing texture. 

“They’re lovies,” Tessa explains. “You might already have one for him that you plan to use when you start to travel more, but Casey found that having two of them, one for home and one travel seemed to help. I read that you can sleep with them at first to get your scent on them and help with them associating it with you, but that’s maybe a little too woo-woo for you, and I...anyway. You might already have something picked out and if you do that’s fine.”

“Tess,” Scott interrupts. “They’re perfect. He loves them already.” 

Maybe it’s because it’s so close to bedtime and he’s used to cuddling with his bunny, or holding onto Scott’s worn out shirts as he falls asleep, but Ben already seems to understand the purpose of these new items, since he’s got one held up to his face, hands gripping the blanket part in a slow rhythm, as he leans back against Scott’s chest. 

“Good. I got an elephant set for Kevin’s daughter, and thought about getting those for him, too but when I saw these -- there are wings on the back and and their little faces kill me,” she says with a shrug. 

“They’re perfect,” he tells her again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Okay, I need to go grab your gifts from my room, you wanna take him for a bit?”

“Yeah,” she agrees as Scott stands and plops a relaxed Ben into her lap. 

“Merry Christmas, Ben,” Scott hears her murmur to the baby. The baby who is entirely chill and happy in Tessa’s arms. 

Scott shivers as he moves back into his room to grab the two package, one which he had wrapped at the department store, and the other which he attempted to pull off himself, the messy corners evidence of his lack of skill. 

“Can you grab yours off the counter, too?” she asks once he returns. 

Scott sets hers down in front of her and then doubles back to grab his, gently shaking the larger package. “What could this be?”

“No guessing!” she retorts still looking down at Ben who perks up a little when Tess reaches forward to grab her own gifts. 

“I got you one funny and one serious one. Which do you want to open first?” Scott asks. 

“Same,” she replies. “Maybe let’s do the normal ones first and then the funny ones?”

“Sounds good. You go first since I got to help Ben with his.”

Tessa nods and reaches for the larger present, assuming correctly that it was the normal gift. She pulls it to her lap in front of Ben and he starts pawing at it right away. “You gonna help me, buddy?” she asks and Ben nods enthusiastically. Tessa pulls back a little of the gorgeous, thick, silver paper and encourages Ben to pull, too. He waves his hands around excitedly when some of it tears away and gets distracted by playing with that bit of paper, so Tessa finishes on her own. 

Inside is a gorgeous, soft, blanket shawl. As she runs her fingers over the dark grey fabric, she can tell that it’s incredibly high quality cashmere and she looks up at Scott in alarm. This is not a cheap piece.

“I know you like to have them for planes and that you’ll be criss-crossing Canada again soon,” he says with a sheepish shrug. 

“It’s gorgeous,” she chokes out. She had been a little worried her gift would be over the top but now she worries it’s maybe not enough. She startles Ben as she shakes out the shawl but soothes him again when she pulls it around her shoulders and includes the baby as she pulls it tight. “Isn’t it so soft, Ben? So warm and cozy.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Scott says. 

“Thank you, it’s...I have a feeling it’s too much, but I do love it.” She presses a kiss to Ben’s head and then points to Scott’s gift with her forehead. “Your turn.”

Scott rips open his gift efficiently with little mess or fanfair. He pulls out his keys from his pocket to slice through the tape at the top of the shipping box and pops it open, brows furrowing as he pulls the gift out of the box. It’s a leather backpack, artfully distressed but the leather is high quality and the stitching impeccable. When he looks at the label he recalls it from some of the mommy blogs he followed when Ben was a baby and he needed all the tips and tricks he could get. It’s one of those diaper bags that all of them recommend for it’s gender neutral look, durability, cleanability, and frankly because it’s expensive as fuck. The blogs always include a few links to alternatives that are more affordable but not as well laid out or durable. 

“This is nuts, T,” he says as he looks up at her. 

“I noticed the pack you were using for a diaper bag got snagged on something during our trip to Hamilton and Kevin swears by this one. He even got a second one to use as his work bag,” she says with a shrug. “Plus, I think we both went a little nuts,” she adds as she points to the shawl around her. 

Scott can feel his ears redden at her correct inference. “Fair enough,” he replies. “We’ll just say we’re both making up for years without gifts and call it good.”

Tessa shrugs in response and looks down to catch Ben yawning big enough that if he wasn’t a baby his jaw would have been cracking. Scott laughs and picks up the other gift. 

“Wait,” Tessa says. “There’s something inside of it.”

Scott flips the flap over and reaches into the largest compartment. Inside he grasps onto something cold and metal. When he pulls it out tears genuinely come to his eyes. “Tess.”

“I guess it’s for both of you, but I noticed the other day that you didn’t have one yet, and maybe Alma’s getting you one, so I didn’t personalize it much, just because it’s not anywhere near my place, but I figure you can’t have too many, really...”

Scott gets up from his chair and sits next to her, pulling her into a hug. “Thank you. I have no clue if my mom got one, I don’t think she did with the other kids, and it never crossed my mind, to be honest,” he says into her hair before sitting back against the couch cushions so he can get a better look at it. 

It’s a simple silver snowflake ornament with Ben’s name and the year engraved below. It doesn’t say “First Christmas” but it’s obvious that the intention is there. There’s even a gap between the name and the year where those words can be added. He’s blown away by the thoughtfulness in the gift. 

Ben yawns again this time letting out a little whistling sigh and Scott knows they need to wrap this up so he hands Tess her joke gift and reaches over to grab his from the other side of the coffee table and they both open them at the same time. 

Tessa snorts and chokes a little when she gets her first glimpse at the mug he got her. 

“It fit so well,” he tells her with a big grin. The mug is white with black letters that say: _I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady_, with a pretty bunch of flowers underneath. 

“It’s true, too,” she says. “I’ve gotten out of the habit a bit, but since I’ve been home there’s been an uptick in the cursing again.”

“I’d be disappointed if there wasn’t,” he replies, even though it isn’t true. Scott takes the chance to look down at the shirt he’s unwrapped. It’s a grey t-shirt with the words _There’s no hood like Fatherhood_ on it, which is exactly the kind of joke Tessa would make. He already knows he’s going to wear this shirt until there are multiple holes in it, though. 

They clean up quickly and Scott puts Ben down for bed, returning to Tessa finishing up the dishes. 

“Want to watch a movie?” he asks, even though he’s pretty sure the answer will be no. He’s right. 

“I need to finish getting ready for Christmas at my mom’s and then I’m having that party on Boxing Day,” she says as she leans against the counter and shrugs. 

“Oh. Okay. I won’t keep you, then,” he assures her as he grabs a beer out of the fridge and pops open the lid. He’s pretty sure she hasn’t told him about a party on Boxing Day, so he assumes it must be a Virtue thing, or something with Midori and Liz, if they’re even still in town. 

“I know you all have that annual shinny thing on Boxing Day, but mine is in the afternoon and you are welcome to come. Bring Ben, too,” she suggests. “No worries if you can’t fit it in, though. It’s just family and a few close friends. I’m aiming for lowkey.”

Oh. Okay. The shinny usually goes till about one since they do a late morning meal at his mom’s and an after game lunch at Marg’s, but he wouldn’t be the first one to beg off of one or both of those events after having a kid.

“I know it’s a tight fit,” she adds. “It really is okay if you can’t come,” she says and she genuinely sounds like she means it. 

“I’ll see how Ben does,” he offers. “I think he’ll be fine, but it’s going to be a big week for him.” And for Scott. 

“Good,” Tessa replies as she drapes the towel she was using to dry the dishes over the handle bar of the oven and then heads into his mud room. 

Once she has her outerwear and boots on, Scott pulls her into a tight, almost full body hug. He needs her to know how much he appreciates her thoughtfulness, and just how much he’s glad she’s in his life again. In a year with tons of good things happening to him, this is up there with the best. 

She squeezes him back in return and they kiss each others’ cheek once they pull away. And then Tess slips out the door. 

*

The whole Moir family is made up of early risers, so everyone else is already at Alma and Joe’s when Scott pulls up at just after 9:00am on Christmas Eve. Danny and Tessa and their two youngest are staying at the house, though Scott is pretty sure the oldest two finagled their way into spending last night at Charlie and Nicole’s with the other older cousins. 

He steps into the house, his new backpack on his back, Ben in one arm, and a grocery tote full of dinner rolls in the other, and is met by intense warmth and the smell of cinnamon rolls and bacon. And a lot of chatter. He closes his eyes and smiles for a second when he lets the feeling of home and family wash over him. It’s gonna be chaotic as fuck, and he’ll probably have a headache by midafternoon, and he’s a little worried at how Ben will take all the activity and extra little people taking up his Gramma and Papa’s attention, but Scott still loves days like this.

He’s facing the door and the stand of hooks and cubbies that line the wall beside it, so he’s taken a bit off guard when one of his smaller nephews tackles his legs from behind and calls out “Hi Uncle Scott!” in a high, sugar-fueled voice. 

“Hey buddy,” he says as he lays his hand on his nephew’s head, the closest he’ll get to a hug before he has Ben situated. “Dang! You’ve grown a whole head since the summer.”

“I only have one head, Uncle Scott,” his nephew says with an exasperated look. Scott just shakes his head and huffs out a laugh not even attempting to explain what he meant. 

Tessa Moir peeks her head around the corner and smiles at Scott and Ben. “For your information, he’s grown three inches since June. It’s ridiculous,” she says as she comes over to hug Scott and press a kiss against Ben’s cheek. “Look at you, Ben! You’re so big now!”

“All these kids just keep growing,” Scott says with a wink. He’s aware that he’s spewing the same parenting platitudes that his uncles and aunts said every time they’d gone awhile without seeing one another, remembers rolling his eyes at the lame jokes about growing (or not growing) and while that little boy in him is still rolling his eyes, the new dad in him is relishing it. 

“Think this little guy will come to me?” she asks with a smile at Ben. 

“We can try,” he agrees. If Ben isn’t feeling it now he’ll likely mellow out in a little bit of time. 

Turns out there was no reason to worry. Ben allows himself to be transferred from Scott’s arms and into his aunt’s with no fuss other than a bit of a brow furrow when Scott tells him he’s going to Auntie Tessa if that’s okay. Ben goes to Scott’s sister-in-law anyway, but is still frowning as he does so. 

Interesting. 

They are swallowed up in a sea of family and food and too many voices talking at once as soon as they enter the kitchen and Scott thoroughly enjoys it. 

The day flies by and Scott has fun, even if his prediction of a headache and overstimulation is spot on. One of his nephews has a habit of singing the opening line to Jingle Bells over and over all day until someone asks him to stop, which he does with a sheepish look, only to start up again when he’s coloring or playing with Lego. The snowball fight ends up with two of the littler boys with minor injuries (though Ben is snug inside with Gramma, watching from the window, alternating between delighted giggles and worried frowns.) 

Around afternoon nap time, the two oldest girls get in a tiff over something, with Charlie’s daughter uncharacteristically bursting into tears, which leads to apologies and hugs and the two of them settling in on Gramma and Papa’s bed with Elf playing on the tv that his parents never use. Since Ben has had more than enough stimulation for a bit, Scott carries him into his parent’s room and asks the girls if they can join them for the rest of the movie.

Ben quickly falls asleep tucked in between his two cousins both of whom seem delighted to be snuggled up with him. He only sleeps for the last 45 minutes, but Scott still counts it a victory. Especially since he wakes up smiling and up for a giggle filled game of peek-a-boo with his oldest cousins. It isn’t long until Alma comes in, Danny’s 11-month-old son in her arms. 

“Is that Mr. Benny’s laughing I hear?” she asks. The baby in Alma’s arms points at Ben and then reaches out for his sister to take him, presumably so he can be closer to Ben. 

What follows is a bizarre and downright hilarious “conversation” between Ben and his youngest cousin that involves a lot of grunting and uproarious laughter. Both babies end up on their sides facing each other, trying to catch their breath around their giggles, only for one or the other to touch the others’ face or arm and then the giggles start all over again. 

One of his nieces manages to record a good chunk of it on her tablet, which Scott’s insanely grateful for. 

Dinner is a free for all, but Ben seems content to watch all the people come and go. Scott manages to get a decent amount of food into his son but is so distracted himself that he doesn’t eat anything until Charlie scoops Ben up and starts dancing around with him. Alma sets a plate of Scott’s favorites in front of him and drops a kiss to the crown of his head. 

“You don’t have to do it alone,” she reminds him, and then moves along to help Danny’s five-year-old get some milk. 

Scott has to swallow down the lump in his throat at his mother’s words before he can dig into his meal. He takes in this moment, where his whole family is together and happy, including his son who is bouncing in Charlie’s arms as one of Alma’s light up snowman knick-knacks plays “Let It Snow” as the lights flicker in and out with the tune. 

He legitimately can’t remember a time when he was this happy. 

*

Scott has always had tremendous respect and love for the Virtue family. The family sacrificed so much for Tessa’s career, primarily time with Tessa herself, but that means they sacrificed almost as much for Scott’s career and as such, he has been, and always will be, tied to them in ways that normal friendships don’t achieve. Still, he feels hesitant as he walks up to Tessa’s front door with a bundled up Ben on Boxing Day. Tessa has invited all of her siblings, her mom, some of her old friends, and Scott and Ben over for the afternoon. He’d be lying if he didn’t feel a little nervous, if happy, that after almost three years of limited to no contact with almost everyone coming, he’s back to being included under the umbrella of Tessa’s family again. 

It’s Jordan who answers the door when Scott rings the bell. 

“Hey you!” Scott says, swallowing down his nerves when confronted with Tessa’s sister in the flesh. Like Tessa, her hair is lighter now, cut in a straight style just to her jaw. Also, he’s pretty sure from the form fitting sweater dress that she’s wearing showing off a tiny bump, that Jordan is pregnant, which he doesn’t remember Tessa telling him. He quickly files that in the back of his mind. And doesn’t say anything about it because his mama didn’t raise a fool. 

“Scott! You came!” Jordan says as she reaches to hug him enthusiastically. “And you brought one of your nephews?” 

Scott freezes mid squeeze, confused by that comment. “No, no,” he corrects. “This is Ben,” he adds as he fiddles with his son’s hat to make sure it’s still snug on his head since they’re standing on Tessa’s small front stoop. When giving the baby’s name seems to clear up nothing at all, Scott cocks his head and looks at Jordan curiously. “My son.”

“Wait. What?” Jordan asks completely flummoxed, eyes wide and hands frozen mid-air. 

“T didn’t tell you?” Scott asks. 

“Did you say his name was Ben?” Jordan asks, skipping over Scott’s question as she looks more closely at the baby. “He’s gorgeous. Congratulations! You have a baby.”

Scott has to laugh a little at how bewildered, yet unfailingly polite she’s being. Ben must sense the tension, though, because he presses his head into Scott’s shoulder and clutches at Scott’s jacket and lets out a tiny little whine of protest. 

“I do have a baby,” he agrees. 

Jordan seems to snap out of her shock then. “Oh shit. Come in out of the cold!” she encourages as she waves them in. 

He stomps his boots against the mat outside the door, and bounces Ben in the process, coaxing a half-laugh out of the baby, before slipping inside. He sits Ben down all the way back on the deep entryway bench, and Jordan crouches down to talk to Ben and help him out of his jacket as Scott goes about getting his own outerwear and boots off and stowed away. 

“Hello Ben,” Jordan says as she unzips the jacket. “You are too cute. Don’t you just have the most expressive eyes.” Ben looks back and forth between Scott and Jordan, perplexed still, if his furrowed brow is any indication, but he doesn’t fight Jordan’s help. “How old is he?” Jordan asks as she straightens Ben’s clothes now that his mittens and jacket are off. She runs her fingers over Ben’s ears, and must decide they’re cold because she tugs his hat down further over them instead of taking the hat off. 

“He’ll be nine months on the tenth,” Scott replies. He always forgets how much Jordan and Tessa look alike until he sees Jordan again after an extended period away and gets wigged out by it all over again. He’s pretty sure that’s what’s happening with Ben now. 

“And his mom?” Jordan asks, voice neutral and light. 

“I adopted him, Jord,” Scott says quietly. “His birth mom went off the grid sometime in June.” Why he’s honest with her about that tidbit he isn’t entirely sure. 

“But...” Jordan starts, looking up at Scott with a piercing look. “Huh. I don’t think I would have ever guessed you’d adopt.”

Scott isn’t entirely sure how to take that, but since Jordan is far from the only person to make this comment -- Sheri had laughed when he first told her his plan because she thought he was joking with her -- he figures there’s a reason for this assumption. 

“And you?” he asks, changing the subject, yes, but also genuinely curious. “How have you been the last three years?”

Jordan laughs and shrugs, “I’m really good. And you are not the only one entering the realm of single parenthood,” she admits with a shrug, but the smile on her face is soft and beautiful. 

Scott doesn’t pry into the details but returns her smile and tells her, “Well you look fantastic and you will rock this, no doubt.”

Jordan kisses his cheek and gives her thanks and they head into the rest of the house. 

“Scott! You came,” Tessa says, the surprise evident in her voice, which is a little confusing since he had texted her the day before to tell her Ben had been doing well with all the commotion and his plan was to try and make it. He just nods in response as Tessa hugs him with one arm and kisses a still-shy Ben on the cheek. 

“You didn’t tell your family?” he says, voice pitched low so only she can hear him. 

“Oh. Um, no. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to,” Tessa shrugs before fully turning her attention to his son. “Hey Ben. Did you have so much fun with your cousins?” she asks as she runs a hand up his back. He gives her a shy smile but keeps his head on Scott’s shoulder as he looks around the room. The baby has never been to Tessa’s house before, and this is the first time Scott has been inside in years. There’s a little more color now, but everything is still tidy and soothing as always. 

“I’ll have to show you some video of him and Danny’s youngest,” Scott says letting her change the subject. “Neither of them can talk yet, but they still manage to crack each other up. It’s hilarious.”

Kate comes in from the kitchen then and does a double take when she sees the child in Scott’s arms. “Hello, Scott,” she says. “I thought I heard your voice. It’s so good to see you again.”

“Aww Kate,” he says, pulling her into a hug with his free arm. “You look fantastic as always.”

“Thank you,” she replies by rote, not taking her eyes off Scott’s face as she asks, “And who is this little one?”

“This is Benjamin. My son,” Scott answers, doing his best to keep from shrinking back under the intensity of her gaze. He hasn’t introduced Ben to very many people and he still gets shot through with the thrill of awe and nerves when he does so. In this circumstance, with this woman who has always been such a pillar of poise and prudence in his life, he feels raw and exposed and embarrassed because, holy shit, he has been ridiculously short sighted in how he’s handled telling people. 

Scott watches as Kate allows the tiniest of furrows to cross her brow, sees her eyes dart over to Tessa for a split second, and then she turns to Ben, puts on her best Nana face and says with a soft, kind voice, “Hello Benjamin. It’s very nice to meet you.” 

Ben tucks his head under Scott’s chin but looks out at Tessa’s mom and gives her a shy smile, his fingers splaying out in a little wave. 

“How sweet are you?” Kate asks Ben with a genuine but small smile. 

“It takes him a little bit to warm up with new people but he’ll be flirting away in no time,” Tessa says. “Wait till you hear his laugh,” she tells her mom. 

They all head into the family room and both Casey and Kevin hop up from the couch to greet Scott with quick hugs and warm hellos. While Kate, and to a lesser extent Jordan, had been mainstays throughout Scott and Tessa’s career, the Virtue brothers tended to drop in and out of their lives as they were able, so seeing them now after an extended time is nothing unusual. Casey doesn’t even blink when Scott introduces them to Ben, but Kevin shares an obvious look of curiosity with Tessa, who is standing behind Scott, before shrugging and introducing Scott to his one-year-old daughter, Jane, who is already reaching out to Tessa. Tess gladly takes her out of Kevin’s arms and nuzzles her nose against the girl’s soft red hair. 

The little girl has the roundest, sunniest face Scott has ever seen in person. Her eyes are piercing gray and so big and clear that Scott is pretty sure she can stare into his soul. “Oh man,” he says as he watches her give Tessa a sloppy kiss on the side of her face which makes Tessa laugh and kiss her back. “She’s a beauty.”

“She’s a good kid,” Kevin answers. “Loud as anything, like Sam at that age when she was fighting for attention...or laughing her head off, but good for some cuddling when she’s in the mood.”

“You named her Jane?” Scott asks. 

“Yep,” Kevin answers. He takes a long pull off his beer and shrugs. 

Scott gets the distinct feeling that he’s missing something, but when is he not? 

Tessa settles onto the floor of the family room with Jane on her lap and takes out a few toys from a chest by her tv to set out for the baby. 

Scott gets caught up in a conversation with Midori and soon a few of the other kids have surrounded Tessa and they all seem to be involved in some elaborate story involving the stuffed animals and blocks that she’s pulled out. Scott is in the middle of catching up with Casey on his new job when Ben starts to wiggle and whacks Scott on the chest to get his attention. 

“What’s up bud?” he asks. 

Ben wiggles more and then points over to where Tessa and the other kids are, babbling away in an attempt to communicate what exactly he wants. 

“You want to go play?” Scott clarifies. It seems Ben has gotten more comfortable with interacting with new kids after all the holiday gatherings with the Moirs and other friends. His son bounces in his arms in excitement so Scott excuses himself and set’s Ben down on the floor. 

Ben immediately crawls over to the small stuffed cheetah that’s next to Tessa and pushes himself up so he’s seated against her thigh. Without blinking or stopping her story, Tessa pulls Ben into her lap so now she has Jane settled on one side and Ben on the other. 

“And then the good witch and the good dragon Finnigan came into town but some people were still afraid of them even though they were good…” Tessa’s oldest niece takes over the story, enacting the scene with the toy dragon and Barbie that were in amongst the toys. Tessa sits back and lets the girl take over for a bit, but not before she dips her head down to kiss Ben’s head one more time and squeeze both babies to her. 

There is a bright smile on her lips as she watches the kids interact, and it even reaches her eyes, but Scott can tell there’s a tinge of sadness there, too. What’s more the other adults in the room seem to acknowledge it, too. 

As is so often the case these days, Scott has no chance to follow up on the feeling when one of Midori’s kids gets a little over zealous while swinging around a doll and accidentally bonks both Ben and Jane with it, startling them both and setting off a chain reaction of crying. 

Ben immediate looks up at his dad, arms up and the most betrayed look on his face. Any thought of Tessa’s sadness is put aside as he consoles his son. 

“Did you get whacked a little there, buddy?” he asks as he sits down next to Tessa and pulls Ben into his embrace. He also pulls one of Ben’s new lovies out of his inside jacket pocket and puts it close to Ben’s hand where it’s curled up on Scott’s chest near the baby’s tear-stained face. Ben clutches onto it immediately and rubs his face against it. 

“I think it startled him more than anything,” Tessa replies as she looks on. Kevin’s wife has collected Jane who is crying loud and proud. Tessa bites the pad of her thumb as she looks back and forth between Jane and Ben. 

“Probably,” Scott agrees. “You’ll be just fine won’t you, bud. You just need a second to figure it out, huh.”

Jane’s cries are muffled as she’s taken upstairs to calm down and Midori’s daughter looks a little shocked at the response she’s evoked. Once Ben has quieted and is merely laying against Scott’s chest, his dragon clutched in his hands, the little girl walks up, accompanied by her mom, and says “I’m sorry I hit you with my doll.”

Ben looks up at her and then over at Tessa and then back to the girl and gives her a little wave. 

Scott fills in and says, “He’s okay. Accidents happen.”

Midori smiles at him in thanks and then leads the little girl over to the couch where she gets to sit quietly for a bit longer. 

Scott and Ben stay until dusk, the last non-Virtues at the party. Ben falls asleep in Scott’s arms as Scott and Casey talk about one of the golf courses that the Virtue brothers played over the summer and Scott takes that as his cue to head home. Scott gets Ben into his snow suit and warm boots all while the baby sleeps on, and then Tessa holds the baby while Scott gets into his own outerwear and boots. Kate brings over a small, but warm blanket to throw over Tessa and the baby since Tessa insists on walking Ben out to the car so he is jostled one less time. 

“Don’t be a stranger, now,” Kate tells Scott as they hug before he leaves. “You have some groveling to do and I think that some time with that sweet boy will be just the thing.” She kisses his cheek and steps back and Scott nods in response, the shame overcoming him all over again. 

Tessa gets Ben settled in the car seat quickly, though he wakes up a little in the middle, crying out a little before she tucks the blanket around him and he falls back to sleep. 

Scott hugs her quickly and then shoos her back inside since she’s not even remotely dressed for the weather and she’s put the blanket that was mostly meant to keep her warm into the car with Ben. At least there’s no ice on her steps or walkway, since he’s sure her flats have zero tread. 

He can see her and her mom and Jordan all standing in the doorway as he pulls away. Something about the way the two women are wrapped around Tess, a sight he’s seen a million times in his life, makes his chest hurt and his eyes water. 

*


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was rough going for so many reasons, y'all. Most of those reasons had little to do with the actual fic/chapter itself, but oof. I hope it was at least a little bit worth the struggle. Let me know what you think, please. 
> 
> To C and A, y'all are keeping this thing afloat, I hope you know that. Thanks a million.
> 
> ETA: and since I forgot this needed to be explicitly stated, once again, no one has permission to archive any of my fic elsewhere. The download button is meant for personal use and accessibility purposes, not for folks to create shadow archives. 
> 
> Thanks.

The winter is long and cold but Ben, Tessa, and his teams are bright spots for Scott and it’s not like he’s not intimately acquainted with long ass winters. Rather, Tessa is a bright spot when he gets a chance to see her, which, after a month and a half of more than weekly meet-ups, seems to occur with diminished frequency. 

He catches glimpses of her at Nationals where she spends much of her time with the President of Skate Canada and reconnecting or making new connections with various coaches and skaters while her staff members man a booth up on the concourse where they have information about the different workshops they are running around the country. Scott enjoys watching her seamlessly slide from one role into the next depending on who she is conversation with. With the upper level brass at Skate Canada she is kind and professional, but a little more closed off. With coaches she is perhaps even more closed off, though he doubts any of them feel it, and her ability to not reveal any of herself while coaxing them to eat right out of her hand is even more skilled than it was in the past, and she’s been remarkably good at it for a decade. 

It’s with the skaters, particularly with the Novice and Junior females, that she blossoms. Her smiles are big and genuine, she gets in close and listens intently with the shy ones, and absorbs the energy of the hyper kids. She seems to instinctively know what level of physical affection and comfort to give and she leaves none of the numerous encounters with any of these skaters without having made that individual feel seen and acknowledged. 

She has a particularly animated conversation with Victoria and his novice skater Genevieve that goes on for a good ten minutes on day two that leaves both girls looking lighter and freer than he’s maybe ever seen them. He’s about to talk to Tess about it when he gets called away by both Carol Moir and Carol Lane reminding him that there’s a coaches meeting in ten minutes. The moment passes and they all move on to their next engagements. 

On the third day he catches a glimpse of Tessa and Alma huddled on a bench looking at something on Alma’s phone. He gets a little choked up when he watches Tessa rest her head on Alma’s shoulder as Alma rubs her back. Scott can’t remember the last time that Tessa allowed herself to be relaxed and comfortable with someone like that in public

He leaves her to her work and she leaves him to his for the most part, until Day 4 when they literally bump into each other at the official hotel. 

“You’re staying here?” he asks, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. Even when they were competing she rarely stayed at the host hotel. 

“Kind of regretting it,” she says with a tight smile. 

“Oh?” He’s genuinely unclear if she’s upset about running into him here or if something else is bothering her, but he can see from the way she’s squinting that she has a headache and knows that if he’s the issue he can make himself scarce. 

“I think I thought that I could fly a little more under the radar these days...” is the answer she gives. 

He feels for her but she’s crazy if she thinks she isn’t every bit as beloved now as she was 10 years ago. “You’ve gotten out of practice.”

“Little bit,” she agrees as she rolls her head around in an attempt to stretch out her neck. 

“Want me to give you a shoulder massage?” he asks. The tension is pouring off of her now that he’s close enough to see it. 

“Oh. No. I’m gonna take some meds and get to sleep,” she answers with a tight smile. 

He figured that would be her answer but something in how quick and dismissive she is about the offer makes his stomach roil. “Okay. Don’t let me keep you,” he says, softening his words with what he hopes is a compassionate smile. “Go get that sleep.”

“Thank you,” she replies. She takes a few steps away and then turns back to look at him, “Your team should be proud.” A smile slowly blossoms on her face and her eyes go bright and adds. “You should be, too.”

That’s the last interaction they have at Nationals since Scott heads home once the junior competitions are over so he can get back to his son. 

Tessa spends the next month after Canadians flying from province to province to set up mentorship programs in the major hub cities across Canada for girls in all disciplines of skating. The foundation is a small operation with only five employees for now, two of which are part time, but they have some high profile backers who are hoping to influence Skate Canada and Sport Canada policies and practices. He knows that, while, there has been some progress in how federations and the ISU treat mental health and body image in the sport in the six years since they left competition, it’s been too slow. Tessa, bless her, has had a hand in overseeing the business side of the foundation, but has also been integral in shaping the curriculum that the mentors will be working off of, and anytime she talks about the work they’re trying to do, the programs they’re already putting into place, he’s so fucking proud of her all over again. 

It’s not like Scott actually forgot how insanely brilliant she is in those years they spent mostly apart, but he had lost his constant awareness of it and doesn’t mind being reminded one bit. Now, when she gets back from her fifth long trip in the last two months and tells him all about the progress they’ve made (and the resistance that they still encounter from so many people throughout the sport), he’s reminded all over again just how smart and caring and passionate she is. When they were skating, she could vacillate between being extremely poised and confident, and wracked with almost crippling insecurity -- moments that only he and her mom were privy to -- but the last five years have helped solidify her confidence, particularly in the professional sphere. She’s extremely good at what she does and isn’t afraid to allow that competence to permeate every decision. She’s persuasive and downright wiley at times. It’s a very good look on her. 

What is hard is that while Tessa had become somewhat of a fixture in his house and life during December, their competing schedules in January and February make it tougher to meet up. Moreso, when they _do_ find time in their schedules once or twice every few weeks or so, she always makes sure that they meet away from either of their homes, usually at a cafe for lunch or dinner. She tends to beg off any opportunity to extend their time together, claiming exhaustion, which he can see is genuine, but there’s something else happening that he can’t quite grasp. He can feel her pull back into herself again, and finds as time passes, he sees more of her public veneer than the striking vulnerability that unnerved him so much in those weeks around Christmas. While that rawness in her was unsettling, he finds he craves it when he’s with her now. 

He keeps meaning to chase down the source of her change in demeanor, but with Ben going through a rough phase with his sleep, and Scott’s family needing him to take on a few more classes at ISC and put in more time at the shop, Scott only has enough time to give it a second’s thought before moving onto the next task or obligation. 

He attempts to gently call her on it once. They manage to find a gap of time that overlaps for both of them and grab some coffee and a quick breakfast at the diner with her favorite waffles. It’s a day she knows he doesn’t have Ben, which is something that’s starting to feel deliberate, though he can’t figure out what’s changed. 

“Talk to me, Virtch,” he says as they wait for their food to come. “The last few times I’ve seen you we only ever seem to talk about me. You’re pulling back; can you tell me why?” he tries to keep his judgment and feelings out of his tone but it’s hard. 

Tessa goes still and takes a long sip of her coffee before agreeing, “I am. You’re right.” She swallows again and gives him a pained smile before continuing, “This job I’m doing? Is harder than I expected. It’s already so much more emotionally taxing than I thought it’d be, especially so early in the game and I’m finding it very difficult to find balance. These girls? We’re asking them to be very vulnerable and I’ve felt pretty strongly for awhile that it’s going to require me to also be vulnerable to them. Selectively so, of course, but still.” 

She stops and looks down at her coffee. He decides to try and coax more out of her if he can. “You’ve always been good at having a public Tessa and a private Tessa. Why is it different now?” 

She scoffs a little and raises her eyebrows in acknowledgement. “You and I both know that there was no public vulnerability for most of our career. Not really. And then in Japan the part of me that showed any sadness or anger or frustration got dialed down to almost nil. There were moments with some of the skaters there where we’d make a real connection, but it was rare, and on the business side it was non-existent. I’d forgotten how openly emotional girls can be here at home. They feel their feelings so...loud and it’s great and it’s part of what we want for them, but I’m finding it very draining to be open enough so they can feel safe being truly vulnerable back. I’d forgotten what absorbing so much emotion was like.”

“Oh,” Scott replies. It makes perfect sense when she lays it out like that. “So when you’re home you just pull into turtle mode?” 

She laughs a little at the description but nods. “Exactly. Last fall there was a huge part of me that craved true companionship and openness, but now that I’m so exposed in my professional life, I find myself needing to be home on my own.”

“Okay,” Scott replies because he does get it. He hates it and it hurts a little that he’s being shifted back down her priority list, that Ben is, but when he sees just how weary she is, he can’t begrudge her. “But let me know when you find that balance again, yeah? Or if you ever just want to be around someone without talking or being _on_...I know that there was a time in our lives when I was able to be that for you, and I get why maybe that’s changed, but if…” he trails off and shrugs, unsure how the fuck to finish the thought he’s trying to get across. 

Tessa props her head up on her hand as she leans against the table and stares him down for a moment that seems to go on forever. In the end she gives him a small nod, just enough to let him know she’s heard him and is thinking about it, and then their time together is up and she has to run to make an appointment and he needs to pick up Ben. 

*

The next time he sees a Virtue it’s Kate rather than Tessa. 

“Fancy seeing you here,” he greets her right there in front of the butcher case. They hug quickly, mostly out of habit, and then Ben starts babbling from his place in the grocery cart and Kate’s attention is pulled to him. 

“Hello, Benjamin,” she croons at him. “You’ve already grown so much.” 

Ben hikes his shoulders up and looks at her a little askew, squeezing his eyes half shut in a cute attempt to shrug off the attention. 

“He’s going through a shy phase,” Scott explains. 

“They all do,” she assures him. 

“I have a hard time believing that Jane has ever had a shy moment in her short life,” Scott says, thinking about the little girl and her engaging nature. 

“With her it manifested as frowns and growls, and only lasted a month or so, but she still went through that transition of suddenly wanting to be able to choose when she was seen and engaged with and when she wasn’t. It’s rather remarkable to watch when you really think about it.” Kate keeps her eyes on Scott’s face, rather than on the baby’s and as soon as she goes quiet Ben starts to babble as he plays with the dragon on his lovey. When Scott and Kate turn to him then, Ben holds out the dragon and smiles at Kate as he presents it to her. 

“What a magnificent friend you have there, Benjamin,” she tells him. “You keep him close and I can only imagine he’ll keep you safe.”

“That was a gift from Tess,” Scott tells her. 

Kate gives him a long, searching look and then shakes her head and looks back at Ben but addresses Scott. “I’m serious about not wanting you to be a stranger, Scott. I have some time on my hands these days, so if you ever need someone to watch this little guy, or if you just want some tea, give me a call.”

Scott is pretty sure she’s never offered him such an open ended invitation and it’s a little unsettling, but assures her he’ll consider it as they hug goodbye. He can’t keep his eyes from watering when she presses a soft, motherly kiss to his cheek. 

*

Scott’s working at the shop on a quiet Thursday. He has a little extra time as his teams have dropped down to three days a week as they take a bit of a step back from skating to focus on their studies now that their seasons are over. Though he understands their decision, he’s frustrated his juniors have made this choice when they’re talented enough that if they were just willing to put in the work, they might be able to actually go far in the sport. Both Alma and Paul have reminded him numerous times that self-motivation is not something most teens have in spades, and it’s even more rare for the ones who are the self-motivated, ambitious kids to turn their eyes to being elite ice dancers instead of focusing on other things they excel at. Clubs all across Canada have teams with tons of potential and either not enough drive, or drive they chose to put into other interests. And this is okay. 

So, in light of having a little more time on his hands, Scott has agreed to spend more time at the shop so Paul and Carol can go on a real vacation. They’ve thanked him more times than they should have at this point, but he’s glad to see them so excited. He’s checking over skate guard inventory when he hears Ben start yelling at him from the office. Scott can’t help but smile. His son doesn’t sound upset, just demanding and maybe a little bored. 

“Hey Ben! Why are you yelling?” he calls through the door just as the front door of the shop opens. 

Ben yells back at him, a little less adamant, and Scott could swear it sounds like Ben answers him coherently. 

“Did he just say ‘I don’t know?’” Tessa asks, a little amazed. 

Scott laughs in response. “It’s so spooky when his babbling sounds like sentences. It happens more often than you’d think, though. He has no idea what he’s saying but he mimics remarkably well.”

“Are you sure he doesn’t know what he’s saying?” Tessa asks as she sets down her bag and leans up to give Scott a quick hug. 

He pulls her in a little tighter, not letting her go too quickly, and though she stiffens for a second and he almost immediately loosens his hold, she squeezes him back tightly after that brief pause. “I’m pretty sure he isn’t doing it all that intentionally,” Scott says. “He’s great, but he’s not a genius.”

They pull back from each other just as Ben starts babbling up a nonsensical storm from his pack-and-play and Scott knows he needs to change his post-nap diaper before more customers come in. 

He motions Tessa to follow him into the back as he plucks Ben up and scrunches his face at his son. “Pee-yew. You are a stinky, stinky boy.“

Ben gives him a cheesy grin and nods his head wildly. But stops and ducks down, burying his face in Scott’s throat. 

“Whoa buddy,” Scott says, sensing the change in his son. 

Ben peeks back up from Scott and looks over at Tessa, brow furrowed. Scott turns just in time to see Tessa smile at Ben, only for his son to duck back into his dad’s chest, hiding. It’s not a peek-a-boo hide, though Ben definitely goes in for that a lot these days. It’s shyness. It’s insecurity, and Scott watches as disappointment creep onto Tessa’s face. 

“He does this with almost everybody these days,” Scott reassures her. “It’s not just you.”

“I haven’t seen him in almost a month. It’s silly to think he’d remember me,” she murmurs. 

Scott doesn’t reply because she’s not exactly wrong. He doesn’t need to point out that the last time she did see Ben, his son slept through most of their time together, or that she begged off only a minute after Ben woke up. The look on her face tells him that she knows and remembers. Instead he shrugs and reaches into his backpack to get out the small changing pad, diapers and wipes. 

“I’ll meet you in the shop,” she tells him. “I haven’t been here in ages.”

“Okay. Give me a couple of minutes and I’ll be able to help with whatever you need,” he tells her with a tight smile. And then he turns his focus onto his son, who he lays down on the changing pad that he’s spread out on a bench which shoved up against the wall. “Oh lord, Ben! What have I been feeding you?” he asks, as his sense of smell is accosted. He keeps up a running commentary as he gets the diaper changed and wrapped in a plastic bag. For once Ben holds fairly still for him, which he’s grateful for. 

“Tess,” he calls out once he’s done. “I’m gonna throw this in the outside garbage. I’m leaving Ben in his pen.”

“Okay,” she replies, coming back to the doorway. If the smell bothers her she doesn’t show it.  
Scott heads out the back door, making sure the door stop is down so he can easily get back in and then he heads out to the dumpster. He stops by the bathroom on his way back into the office so he can wash his hands properly and then stops in the doorway when he sees Tess crouched by Ben’s pack-and-play, talking to him softly through the mesh. 

“Oh good. You still have your dragon. I hope he’s a good friend to you,” she murmurs. Ben holds the dragon lovey up to Tessa but then pulls it back and rests his cheek against the soft material. “He’s so soft, huh.”

Ben stares at her for a few more minutes before picking up a stuffed dinosaur that he likes to play with and showing it to Tessa, as well. 

“That’s Vlad,” Scott says. 

“The T-Rex is named Vlad?” Tessa asks, a little incredulous. 

“Yep,” he replies with a shrug. His niece named the dinosaur after one of her coaches. 

Ben becomes distracted by his other toys and once Scott can see he’ll be content to play on his own for a bit, he directs Tessa back out to the showroom and asks what’s brought her by. 

“I was hoping Paul could sharpen these puppies, but I forgot he was out this week,” she explains. “I can take them to the shop in London, since I should probably get them sharpened before I head to Kelowna on Sunday.”

“I got you covered, T,” Scott says with a fond shake of his head. He’s been a decent hand at sharpening skates for almost a decade, and gotten more skilled at it in the last few years. He might have had her wait for Paul or go to the shop in Kitchener if they were still competing, but he trusts himself to sharpen her blades well enough for the kind of skating she does these days. 

“Why am I not surprised you’ve perfected this skill as well,” she asks, as he pulls her skates from her bag. 

“Perfected? No. But I’ve gotten decent at it,” he tells her as he pulls off her soakers and looks at the blades. They absolutely need some work. He gives Tessa an incredulous look at the shape the blades are in and has to smile a little at the grimace she makes. 

“I don’t use them all that much these days,” she reminds him, justifying their sorry state. 

“That’s a good thing because these look to be lethal in all the worst ways,” he tells her, trying to keep the reproach out of his tone. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll get them fixed up for you. If any customers come in, let them know I’ll be right back. And if Ben freaks out, come grab me.”

Scott works methodically on the blades, taking his time and making sure to get them as cleaned up and sharp as he can. If she was skating any more regularly or intricately than she will be from here on forward, he’d probably insist on new blades altogether, but these can take a little more wear and tear before she truly needs to replace them. He checks the boots and is unsurprised to see they’re likely still the ones that she’d broken in just before they retired. They’re quality boots that should last her for a few more years with how gently she uses them these days.

He feels a little nostalgic look at them, if he’s honest. 

He misses her. 

He shakes his head and laughs at himself as he polishes off the blades and packs them away. Tessa is in the next room and he has no reason to miss her today. 

Now that he’s no longer using the sharpener, he can hear Ben making roaring noises as he plays with his dinos and cars, and his heart is cheered a little at the way Tessa’s voice mixes in with Ben’s chatter. He’s glad Ben has warmed back up to her and he hopes, for all their sakes, that Tessa won’t go as long before getting the chance to be around Ben again. 

Scott’s not dumb. He can tell that there is some aspect of interacting with his son that hurts her. Or maybe it’s more that she’s afraid of it than hurt by it. Either way it is confusing for him because, by the time Christmas had come, Tessa and Ben had been delighting each other on the regular and for the life of him; he can’t figure out what’s changed. 

He wants to ask, but just as he’s about to go in and hang out with them, a customer comes in looking for skates and the moment passes. 

* 

His doorbell rings about a week later, just as he and Ben sit down for dinner. Scott gives an exaggerated shrug as he stands and asks Ben “Who is it?” and Ben cocks his head and shrugs, mimicking his dad. 

He glances out the window and is a touch surprised to see Tessa outside his door. “Hey you,” he says as he opens the door. Her hair is wild around her face, the wind pulling at the strands that have fallen out of her ponytail. “You okay?” he asks.

He knows she’s not just by how she’s standing, her hands clenched in front of her and her lips tight. 

“You know how you said I could come over and just...be?” she asks, voice so quiet it almost gets carried away by the breeze. 

“Come in,” is his answer. He steps out of the doorway and to let her in. He wants nothing more than to hug her right now, but her body language is so guarded that he knows better than to touch her. As she slips off her shoes, but not her hoodie, he adds, “We were just about to eat. Let me make you a plate.”

“Oh. No,” she says as she freezes in the arch between the mudroom and the kitchen.

“You already ate?”

She just looks up at him and shakes her head.

“Then let me make you a plate. Go ahead and sit down and say hi to Ben.”

Ben and Tessa have actually seen each other one more time since the skate shop. They’d all gone to lunch at Kate’s house on Sunday and Kevin and his wife and Jane were there, too. Tessa had seemed happy and free then, so far from the slightly haunted look she’s wearing at the moment. 

Tessa drops a kiss on Ben’s head as she passes him on her way to the chair on the other side of him. He grins up and her and shows her his plate of sweet potatoes, which he currently loves. 

“Those look yummy, buddy,” she tells him, voice quieter than normal but more engaged than she’d been when she walked in. 

Scott comes back to the table with a plate of food for her and a glass of water. What conversation they do have while eating is mostly aimed at Ben, naming different items on the table, engaging him in eating a little more when he wants to be done with dinner too quickly. 

“I can get him cleaned up, if you want,” she tells Scott once both she and Ben are done (though she’s only eaten half of what he’s given her) and Scott still has most of his food left to eat. 

“If you want,” he replies. “He’s mostly past his super clingy phase, though I’ve been assured that this will only be a phase as well.”

“We’ll be right back, won’t we Ben?” she says as she unbuckles him and hefts the baby out of his highchair. 

Ben bounces in her arms and then pats her face, his hands still covered in the remnants of sweet potatoes. 

“Rookie mistake, Virtch,” he says on a laugh. “Always wipe the hands first.”

“I actually know better, too,” she admits. She doesn’t look too upset about the food on her face though she makes a game out of keeping Ben’s hands captured in the hand that isn’t holding him, pretending the whole way over to the sink that she’s gonna eat the mash off of his hands. Ben laughs and laughs at her antics.

Once she’s got him cleaned up, she takes him over to the penned in area of the living room, plops him down inside it, and then sits with him. The two of them dance to the beats that come out of the play center Tessa had given him for Christmas. She lets Ben crawl over her, and tickles him, and basically does everything she can to get his son to laugh until Scott has to, reluctantly, break it up so he can get Ben in his pjs and calm enough for his bedtime story. 

Tessa hangs out on his couch while he gets Ben situated, listens as they read _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_, and is still sitting on the couch, staring out into the pitch black night, when Scott returns from putting Ben down. 

“You want to talk about it?” he asks as he sits next to her on his couch. He gets just close enough that she can lean against him if that’s what she wants, but far enough away that it will have to be her decision. 

“Work’s been rough this week,” is all she offers. 

“Want to talk about that?”

“No. Just want to sit here for a bit,” she answers. 

He was planning on listening to some music edits for his teams and was going to watch over all of his junior teams’ programs to decide which direction they should head in for the free next season. 

It can wait. 

They sit there in silence for a few minutes, just staring into space, and then she slowly leans against him, settling her head against his shoulder and asks, “Can you tell me about your day?” 

So he does. Then he tells her about his plans for tonight and the next few nights and she insists that he do whatever he’d been planning to do before she came over. 

“I don’t want to keep you from doing what you need to do, Scott,” she tells him, but she doesn’t move away from his side. 

“You want to help me pick the music?”

“I’ll listen with you,” she agrees. “Not sure I’ll have an opinion.”

Scott’s just happy that she doesn’t want to leave right away for once, so he pulls his iPad off it’s charging station on the table behind his sofa, and together they listen to the crude music edits his team sent him. 

*

Tessa comes over like this a few more times in the next couple of weeks. She always texts first and he always says yes. She helps him with Ben and with dinner clean up, sometimes if she’s not too people’d out she’ll read to Ben. When Ben is awake there isn’t much quiet time happening, but something about spending time with his goofy, active boy seems to soothe her now rather than agitate her. When he watches them together, the way his son’s energy seems to find it’s match in her calm, Scott wonders if it’s a little like watching him and Tessa together when they were children. 

Once Ben goes to bed, she keeps surprising Scott when she stays and either helps him with his work, or sits with him as he watches a game or answers his emails. Occasionally she’ll do her own work, but usually these times seem to be her escape from her other obligations and work. She doesn’t talk much, which he knows is the point, but it is a little unnerving since Tessa has always been her most chatty just after the sun goes down. Scott is happy to be her quiet place, but misses being her sounding board. 

Scott wishes she’d share with him some of the burden he can see wearing at her, but he’s mostly so glad she’s willing to take comfort in his presence that he’ll let her keep her words for now, and hope that someday soon, perhaps when her work eases up a little, she will be able to tell him what makes her seek out solace by his side on those hard days. 

*

She’s been out of town for almost two weeks, but she comes to his house the morning after she gets back home. For once she seems tired, but enthused about the work she’s doing and he’s happy to let her tell him about the girls she met with and how enthusiastic the teams out in BC have been about implementing the foundation’s mentorship program. 

“The people in charge over there seem to want to really give the program a go. Almost all the other provincial leadership say they want it, but when we go, they clam up. It’s as if they’re terrified of what might get uncovered if the kids are empowered to speak up, which part of me understands, but the rest of me is horrified by,” she tells him with more life and effervescence than she’s had since before Nationals. 

Scott can’t help but smile at her, happy to see her this fervent when she’s been so subdued since they’ve been back in each other’s lives. He asks her questions, learning what the coaches and administration out in BC are doing that get this reaction from her, hoping to encourage it here in Ontario, where he knows she’s gotten a lot of flak and pushback. 

They’re sitting in his living room, the sunshine streaming in the windows, glancing off her hair and giving her a bit of a halo as she leans into the warm patches on the couch like she’s a happy cat, when he hears Ben start to move around and huff through the baby monitor. Tessa’s eyes light up when she hears it, but he’s been working on letting Ben have a little bit of time alone in his crib to wake up at his own pace, or to self-soothe and fall back asleep if he should be sleeping longer, which has been happening with increasing regularity. 

When he explains this to Tessa she nods with a slight pout, “I’m proud of you for being a good dad, but I’m also bummed that you have so much impulse control. I could use a dose of that happy baby right about now.”

He laughs and they sit back and wait for a minute. Ben seems to settle for a second, but then starts up with a whining whimper that turns into a stuttered, sleepy cry. When Scott looks at the video feed, he can see Ben rubbing his face against the sheets just before he pushes up into a seated position and grabs onto the crib bars as he starts sobbing. When he then pulls himself into a standing position, Tessa gasps, half in delight, half in commiseration with the miserable baby.

“When did he start doing that?” Tessa asks. 

“Earlier in the week,” Scott says as he stands. His son sounds genuinely distressed and he figures he should go rescue him. “I’ll be right back.” 

Ben is standing facing the door and shaking his body against the bars as he cries his little heart out. It’s so out of character for Ben that Scott’s concern ratchets up, so he heads straight to him and scoops him up. “Hey buddy,” he murmurs soothingly as he hugs his son to him and kisses his sweaty head. “What’s got you so upset? Shhhhh. You’re okay, Ben. Dada’s got you, buddy. You’re okay.”

Ben fights him more than usual as he tries to get him changed, so Scott takes a few moments to sit in the rocking chair by the crib and just hold his baby, rocking back and forth, talking to him all along, until he’s settled. Scott’s heart is breaking the entire damn time, but he figures out that Ben must be cutting a tooth when he starts chewing aggressively on his lovey. It takes a full twenty minutes for Ben to calm enough that Scott can get him some pain reliever and then changed out of his soaked diaper and pajamas and into the ridiculous black and red Adidas jogger set that Tessa had given him for Christmas. When he hefts Ben back up into his arms, his son is still hiccupping and immediately burrows his face into his dad’s chest while continuing to gnaw on the dragon and his other fist alternatively. 

Teething is the worst. 

When he walks back into the living room, Tessa raises her eyebrows at him in question, and he shrugs as he settles onto the couch with his son, just a few feet away from her. 

“I think he’s cutting a tooth.”

“Poor guy,” she says, all sympathy. “It sucks to be in pain.”

“Hopefully the Motrin will kick in soon.”

He figures Ben is going to be clinging to him the rest of the night, which he’s fine with, but he feels bad for Tessa since she’d obviously been excited about hanging out with Ben in his normal cheerful state when she’d come over. 

Scott and Ben settle onto the couch next to Tessa and Scott murmurs “Hey bud. Can you say hi to Tess?” in his son’s ear. 

“Hi, Ben,” Tessa says softly. “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day.”

As soon as he hears her voice, Ben turns toward her and reaches out a hand to her, while keeping his head on his dad’s chest. It’s the hand he’s been chewing on so it’s covered in drool, but Tessa doesn’t even hesitate to reach out and let him grab onto one of her fingers. 

They sit like this for a minute as Ben draws comfort from Scott’s arms but doesn’t let go of Tessa. Scott’s a little worried he’s gonna fall back asleep, and he knows he should try and get dinner together so they can actually eat at some point tonight, but he’s loathe to disrupt this quiet connection the three of them have in this moment. 

If Scott squints, he can almost pretend…

“Oh there’s your smile, Benjamin!” Tessa coos. She almost always talks to Ben in full sentences but the quality of her voice is so sweet and engaged that it strikes Scott right in the gut. “Did Dada help shake your bad dreams, buddy? He’s pretty good at that, isn’t he.”

Tessa pulls his drool covered fist to her lips and pretends like she’s gonna eat it, which has the desired effect of making Ben laugh and the resulting smile on her face is Scott’s favorite. Both adults are so distracted that they’re taken completely off guard when Ben throws himself sideways in an attempt to get out of Scott’s arms and into Tessa’s. 

“Whoa, little dude,” Scott says as he shifts to prevent his son from completely escaping. They’re on the couch, so even if Ben had managed it, the landing would have been soft but it’s so unexpected that Scott’s heart is in his throat as he rights Ben and pulls him back up so he can look him in the face. “Where do you think you’re going, baby boy?”

“Did he just…?” Tessa asks, not really believing it herself. 

“Let’s see,” Scott offers. He turns Ben so he’s facing Tessa and asks, “You wanna go to Tess? Is that what you wanted?” 

Ben bounces enthusiastically and reaches out both arms, lovey still dangling from one hand, toward Tessa. 

Tessa takes Ben easily, and the baby immediately puts his head on her shoulder and pats at her with both hands. Then he sits up straight in her arms, smiles cheekily at his dad, and settles again with a sigh, seemingly content as anything in Tessa’s hold. 

It’s not the first time Ben has been happy to go to someone who isn’t Scott, he’s gotten very fond of both Alma and Joe, but something about this feels different. With Scott, and then Ben’s grandparents there had been concerted efforts to form bonds between the baby and the adults. This time, it feels like Ben is choosing to declare, “This one here, she is my friend,” and Scott would be lying if he said that the thought didn’t delight him immensely while also really unnerving him.

*

April 10, 2024

Scott had never imagined himself as the kind of dad who would throw a big bash for his child’s first birthday, but he has a big family with lots of kids, and both of his brothers are in town with their families so the first big party he throws at his house is for his son’s first birthday. His mom is taking care of the cupcakes and Nicole and Leanne have helped him plan a few age appropriate games and activities. He’d thought about having a come and go all day sort of party, but all the parents in his life rolled their eyes and said, if he wants, his family will come over in the morning to help set up and they can have the day together, but the party itself should just be two hours max. Because little kids. 

Ben wakes early on his birthday, so used to having to rise well before the crack of dawn when Scott takes him to the sitter on his early mornings. He grins cheekily when Scott sings him the birthday song as his morning greeting and then babbles the whole time Scott is changing his diaper and Scott is almost convinced he says some intelligible words. 

Scott manages to sneak in a few minutes of snuggle time in the glider in Ben’s room, mostly because his wiggle worm of a kid seems to sense that he needs those minutes. He hasn’t been much for snuggling outside of nap and bedtime these days. 

“I wasn’t all that sure I was doing the right thing, ya know?” he asks the baby as they move back and forth. Ben is running his fingers over the screen printing on Scott’s t-shirt and nods his head in agreement, like he has any clue what his dad is saying. He knows there will come a time, soon, where Ben is going to question everything about his life and how he came to be Scott’s kid, but for now he just agrees that Scott is right. Unless he’s giving him green beans. Then he’s wrong and Ben lets him know it. “Yeah? You know? I think I made the right choice, too. I’m so lucky I get to be your dada, buddy. You are the best thing that ever freakin’ happened to me and I love you bunches,” Scott says, having adopted his nieces’ and nephews’ favorite way of telling people they love them. Scott drops a kiss on his son’s hair and fights to keep his tears at bay. 

He’s always been a sentimental jackass. 

Ben starts to play the game where he rests his head against Scott’s shoulder and makes whispery snore sounds, and then pops his head back up and laughs. He does it a few times and it’s enough for Scott to know that their quiet moment is over. He genuinely loves how much energy this kid has, even if there are times when it’s inconvenient. 

“Time for breakfast I think, yeah?” Scott asks. 

“Yat!” Ben says as he gives a wild nod and starts to make happy humming sounds that means he’s more than ready to eat. 

“First, gimme kisses?” Scott asks.

Ben nods in agreement and says, “Kssss,” before diving at his dad, mouth first and giving Scott the messiest kisses on his nose and cheek. Scott retaliates with some well placed raspberries to Ben’s neck and round, rosey cheeks, and is rewarded with a shower of giggles that makes Scott’s heart so fucking happy.

He sets Ben in his highchair and asks Alexa to turn on their morning jams, and Ben bounces his way through eating his whole grain pancake, some berries, and a few bites of Scott’s scrambled eggs. 

They’ve just finished cleaning up when there’s a cheerful knock at the door. 

Ben sits up straight where he’s playing with some mismatched tupperware, eyes wide and curious, and Scott asks him, “Who could it be? Do you know?” 

Ben throws his hands up in an approximation of a shrug, his lips pursed in a questioning O shape, and Scott has to drop a kiss on his son’s head as he plucks him up from the floor to go with him to see who is at the door. 

Scott can see from the window that it’s Alma and Joe on his front porch.

“Look buddy! Who’s that?” Scott asks as he points out the window. Ben just shouts out a greeting through the window and starts squealing. “Yeah,” Scott agrees. “It’s Gramma and Papa.”

Scott opens the door and Ben smiles and giggles when he sees his grandparents. He reaches out for them but both have their arms full of things for the party. 

“There’s my Benny!” Alma says as she comes steps inside. Scott places Ben on the floor so he can grab the bag of presents and the cupcake holder from his mom, kissing her on the cheek. 

As soon as her hands are free she reaches down to pull the baby into her arms. 

“Hello birthday boy,” she says as she rains kisses over Ben’s face. Ben returns the gesture and Alma laughs. “Thank you, sweet boy.” 

They all congregate in the kitchen as Joe and Scott put bags and other items down on the counters. His dad pulls him into a hug then.

“I’m proud of you, son,” his dad murmurs before letting go. “You’re raising a great boy.”

Scott has to swallow hard against the acknowledgement and pride. Ben’s first birthday means his son made it this far, with Scott as his parent and guide. Ben is happy and cheeky and active and learning and Scott is a huge part of why. It’s overwhelming. 

Scott helps Joe get the rest of the stuff down from the truck and the morning rushes by in a blur of activity. His brothers and their families come to help decorate and set up just after 11:00am and Tessa shows up around the same time with her own bag of presents. 

It’s a hectic day but everyone seems to have fun and Ben laughs and squeals his way through it with minimal tears or bouts of shyness. It’s mostly family but for the actual party Scott also invited some of his friends that have kids, some of his fellow coaches, and the families of the other kids Ben’s babysitter watches. It’s almost too many people, and there are a few times when he can tell Ben is overwhelmed, but he handles it like a champ. 

What’s also interesting is how every time he or Alma or Nicole or Joe go to set out more food, or clean up from various activities, Tessa is, nine times out of ten, already on it. She refilling the platters of extra food and pulling out more bags of chips when they notice that they’re running low. She’s in the kitchen setting out the cupcakes just as Alma goes in to get it ready and then she’s cleaning up the paper plates and decorations out on the back deck when they’ve moved inside because it’s gotten too windy. Any time anyone tries to take over, she just says some variation of, “Go spend time with Ben and the kids. I’ve got this. You just enjoy the day!”

Scott can tell that she’s being genuine in her desire to help and to leave everyone as free as can be to have fun on the day, and they do. So when the party has wound down and everyone is gone but his parents, brothers, and Tessa, he hands a sleepy Ben to Tess and asks her if she’ll read to him while he, Danny and Charlie load the folding chairs and tables into Charlie and Alma’s trucks so they can take them back to the arena. 

“You sure you don’t need me to help? Alma probably wants to read to him and I can help you guys load up,” Tessa asks, her arms already full of the snuggly baby. 

“He hasn’t gotten any time with you, Tess,” Alma says. “We had a fun time this morning before the party, didn’t we Benny.” 

Ben just smiles at his Gramma and nods against Tessa’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Tessa agrees. “If you’re sure.”

“Very sure,” Alma says, and then she pulls Tessa and Ben into a hug. “Don’t think I didn’t see how much you did today, Tessa Virtue. You were such a huge help.” 

Alma has always had a way of making Tessa feel simultaneous very grown up, and like a tiny child. This moment is no different. 

“I was glad to,” is all Scott hears her say in response. “Do you want to read the duck book?” Tessa asks Ben as she carries him over to the stack of books under the coffee table. He must answer in the affirmative because Tessa starts reading _Fuzzy Yellow Ducklings_ to Ben on the recliner as Scott heads out to help his brothers get everything stowed away. 

Ben must have been exhausted because Scott can’t have been gone more than ten minutes when he comes back inside to find Tessa settled back with Ben, the baby dead-to-the-world and limply resting in her arms. She’s staring down at him like he has all the answers in the world, or like he’s something precious that she shouldn’t look away from and the look on her face is such a complex mix of awe, joy, and intense sadness that he sucks in a sharp breath. 

She looks up at him, curious, the sound drawing her attention. The intensity disappears from her face. “The other kids tired him out, I think,” Tessa says as she runs a finger over Ben’s head and then presses a soft kiss against it. 

“He had fun, yeah?” Scott asks as he sags down onto the couch. The day hadn’t been a lot for just Ben. 

“A blast,” she confirms. “I don’t think he stopped giggling all day.”

Tessa’s right that it’s not hard at all to make his son laugh. Ben’s rambunctious, energetic cousins and other family members had the little boy in stitches more often than not, and his laughter had all the adults smiling hard enough for their cheeks to hurt by the time the day came to a close.

“In case I haven’t told you, I appreciate everything you did to help with the party,” he tells her with a sleepy smile.

“That’s probably the tenth thank you from you or one of your family members, but I don’t mind,” she answers, not taking her eyes off Ben’s face. “You all are easy to help, especially for this guy.”

Scott thinks again about how much time Tessa has been spending with them lately. How she’s always doing little things for Ben or for Scott, often before he’s noticed they need doing. How she gives so much of her free time to him and his baby. How good she is with Ben, too, which has honestly been a bit of a revelation. 

“Did you ever give more thought to having kids?” he asks. If Tessa has given a lot of her time and energy to their friendship and to being Ben’s...aunt? in the last few months, she hasn’t given much of _her_ to Scott. And he hasn’t really been able to dig deeper than surface level, mostly because he doesn’t have much bandwidth to focus on anything other than Ben and work and whatever Tessa or anyone else in his life places directly in front of him, but also because she’s not given much indication that she’s willing. 

At his question, the air in the room shifts, and he feels, more than hears, her hold her breath. 

His eyes snap open to see that she’s curled around Ben a bit. Her jaw is tight and she’s gone pale and he knew before he’d finished the question that it might hit her weird, but he didn’t expect a reaction this strong. She looks completely unmoored. 

“Yes.” The word is strangled in her mouth, breathless but clipped. Wrapped up in that answer is a plea, or even a command, to let the subject drop, so he does. There are a million questions on the tip of his tongue but even if she was open to them, he doesn’t have a clue which one to start with. 

The silence that follows starts off tense and awkward, but as it stretches out, they both slowly start to relax into it until it’s almost like the question had never been asked. 

It isn’t too long before she’s yawning and then standing to carry a sleeping Ben back to his room so he can spend the rest of the night in his crib. Scott watches her as she settles Ben on the mattress, and has to swallow down a whole mess of emotions when she kisses her fingertips and then touches them to the baby’s head before slipping past Scott and back into the rest of the house, leaving him to have his own moment with Ben. 

He looks down into the crib, at his baby boy laying so peaceful and quiet with his arm around his bunny and his legs stretched out as far as they can go, so different from how he slept even two months ago. He does the same gesture as Tess, one he does every night, and murmurs, “Happy Birthday, buddy.” This time tears do spring to his eyes but he manages to blink them away. “Dada loves you so much.”

Tessa is sitting on the bench by the front door, tugging on her boots when he makes his way out of Ben’s room. The day hits him again and he slides down onto the bench next to her and leans against her like they used to do after hard days at the rink. Tessa leans back and gently bonks the side of her head against his. 

“You have a one-year-old.” He can hear the tired smile in her voice. 

“I do. He’s one already. That blows my mind.”

“You’re doing such a good job,” she tells him as she leans into him just a little harder in emphasis and then pulls away so she can zip up her boots. 

“Trying to,” he says and he must not do a great job at keeping the terror and weight of the responsibility out of his voice because she turns to face him, puts her hand on his arm, and once he looks back at her cocks her head. 

“Succeeding. He’s a great kid,” she says with all sincerity. 

“Thanks.”

She nods and then exhales, rolls her shoulders, and stands, reaching to grab her jacket off the pegs behind them. There’s still something heavy about her, something he now realizes has probably been there for awhile but that he overlooked or ignored, or just plain didn’t see. It’s not just that she looks exhausted now that everyone’s gone. It’s something more. 

Scott hugs her tighter than usual when they say goodbye. She looks so tired that he almost asks her to stay in his guest room but can already tell she’ll refuse anyway. Instead he squeezes her an extra time, kisses her forehead and says, “You know I love you, right, Kiddo?”

She huffs out a laugh, “Yeah. You, too,” she whispers before pulling back. “Get some sleep.”

As Tessa reaches for the door Scott takes her hand one more time, tugging on it so she’ll look at him again. When she does, brows raised in question, Scott says, “I don’t know what that was earlier, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that…_gutted_. I need you to know that I saw, and that I care. A lot. You don’t ever need to tell me what put that look on your face, but when you are hurting I still want to know. And I’ll always want to try and make it better. In your own time and your own way, always, but I want to share that burden with you, T. Okay?”

Tessa’s whole body goes still as he tells her this, and when he’s done, he sees her swallow once before she breaks eye contact and nods quickly in understanding. “‘Kay,” she whispers back and then she slips out the door. 

*

After that moment, Scott does what he can to find time to spend with her, just the two of them, without the baby allowing for an easy distraction. He knows it’s time for him to start pushing a little more to get her to let him in. He isn’t interested in forcing her hand, knowing it would likely backfire spectacularly, but he’s starting to believe that she might be able to trust him soon, he just needs to show that he’s genuinely interested in knowing her again, both the good and the bad. It takes him two weeks, and it still isn’t ideal, but he figures that the night before he leaves for a coaching summit in Vancouver is about as good as he’s gonna get. 

He drops Ben off at his parents’ house at 4:00pm so that they can get him settled before they have to put him to bed. He’s tried to convince them that he could bring him later, but Alma is having none of it. She insists he come early enough that they get to enjoy their grandson for longer than a few minutes before he falls asleep. When Scott points out that they’re going to have three days with his son, he can feel his mom’s exasperation through the phone and relents. 

** _Alma and Joe have Ben for the night since I have that early flight tomorrow. I’m bored already. Save me? _ **

Text sent, he continues to sort out his bag and shoots an email to his teams reminding them of his coming absence as he waits for her response. It comes about twenty minutes later: 

_Missing him already? :(_

Followed by:

_Just got done with Maria. Need me to grab anything on my way out?_

** _I’m good, so just yourself. Gonna need you to sit on me so I don’t head to Ilderton._ **

He’s only partially joking. Being away from his son when he has something to focus on and is far away is one thing, but being away from his son, knowing that he’ll be away from him for three days, and he’s currently is only a twenty minute drive away is different. 

It’s only when he looks at it again that he realizes it sounds vaguely dirty so he tries to come up with something that won’t sound dirty to correct it and can only come up with: 

**I mean that in the least dirty way possible. I thought I’d correct it to needing you to hold me down...but that wasn’t any better.**

Tessa’s responds first with a single tear emoji which Scott snorts at and then a laughing/crying emoji and a wink. Scott shakes his head in amusement before heading into the kitchen to get the makings for grilled cheese sandwiches together. 

She shows up to his house thirty minutes later, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, still a little damp with sweat. When Tessa peels off her jacket and slips off her sneakers he can tell that she really has come straight from the gym since she’s still in her sports bra and tights and they’re both still a little sweaty. It’s been so long since he’s seen her in this mode and it hits him so strangely he has to swallow down a little surge of energy it sparks in him. It’s not lust exactly, though there’s absolutely some of that in there. It’s excitement, arousal, and the sense that something that’s been missing is settling into place…

And then he sees the way her brow is furrowed and he cocks his head in question. 

Tessa shakes her head and then does something she hasn’t done in a long, long time. She hugs him. Which, she’s hugged him a lot in the last six months, but here she _hugs_ him. The way she used to, with no reservation, no holding back. She sags into him and presses her face into his chest and Scott can’t help but hug her back, his hand coming up to cradle her head, fingers threading into her hair and doing what he can to massage away the tension he knows -- without really processing _how_ he knows -- she’s feeling there. 

“You okay, kiddo?” he asks. 

“Yeah,” she says as she nods against his chest, but doesn’t make any move to pull away. 

“You sure?” He doesn’t push her these days. Ever. Hell, he rarely pushed her back in the day either. But he’s starting to realize that while, yes, part of it is about respecting her boundaries, part of it is also him plain not putting in the effort to get past her outer shell. He’ll drop it if she demurs again, but he knows it’s beyond time to try and push through. To let her know that he sees something’s up. 

This time Tessa does pull back. He loosens his grip a little in response and she looks up at him, eyes searching his face and then says, “I’m fine, but maybe ask me again after dinner.”

“Okay,” he agrees as he presses another quick kiss to her temple and then lets her go. “Grilled cheese fine today? Figured I’d keep it simple. There’s some left-overs of the massaged kale salad you like in the fridge, too. The one with the dried cranberries and nuts.”

“I was hoping you’d still have some.” 

“How’d your session with Maria go? Now that you’re working regularly with her again.”

“It was horrific and great as usual.” They move around the kitchen together, Scott grilling the sandwiches as Tessa pulls out the salad and portions some out onto their plates. 

“And your legs? How are they treating you these days?” He looks up at her as he butters the bread and sets a pan on the stovetop to heat up. 

“They’re fine.” Tessa plucks a pecan and a cranberry and pops them in her mouth. 

“_Fine_ fine, or Tessa circa 2010 fine?”

“Eh? Tessa circa 2017 fine,” she replies with an eye roll. 

“That _is_ fine fine.”

“More or less, yeah.” The way she shrugs as she says this has him peering at her in curiosity. 

“Explain, please?”

Tessa audibly sighs and Scott starts seering the first side of the sandwiches. Once they’re settled and cooking, he turns toward her and leans back against the counter next to the stove and waits, head cocked. 

“Fine, as in there is sometimes an ache and I’m not too clear anymore if it’s real or not, but it’s there anytime I go harder than a brisk walk. It doesn’t hinder things because, now, instead of mitigating it with lots of physio and extra attention to how I move, I just rarely go as hard as I used to. My legs don’t feel great, but they do feel ‘fine’.” She looks over his left shoulder the whole time she’s explaining, not looking him in the eye. Scott thinks it’s because she’s putting serious thought into her answer, but suspects it’s also because she often seems to actively avoid eye contact with him since she’s been back in Canada. 

“And the rest of you?” 

“Hmm?” she asks as she focuses back on his face. 

“Is the rest of you fine, too?”

Her face visibly crumples for a fraction of a second and Scott is both glad he asked and devastated by how quickly it comes and goes. 

“Working on it,” she says but doesn’t elaborate, her face already settled back into neutral. 

Scott accepts the answer for the moment and turns back to the stove, sliding his spatula under one of the sandwiches to check for browning. The first side is perfect so he flips them both and then reaches to set the timer on the stove to one minute and thirty seconds. And then he turns back to Tessa and opens his arms again. 

She looks at him for a few beats, stares him straight in the face and swallows, and then steps into his arms allowing him to hug her again. He rests his cheek against her hair and runs his hands up and down her back in a soothing pattern. It takes maybe ten seconds longer than it would have in the past, but for the first time in so fucking long their breathing syncs up.

They get a few moments like that, each taking what comfort they need from the hug, only stopping when the timer goes off. Scott sighs, kisses her forehead, then steps back to check the sandwiches. They’re close to perfect, just a few more seconds and they’re done. 

They eat their dinner on the couch while watching a hockey game on low. Neither of them are invested in the teams playing and it’s a fairly boring game anyway so once they’ve finished their food and the plates are resting on the coffee table Scott asks, “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Tessa cocks her head and purses her lips as she thinks about his question. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

“My niece has her first so-called boyfriend.”

Not what he was expecting, and not what he was looking for but he figures he’ll let her have this one. “She can’t be older than what? Seven?”

“She’ll be 10 later this year,” Tessa answers as she takes a pull of her beer. 

“Holy shit,” Scott splutters. 

“Right? She’s still so tiny and I was not prepared at all,” Tessa says. “It’s sweet. She’s so sweet and kind and just...good and I’m so sad that she’s going to get her heart broken.” 

Scott turns to look at her a little more carefully before asking, “Did I ever apologize?”

Tessa’s head whips over to look at him carefully, brows furrowed. “About?”

“Back then. Did I ever tell you I was sorry for how I broke up with you as a kid?”

Tessa’s shoulders relax and her nose crinkles with her sweet smile. “You did. A few times, actually. I wasn’t even thinking about that when I was talking about Poppy.”

“I don’t know whether to be happy or put out by that,” Scott says as he rests his head back on the couch. 

“I mean, what little you did definitely stung little me,” Tessa admits. They’ve talked around this incident many times in the past, referenced it as a cute little anecdote in interviews, but by the time they were in therapy, there were so many other sins against each other to work through that ten-year-old Scott breaking up with eight-year-old Tessa over the phone hardly seemed worth touching on. It still barely does, but it’s under his skin now and he thinks she can tell when she shifts on the couch gaining a better view of his face as she rests her cheek against the cushions.

“I could have been kinder,” Scott says, his voice low and gravely, giving her more time to think it through. The hair around her face has dried curly and a little frizzy and he has to still his hand from moving a strand of it behind her ear. 

“Most ten-year-olds could be kinder,” Tessa agrees. “But I wasn’t in love with you then. I barely even had a crush on you at that point. Once we started skating together something that was already a little weird got even weirder and it’s good that we figured out at that age that continuing down that path was bad for our partnership.”

Even as she says it he can tell that she’s saying something rehearsed. 

“At eight, you were thinking about it that way?”

“Oh. No, no, you’re right. At eight I was just thinking about how mean boys could be but that I didn’t want to be seen as a cry baby. The next time we skated we didn’t talk much but that wasn’t different than normal at that point so I just kept going and then a few sessions later, you made a joke that I couldn’t help but laugh at and I thought maybe you weren’t so mean anymore. I probably shifted the blame onto your friends once I found out they convinced you to do it. In my head they forced you to make that call and then you were no longer the bad guy.” She waves her hand up in the air in a gesture of ambivalence. 

Scott is, once again, made aware of just how much work she’s done her whole life to rationalize and contextualize his behavior in a way that makes him less of an asshole. Sometimes her work was right on the nose, but sometimes she gave him way too much credit. 

“When did you start thinking that being my girlfriend would be weird?”

“Not so much weird as unhelpful,” Tessa clarifies. 

“Okay, then when did you start to think that being my girlfriend would be unhelpful?”

“Probably when we started going to skate with Paul and Suze but before we actually moved there.”

This Scott knows because they actually have discussed this in therapy. 

“Can I ask you another question? About when we were younger?” Scott asks. 

Tessa goes still and Scott can tell she already knows what he’s going to aks. “Maybe save that question for another time?” She offers. 

Interesting. 

“Okay. Then can I ask a question about when you were living in Japan?” He knows she may say no to this, too. In fact, if she’s feeling as fragile and tired as the crinkles around her eyes are indicating, he kind of hopes she says no, but he promised himself he was going to try and know her again, so he goes for it anyway, hoping she knows that at this stage in their lives what she does and does not share with him is totally up to her, and completely acceptable to him. He has zero room to complain on that front. 

“You can ask.” She gives that much, but he knows she’s stopping short of promising an answer. 

“If you could have done your job from Japan, at least partially, why did you come home?”

Tessa closes her eyes and presses her cheek a little bit further into the plush cushions on the back of the couch. Scott can’t help himself this time and reaches out to put his hand over hers where it’s resting on the cushion between them. She doesn’t respond for a few moments and he’s about to tell her to forget the question, but she opens her eyes and gives him a sad smile, and then she pulls her hand out from under his, only to cradle his from the top, so she’s holding onto him instead of the other way around. 

“When I was in town for the holidays, the year before last, I stayed in Canada through January and had surgery in Toronto.” Her voice is steady, if a little quiet. “Ty came for that part of my trip. Stayed with me and my mom while I recovered but I could feel him getting distant. I’d been having some health complications that were escalating in the last few years and the surgery helped resolve them, but like with most things, there are drawbacks as well as benefits. When we got back to Japan, we were both so busy once I’d healed and was back at work and we hardly saw each other and I was actually okay with that. It wasn’t terribly different from how our relationship had always been. He was sweet and kind but I could see that he was getting more and more distant.”

When Tessa stops and shrugs Scott knows that it’s all she’s willing to say for today. 

That he’s left with more questions than answers is a given. That he has some theories based on his knowledge of Tessa’s medical history and the sadness in her eyes, has him, possibly prematurely, gutted. But he’s grateful that she’s told him anything at all. 

He turns his hand under hers so that he can hold hers now, palm to palm and squeezes. 

“I’m sorry he didn’t end up being who you needed him to be,” he says. 

At this she smiles wistfully. “He was exactly who I needed for a long time. Not all people are built for long term relationships -- I often wonder if I am -- and I can’t blame him for changing his mind about what he wanted from life. I don’t think he was trying to be cruel. He just wanted to be happy. And a future with me wasn’t going to make him happy. And that meant a future with him wouldn’t make me happy.”

“Are you happy? Now that you’ve moved home and are settled in with the foundation?” _Now that we’re back in each others’ lives._

“Most days. As much as I’ve ever been, I think,” she answers with a nod and squeeze of his hand. “I miss my cat, though.”

She’s so sheepish about it that Scott can’t help but bark out a laugh. 

“You should get a dog, T,” Scott says. 

“I travel too much for a dog.”

She’s not wrong, but he can’t imagine there wouldn’t be plenty of people, including himself, who would be willing to dog sit. 

“I’d suggest you get another cat, but I know how attached you get to them and then how wrong it feels when you get another one.”

“It just feels like I’m trying to replace my cat with another cat but I don’t want any cat, I want _my_ cat. I’m just not ready yet.”

“Never change, Tess,” Scott blurts out. 

“I have to,” she answers and Scott suddenly feels like his rib cage is collapsing in on his lungs. “We all do,” she adds. 

“Yeah,” he agrees, but then adds, “We have to grow, but we don’t have to change what makes us who we are. You needing years between cats is part of who you are.”

“What if growth means shrinking it down to one year instead of a few?” she asks. 

“Then I’d probably spend too much money on cat toys and hope that Ben isn’t allergic.” 

“Wait. Oh no,” she says with a delighted look on her face. “I just pictured Ben with a dog and oh no...”

“Right?” Scott says, thinking maybe this will convince her. 

“How ‘bout you get a dog and I’ll get a cat...”

“I have a one-year-old. I do not need the responsibility of a dog,” Scott says. 

“And I have a job that has me away from home for whole weeks at a time,” Tessa reminds him. “We have to make sacrifices for the love of a cute animal sometimes.” 

“True.“

Tessa yawns then and Scott is reminded again of just how tired she seems. “Do you want to stay in the guest room tonight? The sheets are clean.”

“No. I’m very partial to my bed these days,” she declines as she sits up straighter and stretches out her neck. “But I should go before I don’t have any choice, and you should get some sleep before your flight.”

“If you’re sure, T. But the room’s always there if you need it.”

“Thank you,” she tells him before leaning over and kissing his cheek. Then she hops up from the couch and shakes her arms and head to clear herself of the sleepiness before picking up the plates and taking them to the sink. 

*

On his second day in Vancouver, while getting breakfast with Patch, Scott gets a picture text from Tessa that knocks the wind out of him. In it is a smiling Tessa with a tiny baby in her arms followed by: 

_Look who decided to join us finally! Meet Fiona Mae Virtue._

Tess’s smile is bright as anything but her eyes are red rimmed and still visibly teary. 

The first picture is followed by one of Jordan holding her baby while flanked by Kate and Tessa. All three women look just about as exhausted as he’s ever seen them, but completely enamored with the little one. 

“Everything okay?” Patch asks. 

Scott has to swallow down the frog in his throat when he answers, “That was Tess. Jordan had her baby.”

“That is a happy thing,” Patch says. “Unless...”

“No, it’s definitely happy,” Scott answers. “I don’t think anything’s wrong, at least she didn’t say so.”

“Good. Babies should be celebrated,” Patch points out. There’s no censure in his voice, but Scott feels it anyway. 

“Yeah,” Scott agrees. 

“Pass along my congratulations, then?” Patch asks. 

“Of course,” he replies. 

_ **Congrats, Auntie! She’s a beauty, just like all the Virtue ladies. Tell her mama she’s got this.** _

He doesn’t get a reply back right away and then it’s time for them to go in and learn more about the new pattern the ISU is introducing for the following season. 

When the session is over, he has a notification that Tessa responded with a heart to his message and then he doesn’t hear from her the rest of his time away. 

*

Ben has a hard go of it while Scott is in Vancouver and it kills him that he has to be away. Grandparents are great and Ben has the best, but Scott knows that it doesn’t take the place of having his parent there to comfort and care for him. He rarely has second thoughts about deciding to do this alone, but this is one of those times when he really, really wishes that Ben had a mama, along with his dada. 

When he picks Ben up from his parents’ house, the baby is crying and does the thing where he tries to fling himself out of Joe’s arms to get to his dad. Scott scoops him up and holds him close, soothing him as best he can. “Oh buddy. Shhh. Dada’s got you. Dada’s got you right here,” he murmurs. “You’re okay. Gramma and Papa had you, too, silly boy. You were fine, buddy, but I got you.” 

Ben, for his part, calms quickly, the full body, hiccuping sobs slowing to little whimpers and shuddering sighs. 

“See you’re okay Benny boy,” Joe says from where he stands next to them on the porch. “Your dad came back just like we said.”

Ben nods his head against Scott’s chest and confirms with a watery, “Dada” before tucking his head back down and crying again, repeating “Dada” a few more times. 

He’s said the syllables before many, many times over the last few months, but Scott has always tamped down the desire to identify it as his name. This time there’s no doubt. His son is calling him something specific and it’s a magical feeling. 

“Look at that,” Alma says with a teary smile from where she stands in the doorway. “All’s better now.” 

That night, he lets Ben keep hold of him as he falls asleep since the baby keeps breaking into little sobs every time Scott steps away from him. Once Ben finally falls asleep against his chest, Scott looks down and gives a soft, sad chuckle at Ben’s tear stained face. On a whim he snaps a selfie with an exaggerated frown, his son’s sad little sleeping face also captured, and texts it to Tessa: 

_ **Someone had a rough day waiting for me to come home** _

Her reply comes immediately: 

_My heart!!!_

And then

_Poor baby boy. Poor daddy. You doing okay?_

He sighs and answers: 

_ **Parenting is fucking rough sometimes, T. But he said my name and meant it so…** _

A few seconds later his phone buzzes and he sees that she’s calling him in response. He answers with a whispered, “Hey.”

“He called you Dada?”

She asks and he can hear how amazed she is. 

“Yeah. He was crying his heart out when he did it, but...”

“That’s amazing.” He can hear the emotion in her voice. He rubs his hand up and down Ben’s back in a sympathetic response. 

“It was. I think the next few days are going to be a little rough, though.”

“He’s one. It’s to be expected anyway.”

“That’s what my mom said,” Scott says and then adds, “But I can’t help but wonder if it’d be easier if he’d had a mom to stay home with while I traveled.” 

“It probably would be, but he has you, and it’s not like Alma and Joe are slouches. He’s a very loved little boy.”

“He is very loved,” Scott agrees, kissing his son’s head. “My mom pointed out that it’s a good sign. That him missing me that much means he sees me as his dad.”

“Of course he does, Scott,” Tessa says with a vehemence that gives him pause. “Of course he knows you’re his dad. You love that baby boy with everything you have in you. Everything. And he loves you back with everything in him. Of course he knows.”

He hears her sniff and he’s blown away. Her tone is so adamant and forceful, that he would have missed the tears in her voice if she hadn’t given it away. She never lets her emotions out like this. Not with him. Not in a long, long time and rarely then, even. 

Scott is so surprised by it that he doesn’t respond until Tessa sighs into the receiver and says, “You should get some sleep. Congratulations, Dada.”

“Thanks, T,” he murmurs. “You get some sleep, too. You have a big couple of weeks ahead of you.” Tessa has two weeks of travel to Montreal first, and then Winnipeg, to run some seminars on building and maintaining a strong sense of self as a girl in figure skating. They cover body image and healthy physical and mental habits, creating a competitive but kind atmosphere in the locker room, and drilling it into the girls’ heads that if they can report any abuse from either coaches, other parents, or other -- particularly older -- skaters and that someone, namely the foundation’s team, will have their backs. 

“Don’t remind me. It’s gonna be brutal,” she groans. He knows she loves the work but it’s exhausting to be vulnerable with so many of these girls. Most of them are too young now to have watched them when they were younger, so the adoration has a different quality to it than was there five years ago, but since youtube still exists and any skater who watches Tessa for half a second is in awe of her, these girls can get overwhelmed and a little overwhelming sometimes. 

“You got this,” he assures her. 

“I got this,” she agrees.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to C and A for everything. And to all of y'all for being so patient. I own several of you comment replies but I have to go to the Apple store to get a new phone and wanted to get this up before then. 
> 
> CONTENT WARNING // (SPOILERS)
> 
> ***
> 
> This chapter discusses sexual abuse of a child/minor (tertiary character) by a coach. It is not discussed in graphic detail but take care of yourself if this will be upsetting/trigger a trauma response and feel free to hit me up on tumblr or twitter if you'd like more information before diving in. 
> 
> Additionally:   
Infertility, body image, and medical issues are also touched on in this chapter. As above, if this is not something you want to read about, or it would be triggering or upsetting, take care of yourself first. 
> 
> /SPOILERS

At the beginning of May, Scott’s regular babysitter breaks her arm and her grown kids convince her to slow down and start a true retirement. Though he completely understands, it leaves Scott and two other families scrambling for early morning childcare. He’s lucky in that he has a lot of family to cover for him, but prep for the coming season has started again and all three of his teams have renewed their commitment to their sport so he’s meant to be spending every morning during the week in Kitchener. 

He’s able to get every day covered but Tuesday and is dithering on whether to cancel practice or try and take Ben with him (which would be a disaster. His kid can entertain himself for up to five minutes at a time during the day. Tops.) He’s leaning toward cancelling practice and laments this fact in a disgruntled text message to Tessa. 

His phone immediately lights up with a call from her, which he accepts. 

“What’s up, Virtch?” He asks. He’s tired and more than a little bit stressed. Normally he’d have no real issue cancelling the practice with two days advance notice, but he wants to encourage his teams’ renewed commitment, not disrupt it two weeks in. 

“I’m a little insulted you didn’t ask me if I could watch Ben,” she says, though he can hear the humor in her voice. 

“You have that conference in Montreal this weekend,” he reminds her. 

“I do, but it’s not until Thursday, so I can cover Tuesday.”

“I have to leave here at 5:15am, T,” he reminds her. “And you usually need those two days before a trip to prep.”

“One: Let me worry about my own schedule, but two: I don’t actually have to do any real prep for this trip because it’s the same talk we’ve been giving for the last month or so, and Em is doing most of the talking anyway. I’m just on logistics and those have been in place for weeks.”

“Okay, but let me bring him to you so that you can sleep a little more,” he concedes. 

“Fuck no. You’re not waking up the baby an extra 45 minutes early to bring him into town just so you can turn around and head back out to Kitchener. I know I used to be a bit of a princess about my sleep, but those days are long gone.”

Which means she isn’t sleeping much these days, something he’s pretty sure he already knew but hates anyway. 

“I don’t like putting you out, Tess,” he admits. 

“Scott. I adore that little buddy. And he doesn’t think I’m too bad. We’re going to be fine. Let me do this for you.”

“You know I wasn’t fishing, right. With that text? I was just ranting. I wasn’t trying to get you to rescue me.”

“Yes. I know. I’m rescuing you anyway,” she jokes. 

So that’s how it comes that Tessa is at his door at 5:00am on a Tuesday morning, two coffees in hand, looking way more bright-eyed and bushy tailed than he’s seen her at 5:00am, maybe ever. 

“Do you want me to wake him up first?” he asks, voice still rough and quiet with sleep. 

“It’s up to you. Whichever you think will be better for him.”

And then he hears Ben’s whispers coming through the monitor and realizes that Ben has decided for them. 

He quickly changes the baby’s diaper and then kisses him goodbye, glad that he’d chosen to put Ben in the white pajamas with black, stick-figure giraffes scattered on them that he’s pretty sure were a birthday present from Kate. Ben goes easily to Tessa and Scott’s throat closes up when they wave to him from the front door, a still sleepy Ben resting his head against Tessa’s shoulder as he lazily waves goodbye. 

He gets regular updates throughout the morning, including a picture of Ben eating french toast, and then one of her and Ben out back enjoying the sunshine after breakfast. 

Just before lunchtime she texts him: 

_Hey, my mom has Jane today. Thought maybe I could take him over to her house after nap for a play date. Let me know what you think._

_ **Sounds fine. I’ll let you know if I get off early. Maybe I can pick him up from there?** _

_Either is fine. I don’t mind driving him back to your house.___

_ _And then and hour later: _ _

_ _ _Managed to get the car seat secure but wow those things are tricky._ _ _

_ _She’s not wrong. _ _

_ _He enjoys getting these little tidbits from Tessa -- her constant delight at Ben’s antics fills him up and he finds himself smiling way more than his student’s abismal attempts at the new twizzle variation he has them working on would ever merrit._ _

_ _When his sessions are over and he shoots off a text letting her know he’s done for the day, Tessa replies with an invite to her mom’s for dinner. _ _

_ __Unless you’re tired and just want to go home. That’s fine, too. I can meet you there._, she assures him. _ _

_ _He’s happy to have dinner with half of the Virtue women and tells her so. _ _

_ _When he gets to Kate’s house he’s greeted warmly and is taken aback at how chatty and friendly Jane is. She’s such a happy, outgoing kid, who frequently returns to her Nana for hugs or snuggles before venturing out to play with Ben or show Scott a book, or give Tessa her own set of snuggles. _ _

_ _Dinner is delicious and the kids play well together, only getting into a tussle or two when one or the other doesn’t share. Scott helps clean up and then it’s time to gather a sleepy, but happy Ben to head home. _ _

_ _“Thank you for dinner, Kate,” he says as he gives her a quick hug. “Your lasagne was amazing as always.”_ _

_ _“My pleasure,” she replies, kissing his cheek. Then she drops a kiss on Ben’s cheek and says, “Tessa was telling me about your sitter woes. I can’t offer to do it regularly, I spend too much time in Toronto with Jordan and the baby for that, but don’t hesitate to ask if you need someone to watch this little guy from time to time. Even at 5:00am. I’m up well before then most days anyway.”_ _

_ _“I wouldn’t want to put you out like that, Kate,” he admits. _ _

_ _Kate just looks him dead in the eye and says, “You can and you will if you need to. You know I’d never offer if I didn’t mean it.”_ _

_ _He remembers, then, how good Kate has always been at showing empathy and compassion, without offering more than she is willing or able to give. It’s a gift she passed on to Tessa and Scott knows it means that when she does offer her time, she’s being sincere. _ _

_ _“I’ll keep you in mind,” is all he’ll commit to. _ _

_ _Tessa walks him and Ben out to the car, holding Ben while Scott expertly moves Ben’s car seat from Tessa’s vehicle back to his. _ _

_ _Tessa slips Ben into his car seat and kisses his cheek and receives a noisy, messy kiss back. _ _

_ _“Bye buddy,” she tells him. “I had so much fun with you!”_ _

_ _“He had fun with you, too,” Scott tells her when she straightens and closes Ben’s door. _ _

_ _“It seemed like it,” she agrees. “No meltdowns, only a little crying and frustration, and so much laughter. He’s a joy, Scott,” she adds and Scott is struck by how choked up she is. _ _

_ _“He adores you,” he tells her as he pulls her into a tight hug. _ _

_ _“It’s mutual,” she says, her words blowing across his throat and causing him to shiver. _ _

_ _“Thank you,” he tells her as he pulls back. _ _

_ _“Anytime.” _ _

_ _*_ _

_ _Per her request, Tessa’s birthday celebration is a lowkey shindig at her house with many of the same people attending who were at her Boxing Day party. When Scott lets himself in, the gathering is in full swing and Ben happily bounces on Scott’s arm to the music floating in from the kitchen. _ _

_ _Tessa and her oldest niece are already dancing in her kitchen, and Scott’s breath catches at how happy she looks -- how fucking gorgeous she looks, too. _ _

_ _She dances over to him and Ben and plucks the baby from his arms, choosing to dance around with him now. Scott twirls her niece a few times, smiling when she blushes a little, but mostly just watches as Jordan joins the fray with Fiona secure and content in Casey’s arms. _ _

_ _It’s a happy start to a celebration that stays joyous and mellow through dinner, and chocolate cake, and a raucous rendition of the Birthday Song that startles the tiniest baby. _ _

_ _Ben clings to Tessa, something he’s never really done before, but she doesn’t seem to mind, happy to carry him with her through much of the night, only giving him over to Scott when it’s time for the cake. Scott has the wherewithal to think, for about a second, that he should maybe worry about how attached his son is to his...what? Friend? Former partner? Maybe best friend? But he concludes that they’re happy. They’re all happy today and he can worry about it later. _ _

_ _He has an obnoxiously early day tomorrow so he and Ben have to leave before anyone else, but he motions for Tessa to follow him outside for a moment. _ _

_ _“Happy Birthday, Tess,” he tells her as he pulls her into a long hug. _ _

_ _And then he hands her her gift and shoos her back inside. _ _

_ _He’s crawling into bed that night when he gets a text from her that simply says: _ _

_ _ _Thank you. I love it._ _ _

_ _It wasn’t a huge gift, and it didn’t cost near as much as the gifts they exchanged at Christmas but he knew she’d love it anyway. Along with a card letting her know how happy he is that she’s back in his life, he gave her a framed picture he snapped at her Boxing Day party of her sitting on the floor, holding Ben and Jane, with the other kids listening as she told them a story. The other kids are engaged, but he managed to catch the exact moment that Ben and Jane are looking up at her, both completely mesmerized by whatever she’s telling them. He’s been a little worried that it would highlight whatever thread of melancholy seemed to permeate that day, but he hoped that the complexity would make her more likely, rather than less likely, to cherish the image. He’s glad he still knows her that well at least._ _

_ __**Glad you don’t hate it. ;)**_ he replies, hoping to keep things light. Then he adds:_ _

_ _ _ **Get some sleep, birthday girl.** _ _ _

_ _*_ _

_ _The summer descends quickly. Scott is back working full time at KWSC, but he’s decided that from here on out, his work with ISC will remain on a consulting basis rather than heading back as a regular coach. His life is marked by Ben hitting milestones and Tessa’s comings and goings as he steadily leans into the grind that is gearing up for a new season. _ _

_ _He’s finishing cleaning up after dinner, hoping to take Ben out on the back deck in a bit so he can play in the evening sunshine, when he hears a car door slam outside. He peeks out the window to see Tessa trudging up his steps and immediately opens the door and pulls her into a hug. _ _

_ _Tess was supposed to return days ago, but just as she was getting ready to leave a seminar in Saskatoon, something urgent held her back and she’s had to delay her return by three days. She’s been tight lipped about what exactly delayed her trip home, but Scott can guess based on just how drained and angry and sad she’s seemed anytime he’s talked to her since. _ _

_ _She doesn’t respond to the hug immediately, holding herself stiff in his arms, but Scott just holds on a little tighter and after a few seconds he feels her lean into him, her breath shaky as fuck against his clavical. She doesn’t cry, but he can feel the emotion coming off of her and hopes he’s able to absorb some of it the way she did for him all those years. They stand like that for a minute or so before they can hear Ben yelling from his penned in area and they have to pull apart to go check on him. _ _

_ _“Later,” she murmurs to him as they walk inside and she kicks off her sneakers at the door. “I just...later.”_ _

_ _“Yeah,” he agrees. “I’m glad you’re home. I think someone else will be, too,” he tells her with a wink. “Hey buddy! Look who came to see you!”_ _

_ _Ben is standing up against the gate portion of the indoor pen and he smiles big and as he points at Tess with one hand and chews on his other. _ _

_ _“Lookit you standing all on your own! What a big boy you are Benjamin,” she coos at him as she climbs over the fence and plops down a meter and a half away from the baby. _ _

_ _Scott had kept her up to date on Ben’s progress in standing on his own and his frequent attempts at walking where he takes one step and then plops down on his butt and laughs like he is the funniest thing. Scott slips into the pen and stands behind Ben offering him a finger so that Ben can use it to balance as he walks toward Tessa. Ben complies and takes a few tip toed steps toward her before trying to sit. _ _

_ _“Uh uh,” Scott admonishes as he lightly grasps Ben’s hand up high so that Ben doesn’t have the range to sit down. “You can walk, buddy. You’re right there.”_ _

_ _“Come ‘ere, Ben, I need a hug from my favorite boy,” Tessa encourages as she holds out her arms toward him. _ _

_ _Once again Ben takes a few steps toward Tessa, focused on her, and then a few more, and then he let’s go of Scott’s finger, and Scott lets him, and the baby takes the last four ambling steps to Tessa on his own. Tessa hugs him to her and showers his face with kisses as Ben giggles in response. Then it’s Scott’s turn to scoop his kid up out of her arms, tossing Ben in the air a few times until his son is laughing and squealing so hard that he starts to cough and Scott has to sit with him until he calms down a bit. _ _

_ _“I’m so proud of you, buddy. You did so good!”_ _

_ _Tessa manages to get some video of Ben walking to Scott a few times that night before dinner and Scott can’t help but be glad that whatever burden she’s been bearing has eased just a little for the moment. _ _

_ _They make it through dinner and Tessa gets to snuggle with a sleepy Ben before bed time, reading four different books to him before he conks out in her arms. She puts the baby down for the night, with Scott only going in to make sure everything is settled and to whisper goodnight. When he comes out, Tessa is sitting curled up on the couch with her head on her knees. _ _

_ _“You don’t have to tell me, but I’ll listen if you choose to,” he says as he sits close to her, holding onto one of her calves and squeezing it gently._ _

_ _She takes a beat and then she tells him about how, just as she was about to leave her last seminar in Saskatoon, she was approached by a girl who slipped her a note and then kept walking. The note simply said: _I’m scared. Please help._ It had taken Tessa almost an hour to track down the girl, who was sitting outside on a low wall, shaking like a leaf. _ _

_ _“You could see how terrified she was, and I just kept thinking that I hoped I didn’t fuck up her life further.”_ _

_ _“Did she tell you what happened?”_ _

_ _“Her coach has been touching her, and when she asked him to stop, told him she wouldn’t tell anyone if he stopped, he started being awful to her in practice. Others witnessed the verbal abuse -- adults saw it -- and didn’t step in.”_ _

_ _“But you guys will. You’ve heard her, you believe her, and you’re stepping in,” he assures her. The whole point of starting the foundation was for situations like this, but this is where the rubber meets the road. The role that Tessa and the other experts of the foundation primarily play is about encouraging transparency, and being high profile enough to keep this shit from getting swept under the rug -- the seminars and workshops and speeches are huge and will hopefully have an impact on how skaters interact with themselves and with those around them, but the big, pie in the sky goal, is to eliminate abusive coaches, parents, and skaters, from having access by giving the victims the confidence and ability to use their voice. _ _

_ _“I hope so,” she says as she looks up at him, her chin resting on her knees. “I knew it was going to be hard. It’s ridiculous that it’s taken me so off guard.”_ _

_ _“You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, Tess,” he tells her. “Maybe not out there with the skaters and the coaches and Skate Canada watching, you would never. But here? In my house, sitting with me on this couch, you get to feel whatever you need to feel, and then you get to go out there and kick that dude’s ass. Figuratively speaking at least. Though, if you want to go physically kick his ass, I’m with you. We’ll never work in skating again, but it might just be worth it,” he says. _ _

_ _It coaxes a small smile out of her. _ _

_ _“And the Safe Sport people, are they taking it seriously?“ He knows that, even though abuse from coaches is within Safe Sport’s purview, they haven’t been the most effective on that front as anyone had hoped. _ _

_ _“It took a bit, but they’re on board now,” she says with a sigh. “Once there were adults who could corroborate some of her story...” she trails off because he knows what that means. “They mostly seemed miffed that we were involved.” What she means, he thinks, is that they were miffed that Tessa was involved and they’d have to go by the book because someone high profile is watching. _ _

_ _“You knew what it would take, T, and you made it happen. I’m so proud of you.”_ _

_ _“There’s still so much to do and I’m already so tired,” Tessa admits. _ _

_ _“Stay here tonight,” he offers. “I know you’re ‘fond of your bed’ and all, but if you want the company, stay tonight. Let me take care of you for once so you can take care of those girls.”_ _

_ _Tessa looks up at him for a few beats, her eyes darting between his face and the door, only to shrug and lay her head against the couch cushions in surrender. “Can you stay up with me for a bit? My mind is still going too fast to sleep yet.”_ _

_ _He’s so shocked she’s willing to ask that even if he has to stay up all night with her and go through tomorrow’s practice feeling like a zombie, he’s willing. “Yeah. C’mere.” He tugs on her hand and pulls her to him. Once she’s comfy and settled, he wraps his arms around her. _ _

_ _They stay like that in silence for a long time, long enough that Scott is almost certain she’s fallen asleep, when she startles him. _ _

_ _“Thank you,” she says, her voice louder than expected in the quiet room._ _

_ _“Hmm?”_ _

_ _“For sharing Ben’s first steps with me. Letting me be a part of that. It made a shitty day a lot better. You probably could have held off on pushing him till you were with your mom and dad, or...anyone really.”_ _

_ _“He was stoked to get to you, T. That was all him,” he says, unsure why he isn’t admitting that he had maybe held off on pushing Ben while Tessa was gone, and then was extremely hopeful that he would choose today to take those steps. If it hadn’t worked, it wouldn’t have been a huge deal, Tessa still would have been able to have the distraction of Ben trying to walk, but Scott is very glad that she got to be here for that moment. _ _

_ _Tessa cranes her head so she can look at him with skepticism. Scott shrugs in response and winks at her, which has her rolling her eyes and turning away. They settle into silence again and then Scott can’t suppress three huge yawns in short order, so Tessa rolls away from him and he leads her to the guest room, which has a half bath attached, and then quickly shows her where she can find the necessities in the hall bathroom. He has it stocked with toiletries, though he knows she likely has her own set in her go bag, but he points out where the towels and face cloths are, and even shows her that her preferred make-up remover is in the cabinet under the sink. The look she gives him at that makes him shrug and shrink back a bit. Maybe it’s a little weird but the more she comes all the way out to the boonies to hang out with him and Ben, the more he recognizes just how far he lives and he doesn’t want a lack of something so simple to be what keeps her from staying if staying makes the most sense. _ _

_ _That’s how he justifies it to himself anyway. _ _

_ _“That should be everything, but I’m just down the hall if you need anything. Anything.”_ _

_ _Tessa nods and then hugs him, kisses his cheek, murmurs, “Thank you,” and then ducks into the guest room, shutting the door softly behind her. Scott stands in the hallway, staring at the door for a few moments, before heading to his own bed. _ _

_ _His sleep is fitful, and he welcomes the distraction when Ben wakes up at 6am, chattering away to the few stuffed animals Scott let’s him keep in his crib. Since the baby isn’t upset, Scott leaves him be for a bit, as much as he’d love to truly allow Ben and his happy morning smiles to distract him, and heads into the kitchen to make some coffee and sort out breakfast. _ _

_ _He pours some water from the tap into his cup and then dumps that water into the electric kettle, measuring out the appropriate amount of coffee into a metal pour over filter and pulling the cream out of the fridge. He spots a bag of lemons he’d bought a couple of weeks ago for a meal he never ended up making in the crisper, so he takes one out, squeezing it to see if it’s still good. It seems fine so he puts it on the counter next to a mug he takes down from the cabinet. He honestly has no idea if Tessa still drinks hot lemon water before her coffee or not, but at least now she has the choice. _ _

_ _Once the kettle has boiled he pours the hot water over the coffee, and then goes to get Ben ready for the morning while the coffee filters through. _ _

_ _Ben is sitting up in his crib, holding his dragon lovey a few inches from his face and whisper roaring at it. It’s the cutest fucking thing and Scott watches from the doorway as Ben and the dragon and his stuffed dino softly roar over and over._ _

_ _“Whatchya doin’, buddy?” Scott asks after a few moments of creepin’ in the doorway. _ _

_ _Ben sits up straight and peeks up at Scott, “Dada!”_ _

_ _Scott gets Ben changed, narrating what he’s doing the whole time. He also quizzes Ben on his animal noises, getting a correct response for cow, monkey, dog, and dinosaur, but no response for a cat or sheep. Ben correctly points out his nose and tummy when prompted, but not his feet. All in all, not bad for an almost 14-month-old. _ _

_ _Scott sets Ben in his highchair and pours some Cheerios onto the tray to occupy him while he scrambles up some eggs and makes toast. Ben keeps up a running commentary that Scott responds to when he has a clue what’s being said. Occasionally Scott will interrupt him and ask him what a sheep says. Ben laughs every time he stops to think about it, and then shrugs instead, prompting his dad to baaa at him, which Ben finds hilarious. He’s able to get some food into Ben between the quizzing and the laughter, which is more than can be said for some mornings._ _

_ _He’s just about to free Ben from his highchair when the guest bedroom door opens and a sleepy Tessa steps out. Her hair is pulled back in a half pony and she’s wearing a grey hoodie over her sleep shorts, which are pink and have donuts on them. _ _

_ _“Sorry we woke you,” Scott offers. “I probably should have thought of that before offering you the bed.”_ _

_ _“Waking up to baby laughter is the best way to wake up before 7:30am. I didn’t know what I’d been missing,” she says, voice still heavy with sleep. _ _

_ _Scott watches for a second as she trudges over to Ben and kisses his head. Ben looks up at her with his signature cheeky smile, and offers her one of the last Cheerios, which is stuck to his finger. _ _

_ _“For me?” Tessa asks._ _

_ _Ben nods enthusiastically and thrusts his finger up at her._ _

_ _“Oh thank you, Benjamin,” she says as she plucks it from his finger and pops it in her mouth. “It’s delicious! You’re such a good sharer!”_ _

_ _Scott watches, a little surprised still with how little she cares about baby slobber. “Eggs,” he blurts out. “Do you want me to make you some eggs?”_ _

_ _“I can do it,” she offers. _ _

_ _“I got it. Are scrambled fine or do you want me to get out the bigger pan for poaching?”_ _

_ _“Scrambled works,” she assures him. “Can I use one of those lemons?” she asks, pointing at the bag on the counter. _ _

_ _“Go for it. The kettle is ready, too,” _ _

_ _They work quietly together for a bit, and before long she’s settled at the table with her breakfast and lemon water, eating two bites of her eggs for every one that she convinces Ben to eat. _ _

_ _“Hey buddy, can you tell Tessa what a dog says?” _ _

_ _“Arf arf,” Ben replies automatically. _ _

_ _“Show her where your head is.”_ _

_ _Ben touches his forehead without looking away from his food. _ _

_ _“Where’s your nose?” _ _

_ _Ben grabs at his nose and repeats, “Nose,” with a little nod. _ _

_ _“Good job, buddy!” Tessa exclaims! “Aren’t you so smart!” Then she turns to Scott, “I leave for two weeks and he knows where his nose is?!”_ _

_ _Ben points to his nose again before eating another bite of toast. _ _

_ _“The last week it’s like suddenly half the stuff we’ve been working with him on has clicked. It’s been mind blowing.”_ _

_ _They spend another ten lazy minutes around the breakfast table before Ben gets restless and starts bucking in his high chair, trying to get out. _ _

_ _Scott reprimands him with a gentle voice, but releases him and sets him in his play area. He notes that Tessa watches them the whole time with a perplexing look on her face, but then what else is new. It feels like everything about her confuses him these days. _ _

_ _“Do you have to get back home and buckle down on work, or do you want to go to the park with us?” Scott asks. She doesn’t seem like she’s in much of a hurry to leave. _ _

_ _“I could probably go with you,” she says. “Home seems like a lot right now.” The way she says it, quiet and stark, is almost like it’s a confession. _ _

_ _“Park it is. Do we need to swing by your place first?”_ _

_ _“No. I have my stuff with me. Give me twenty minutes?” She rinses her dishes quickly and loads them into the dishwasher that he’s only just started using for things other than sanitizing bottles now that he regularly has someone eating with him. At least when she’s in town._ _

_ _At the park they work more with Ben on walking, taking every opportunity to get him to walk to either Scott or Tessa and celebrating with cheers and big hugs. They take turns swinging with him, and helping him go down the slide, and as the hour passes, Scott can see more and more of the tension in Tessa’s shoulders ease. _ _

_ _He also finds himself thinking about how fucking gorgeous she is out here in the sunshine. Her freckles are standing out against the bridge of her nose and scattered across her shoulders and her eyes are bright and glittering when she laughs and…_ _

_ _He shuts down those thoughts quickly because this is Tess and of course she’s beautiful, she’s always been beautiful and that hasn’t changed at all. Nothing fundamental has changed for them, really, so she can be gorgeous, but he doesn’t get to be attracted to her. Not like that. _ _

_ _“What’s up?” she asks, startling him out of his thoughts. _ _

_ _Ben is in her arms, with his head on her shoulder and Scott realizes it’s probably time to get him down for his morning nap. _ _

_ _“Nothin’,” he says with his best attempt at a breezy smile. “It’s a nice day.”_ _

_ _Tessa raises her eyebrows at him, obviously skeptical, but she lets it pass. “This guy seems ready to head home? I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t pass out on the ride home.”_ _

_ _“Oh for sure. He’s had way too much fun showing off for you today. He’ll be out before we hit the end of the block.”_ _

_ _Ben does fall asleep on the drive back out to Scott’s house and Scott almost fist pumps when he successfully gets him out of the carseat and into his crib without waking him. It’s not always a sure thing these days. _ _

_ _He finds Tessa on the couch, laptop resting on her knees, biting her lip as she reads whatever is on the screen. _ _

_ _Scott sinks down onto the cushions and waits for her to finish up. He’s a little surprised that she didn’t pack up to head home, but he sure as shit doesn’t want her to leave if she doesn’t want to. _ _

_ _“I just scheduled a call with the heads of Skate Saskatchewan and Safe Sport. The coach emailed me, essentially threatening me if I don’t back off.” She bites her thumb nervously as her eyes dart up to his. It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask to read the email, but he knows it’d be a conflict of interest for her. She can’t tell him who it is until it goes public. She looks so tired, and a little scared, though, so he pulls her against his side and kisses her hair in an attempt to give comfort. _ _

_ _“They’re going to the police about all of this, right?” He asks, if only to keep from asking the question he actually wants to know the answer to. In the past, situations like this have been bungled horrifically when federations felt like they could handle it without getting the law involved. _ _

_ _“She doesn’t want to, but if he’s taken to threatening me...”_ _

_ _“Is she somewhere safe?” he asks, heart aching for the girl. This could all go perfectly well and no matter what, that girl will be left with so much trauma to contend with. And it’s already not going perfectly well. _ _

_ _“They say she is,” Tessa answers. It’s been an exhausting week for her and there’s no relief in sight, really. _ _

_ _“Talk to the legal council for the foundation before talking more to anyone else. Find out what you can do to nail the guy, at the very least for what he’s doing to you,” he tells her. _ _

_ _“I should head home to take care of all of this,” she murmurs against his chest. _ _

_ _“If you need to go home to do that, by all means, but don’t leave on my account. That room is yours to use if you need privacy...” She’s been reluctant to be alone all day and nothing about her demeanor is indicating she’s anymore ready to go home now than she was last night. _ _

_ _“I’d likely have to hole up in there.”_ _

_ _“Then hole up. But if you’re going to need someone,” he stops short of saying, _if you’re going to need me_, “After those calls, you should stay. Or, at least go to Kate’s.”_ _

_ _Tessa looks at him, searching, once again, for answers in his face that he only hopes he has. Once again she must find what she needs because she exhales in an audible whoosh, and then sits back against the couch. “I don’t want to leave.”_ _

_ _So she doesn’t leave until the next day when she has to head home to pack before a quick meeting with her lawyer before heading back to Skate Saskatchewan headquarters. It turns out there was enough written evidence from emails the asshole had sent the girl and two other skaters, in addition to Tessa, to arrest him. It hits the news almost immediately. _ _

_ _It isn’t a high profile coach, but Scott has met him a few times at different events. He seemed like a nice guy..._ _

_ _Tessa is gone a lot in June, but everytime she comes home, her first night back is spent in his living room, loving on Ben, eating with Scott, and sleeping in the guest room. _ _

_ _After the third time she comes to his home after a few days away, this time in Halifax, he tells her, jokingly, “I’m starting to think you must have ghosts in your house.”_ _

_ _She barks out a laugh and then shakes her head. “The only ghost at my house is me.”_ _

_ _It’s such a short sentence but the laughter in the beginning is gone by the last word and the air is sucked from the room with the raw honesty he hears in her voice. _ _

_ _“What does that mean?”_ _

_ _“Yeah that sounded morbid as fuck, didn’t it,” she says in response. _ _

_ _He looks at her with his serious face and doesn’t let her wiggle out of the question. “Tess.”_ _

_ _“I don’t feel like I’m at home there,” is what she tells him. _ _

_ _“But you feel at home here?”_ _

_ _“Yeah. I do.” She doesn’t look at him when she answers. She had avoided his gaze for much of the first few months that she moved back but she hasn’t been doing it near as much lately. So he takes a chance and gently hooks his fingers under her chin and guides her face up so he can look at her. _ _

_ _What he sees is that she’s telling the truth, and that blows him away. It shouldn’t actually surprise him given how comfortable she’s gotten in his home and with him and even more so with Ben, but it still blows him away. _ _

_ _“I’m glad.”_ _

_ _And then she throws him again. “It scares me a little,” she says. _ _

_ _“Why? It’s just me. And Ben.”_ _

_ _After a few minutes of quiet she simply says, “I’m working on it. The why.”_ _

_ _“Okay. You’ll let me know?”_ _

_ _She nods, and then they hear Ben cry out from his crib through the monitor and life moves on. _ _

_ _*  
At the end of June, Tessa has a series of meetings with Skate Canada and Skate Ontario in the Toronto area and decides to forgo getting a hotel room, something that the Tessa from their competitive days would never do, and makes Jordan and Fiona’s house in Dundas West her homebase for the week. _ _

_ _Scott gets a series of adorable photos and videos of Tessa and Fiona, or Fiona on her own all of which make him smile. While it’s obvious she’s happy to spend the time with her sister and niece, there are moments, usually when they’re talking on the phone as they catch each other up on their days, where she sounds just a touch detached when she talks about Fiona. Like sometimes she’s reciting facts about the baby, things that would normally make her laugh or smile, but rather than hearing the delight or even the exhaustion in her voice in those moments, he hears a lack of connection. _ _

_ _When Tessa’s finally back at his house the next week, after Ben has been bathed (and gotten water all over the master bathroom floor) and put to bed, she shows him more pictures of Fiona smiling her gummy drool-filled smile after Tessa gave her a warm bath earlier in the week. I’s then that Scott realizes that what he had read over the phone as an absence of something was actually a remarkably mournful ache. _ _

_ _“Holy shit. She looks so much like Jordan,” he says, amazed at how much the baby’s face has changed and started to look like an actual human in the last two months. “She looks like you, too.”_ _

_ _“Yeah,” Tessa replies. “She does.” _ _

_ _There’s something so sad and broken in the way she says that. _ _

_ _“You sound sad about that, Kiddo.” He offers his observation, not knowing how to ask for more; just hoping against hope that she’ll finally give it. It’s obvious she loves her nieces so much, but with both Jane and Fiona, her joy and love and excitement when talking about them is always so tinged with melancholy and it’s killing him that she hasn’t felt comfortable telling him why up to now. He isn’t stupid; he understands why she hasn’t trusted him with this, why she’s been reluctant to give him anything extra, but fuck he wants it, if only so he can offer comfort. _ _

_ _“Yeah,” she agrees, resting her head against the couch cushions and staring up at the ceiling. _ _

_ _“You ever gonna tell me why?”_ _

_ _“There is a lot to tell,” she says, still not looking at him. _ _

_ _“I’m not going anywhere, Kiddo.”_ _

_ _At this she does turn to him, reaches out her hand and squeezes his shoulder and says, “I don’t want to make you sad.” _ _

_ _“If your truth makes me sad, we’ll work through it,” he encourages her. _ _

_ _Where she starts isn’t where he expects. _ _

_ _“Do you remember how I had surgery in 2015?”_ _

_ _“To help with the pain you’d been having during that time of the month?” he asks to clarify. _ _

_ _“Yeah,” she says. “Although I was in pain pretty much all the time, it was just worse when I had my period. Do you remember a conversation we had a few weeks after the surgery? You’d come over to mine to watch a movie and keep me company since I was still healing and my mom was out of town. We rarely ever just hung out back then, especially that year. You made me dinner and got into the wine and we were talking about our plans, punting around ideas for the comeback. You were a little drunk and started talking about having kids soon?”_ _

_ _He shrugs because there isn’t really all that much about that time that he remembers. He wasn’t quite as perpetually sauced in 2015 as he was for the back half of 2014 but he was still drinking a lot. He had a lot of hopeful dreams then, things he wanted for his future, but the urge to go back to competition, to be skating with Tessa full time again, was starting to build and build and by July of 2015, getting back to competition was his primary goal. All thoughts of starting a family having receded into the background. _ _

_ _“After Sochi a lot of people started asking when I was going to settle down, didn’t I want to have kids soon, and I was so pissed off because it wasn’t any of their business and I was so sick of the question, especially since I was fairly sure I _couldn’t_ have biological children. You called out the bullshit, because you never got asked that question, and you went on a tipsy rant for like five minutes about sexism and people minding their own business.” She pauses and swallows so he takes her hand, squeezing it lightly in encouragement. “You got distracted from that particular rant because you _did_ want kids. You sort of went on for another five minutes about how much you loved being able to see the Moir genes in your nieces and that you couldn’t wait to see it in your own kids. You got very, very stoked about the idea of having a daughter with your nose and eyes, but maybe their mom’s smile. You really liked Kaitlyn’s smile…” She sounds so wistful that he can’t help but reach out and cup her cheek, doing what he can to ground her in the here and now. He is still a bit confused about where she’s going with all of this, even as his gut churns as he starts to put the pieces together. _ _

_ _The way she looks back at him, as if she’s searching his face, trying to decide what to say next has him holding his breath. She still manages to throw him for a loop when she starts speaking again. _ _

_ _“There was a moment, you know? A few years after that, where I almost let myself fall in love with you. We were working on the music for our free dance for that final Olympic season, and the last year and a half you’d been so attentive and so caring - you got even better at knowing when I needed space and when I needed to hold onto you. For the first time you truly were my best friend and I was pretty sure I was yours. I’d been thinking _’What if_, that whole day, through practice and physio and we had a late session at the rink and you kept singing to me, and it felt different. I let it feel different. And then we were getting ready to leave and you were crouched down next to Billie who was telling you some wild story; you were just completely enraptured by her and she was eating up the attention, too. Patch was with you two and he was watching with that fond expression he gets when he looks at her...My stomach dropped and I knew that I couldn’t do that to you.”_ _

_ _“Do what, exactly Tessa?”_ _

_ _He watches her face crumple then, knows she’s teetering right on the edge of a sob. But then she shakes her head, swallows down the visible heartbreak and continues. _ _

_ _“I couldn’t be the reason you wouldn’t get to have your children. It was one of the only things you’d been sure of in the last two or three years of our lives at that point. You wanted to win gold in 2018, and then you wanted to find someone you could have kids with. And I already knew at that point that I likely couldn’t ever physically give that to you.” She swallows hard again, and gives him her best smile as she blinks away the tears. “I left the rink without talking to you, or anyone really. Took a different exit and texted you to say I’d see you on Sunday. You took the hint. I let myself feel it all that night, probably more than I’ve let myself feel anything. And then in the morning I put all those feelings and potential and confusion back into the box and put it away.”_ _

_ _“But you weren’t in love with me?”_ _

_ _“No,” she admits. “I never let myself go there before that day, other than a brief moment when I was sixteen and lonely and you went through a very protective phase. Even then it wasn’t romantic love so much as the shock of being seen and comforted when it felt like no one in the world was willing to see me. But other than that, I didn’t let myself really go there before that day at the rink, and I didn’t let myself go there after that day. I only had time to acknowledge the potential, really acknowledge it for the first time ever really, and then to know that _I_ wasn’t for you.” Her voice cracks when she says _I_ and Scott can feel his chest split open in response to her pain._ _

_ _“I’m so sorry,” he tells her. _ _

_ _“For what?” _ _

_ _“That you had to go through that night alone, for starters,” he tells her. That night and any other nights like it. And for so much more. _ _

_ _The silence stretches out in front of them and Scott is content to let it be for a few moments, but there are still things he’s missing, he can tell, and since Tessa is opening up, he decides to push for a little more. _ _

_ _“What, exactly, was wrong? Why couldn’t you have children?” He leaves off _with me_. Figures they’ll circle back to that at some point, but for now he wants to know her struggle. He’s known since she was a teenager, that she’s had “female trouble.” Her periods were obviously painful, though he didn’t get great at noticing it until after 2011 when she either started letting him see when she was in pain, or when he finally realized that he needed to be paying closer attention. Back then it had been about her legs, but her tells were similar whether it was her legs or something internal. He thought the surgery in 2015 had fixed it, though. _ _

_ _“I had a combination of issues, including endometriosis and fibroids.”_ _

_ _Scott nods when she pauses to see if he remembers. It all sounds familiar, though he wouldn’t have been able to name either condition an hour ago._ _

_ _“I sucked it up until the beginning of 2015 when I had that surgery to get rid of some of the extra tissue that was causing the pain. That was the doctor that told me I probably wouldn’t have kids easily because of the way the tissues were growing on the ovaries and fallopian tubes. At that point in my life having kids wasn’t something I was remotely considering so I heard his warning as less, ‘you’ll have a hard time having kids’ and more of a ‘you shouldn’t or won’t have biological children.’ And I was okay with that.”_ _

_ _“And that’s when drunk me thought it’d be a great idea to get gushy about hypothetical babies, which gave you the impression I’d only want kids if they looked like me?” Tessa nods and rolls her eyes with a grimace. They were shit at communicating in that period of their lives. Scott continues, “I remember the surgery, though. It was a fairly quick one, right? You recovered in a few weeks?”_ _

_ _“Yeah. And it worked for awhile. I felt so much better until right after Worlds in 2017. The symptoms started coming back and they ramped up until they were back in full force by the end of our first tour after the Olympics. Then I moved to Japan with Ty and I spent the next three years throwing all the hormones and other treatments at my conditions that I couldn’t risk while we were competing. None of it helped. In Japan they did another fertility work up and it turned out that in addition to some really stubborn and frankly horrific endometriosis, I really was infertile and what few eggs I had were trash.”_ _

_ _Scott raises his eyebrows at her strong description. _ _

_ _“I still don’t really understand how I could spend so much of my life training my body and taking care of it as best I could, and so many different parts of that same body sucked so hard.” She says it like she’s joking, but he can hear how betrayed she still feels -- doesn’t even blame her a little bit. He just holds onto her hand tight as she continues, “Even with all of that pain and basic dysfunction, it still took me a year of work to convince a doctor here in Canada to do a damn hysterectomy. They were so concerned that I’d regret not having a womb, even though my eggs were old and useless and I was in constant pain. The thought of carrying a child, one that would have to come from another woman’s egg and, what? Ty’s sperm? It wasn’t even remotely something that seemed appealing. I finally found a doctor in Toronto that looked at my history as a whole, looked at the misery I’d been in and was willing to schedule the hysterectomy within a month. In the end, they removed it all, uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries too, since they needed to get all the endometrial tissue and for some reason my uterine lining enjoyed getting friendly with my ovaries and fallopian tubes.”_ _

_ _“Oh Tess,” Scott breathes out, completely overwhelmed by how jacked up she’d been physically without him having any real clue. _ _

_ _“I didn’t really have a chance to think about the consequences. I didn’t care if the hormone issues might prematurely age me or make certain parts of my life more difficult if HRT didn’t work. I just, for once in my life, didn’t want to hurt anymore. The thought of going through decades of more pain hoping someone would care enough about the issue to come up with legitimate treatments or a cure was just unfathomable.” She exhales and then gives him the saddest, most self-deprecating smile and adds, “But I might have been a little hasty.”_ _

_ _“No, T. You made the right choice. Of course you did.”_ _

_ _“I did, but I made it very quickly, even though in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t quick at all. I didn’t give Ty any time to prepare, and that ended up being a clusterfuck, but I didn’t give myself time to prepare, either. I also didn’t take the time to recover, really. I shut down, flew back to Japan as soon as I was able to, and got back to work as soon as possible once it was done. Physically I recovered quickly and the HRT is working extremely well for me, but mentally, I didn’t give myself time to grieve -- didn’t really understand I would need to. I thought because I was fine without kids that it wouldn’t matter to me that they had to take my womb.”_ _

_ _“Did you at least get into therapy again?” Scott asks. _ _

_ _“Not until I came home for good,” she admits. “My family tried. I guess they could tell I was spiraling from the minute I scheduled the surgery. I sobbed when I held Jane for the first time. I just completely broke down in a way I never had in front of the boys and totally freaked them out. I made an offhand comment about Kevin’s wife uterus being in perfect working order, I apologized to my mom for being a bad daughter and not being able to give her a grandchild, made a lot of other off color jokes that I find a little horrifying now looking back. Jordan begged me to see a therapist in the month that I was home before the surgery but I insisted I was fine because I was making the right decision. And I was. I just didn’t know how to grieve. I didn’t know it was okay to.”_ _

_ _“And then Ty...” Scott prompts, the reality of how the ending of that relationship would have felt for her dawning on him and making him want to kill the dude. _ _

_ _“Like I’ve said before, I thought we were on the same page about what kind of partners we would be for each other and that parenting partners would never be in the mix. That changed for him. Something about me being incapable of conceiving and giving birth made him realized that he actually did want kids.. He wasn’t cruel about it, but I’d be lying if the timing didn’t make me feel...like I was less of a woman somehow. That without my uterus, I became something less than I was before.”_ _

_ _“Tess,” Scott starts but honestly has no clue what there is to say. _ _

_ _“Anyway, we hung on for a few more months, but once I got the foundation proposal from Sophie, I knew that would be it. He didn't argue.” She sounds so tired and defeated._ _

_ _Scott does the only thing he can think to do and just pulls her into his arms and holds onto her as tight as he can, hoping that it will somehow ease the heaviness that the last few years have left her with. _ _

_ _She hasn’t been crying, but as he holds her, her fast, almost erratic breathing slows and evens out and she tucks herself into his embrace and holds him just as tightly. _ _

_ _Tessa is the strongest person he knows, with the highest pain tolerance of anyone he’s ever met. The amount of pain she must have been in to actually push to have such a drastic surgery is astronomical to him. That anyone refused her that relief makes him more angry than he can express. The complexity of what she has said -- and what she hasn’t said -- will take some time for him to parse out, but the one thing he knows for sure is that she is more than remarkable, and nothing she’s told him changes that. _ _

_ _Tessa sighs heavily against him and he can sense she’s out of words. His own mind is a storm of conflicting thoughts and emotions all swirling around and bouncing off of each other. Sorrow and guilt and anger all try to find purchase within him, and he believes that each will have their day but for now, as he holds onto her, tight as anything, it’s awe and respect that win out. _ _

_ _It’s only a few minutes before her breath evens out a little too much and she relaxes enough in his hold that he knows she’s fallen asleep. He is tempted to let her sleep on him throughout the night but decides against it, knowing that they both need better rest than huddling together on a couch can afford them. Then he debates shifting so he can scoop her up and take her to her room, in the vain hope that she’d sleep through it, but something keeps him from that option as well. _ _

_ _In the end he gently says her name and pushes the hair out of her face. “Tess.”_ _

_ _She sucks in a breath and sits up, squeezing her eyes shut as she pushes her hair out of her face. “Sorry.”_ _

_ _“No sorry, T,” he says. “I just figured you should get some real sleep in a bed.”_ _

_ _“Yep,” she says with a sharp nod, looking around the room in a bit of a daze. She stands then and looks around the space for a second before crouching down to pick up a few of the toys that Ben had left scattered around and depositing them into the toybox on the other side of the couch. _ _

_ _Scott wants to tell her to leave it but knows she won’t so he heads into the kitchen and pours them both glasses of water. It doesn’t take her long to tidy up, so she joins him in the kitchen before too long and he hands her one of the glasses. She’s pale and still seems to be having trouble looking at him so he takes her hand and tugs on it a bit until she looks up at him. Her eyes are clear but wary. _ _

_ _“My head is very full right now and you’re very tired so I think we should both go to bed, get some sleep, and then I might have follow up questions tomorrow. But I need to tell you one very important thing before you go to sleep, T.”_ _

_ _He watches as she swallows and then gives him a little nod, letting him know it’s okay to continue. _ _

_ _“You are still you. Nothing you’ve done or had done to you, no choice you’ve made, no surgery, nothing, nothing, nothing, changes that.” It doesn’t feel like it’s enough once he’s said it, but something softens in her face when he looks back at her, a subtle unclenching of her jaw and the tightness around her eyes recedes. _ _

_ _She squeezes his hand and then stands on her tiptoes to press a kiss against his jaw, tells him, “Thank you,” in the softest voice and then slips away and to her room._ _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the usual suspects for all you do to keep this train rollin'! 
> 
> As for the rest of you beautiful people...you're welcome?

Scott gets little rest and finds himself sitting in Ben’s room at 3:00am, watching Ben sleep and letting his mind cycle from one thought to the next, then back again. He chews at the pad of his thumb so intensely that it’s started to hurt in earnest but he’s too tired and distracted to find something else to chew on. He thinks about Tessa’s pain and how he missed just how bad it must have been that last year and change of their skating, and then he thinks about how he completely missed her momentary shift in interest and wonders what he would have done had he known. Then just as soon as that question starts to sink in, he gets distracted by how, even now, she still seems bewilderingly ashamed of having had the hysterectomy. He can’t help but fixate on how she seemed so conflicted between the relief of not having such a high pain load, and the psychological burden of having her womb removed. It doesn’t take a genius to know that her word choice -- womb instead of uterus -- is incredibly significant. 

But then he remembers how seriously she had taken his drunken words from 8 years ago and he wonders if she was right -- was he incapable, back in 2015 or 2017, of welcoming a son or daughter into his world, that wasn’t biologically his? He likes to think that his kid is his kid and if he’d been gifted with Ben at 27-years-old instead of at 35, he would have loved him just as much as he does now. But does having Ben mean that he’s given up on ever having a biological child? That’s a question he can’t answer. Or really, it’s the more important question that keeps coming back to pester him: does he want more children, and if so, does he still hold out special hope of having a biological child? He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that Ben is his son and he would not love another kid, any kid, more than he loves Ben. The idea is completely unfathomable. But would he still like to have a kid with his nose or eyes or hair? Is that a hope he still holds close? 

As he finally drifts off to a restless sleep, Scott decides that he should call his therapist’s office in the morning and see about arranging an appointment. 

His alarm goes off way too quickly. Even though it’s summer, it’s still pre-dawn since he needs to get to the rink early as his teams gear up for Minto -- how is the new season already starting? -- and he needs to drop Ben off with his new sitter in Waterloo. He heats up a breakfast burrito that he meal-prepped on the weekend as he drinks his coffee, and then takes a few minutes to write out a note to Tess tell her when he’ll be back and to help herself to any food she wants. He feels weird about leaving her after their conversation last night, but there’s a part of him that’s glad he doesn’t have to come up with better words to say in the light of day than what he offered last night. 

Ben only wakes up long enough to whimper a bit as Scott transfers him into his car seat, but he falls back to sleep as soon as the car starts. Once on the road Scott actively shifts his focus to thinking about what he wants to accomplish with his teams today, speaking a few memos into his notes app on his phone and hoping that Siri will get most of his dictation right. By the time he pulls up to the sitter’s house the coffee has kicked in and his focus is where he needs it to be. 

Ben wakes up as the car stops and Scott watches as he yawns wide and then catches Scott’s eye in the mirror. “Hi dadda,” his son whispers and Scott smiles tiredly at his kid. 

“Hi buddy,” he replies as he reaches back and tugs on Ben’s foot. His son giggles in response, and then yawns again. 

No. Scott cannot imagine loving anyone more than he loves this kid. 

*

Scott is surprised, but genuinely glad Tess is still at his house when he and Ben get home and he finds her in the kitchen chopping veggies for a salad. In the past when they’ve had to have hard conversations they’d learned to give each other a few days of space before coming back together to tackle the conflict, or to get over the rawness of whatever hard truth had sent them scurrying. 

She looks up from her place at the cutting board and meets his eye. She looks a little wary, maybe a little sheepish, but she isn’t hiding or avoiding. He can’t help but walk right up to her, Ben settled on his hip, and pull her into a hug. 

“I’m glad you’re still here.” 

“Yeah,” is all she says as she hugs him back. 

They only stay like that for a few seconds before Ben starts to chatter at them and Tessa turns to take him. 

“Did you have so much fun with Ms. Callie? I bet you got to play with all the good toys, huh?”

“Yat!” Ben agrees with his usual cheeky grin before holding up his lovie in Tessa’s face and roaring gently. 

“Yeah. Your dragon is such a good buddy, huh.”

Ben just nods and squeezes the dragon to his chest before holding it out to Tessa. “You?” he asks. 

“Oh thank you so much, Benjamin. But that’s your buddy. You keep him.”

“Yat,” he agrees with a big nod and then puts his head on Tessa’s shoulder and squeezes her with his free arm. “Yat.” 

“Oh Ben,” Tessa replies and Scott can hear that she’s tearing up. “You are my buddy, too.” Scott watches as she squeezes the baby to her and buries her face in his neck. 

Ben lets her for almost a minute before pulling back and asking, “Play?” 

Tessa presses a kiss against Ben’s hair and then looks over at Scott. 

“Go play,” he says with a nod. “I can finish dinner.”

“I put a chicken to roast in the oven. I hope that’s okay.”

“Look at you, kiddo!” he praises her as he opens the oven door and sees that she’s prepared the lemon and garlic chicken completely correctly up to now. She’d watched him do it a few times since they both like the meal and the leftovers it provides and the last time he made it she’d asked him to walk her through the whole prep and he had texted her a link to the recipe he references anytime it’s been awhile since he’s made the dish. He was planning on making it today or tomorrow so this works fine. “I’ll take care of the rest.” 

Scott finishes with the salad prep and then grabs a beer from the fridge for himself, offering one to Tess as well, but she declines, completely focused on watching Ben put the correct shaped blocks into the right holes. The sunlight is streaming in from the large sliding glass door that leads to the back deck and Ben keeps putting the crescent moon shaped block over the star shaped hole and then laughing his little head off when Tessa gives him a stink face in response. 

Scott is struck with such an overwhelming sense of conflicting emotions as he watches the two of them laugh that he has to leave and head back to his room calling out, “Hey T, I’m gonna take a quick shower. The oven timer is on but I should be out before it goes off.” Trusting that she’s focused enough on Ben to barely notice, he doesn’t wait for a response. 

He’s weeping before he’s hit the bathroom door. The tears flow as he strips out of his clothes and steps into the warm water of the shower. He can’t identify half of what he’s feeling or thinking, but the two things that stand out are that Tessa would make the best mom, and that he wishes with everything in him that he could give Ben a good mama. 

He shuts those thoughts away as he turns off the water and dries off. Tessa is in his house still, she didn’t run away to regroup and find equilibrium on her own. So tonight, he’ll keep following her lead as best he can. 

*  
“We don’t have to talk about it,” she murmurs from her place on the couch. She’s tucked into the corner where the two sides of the sectional meet, covered in a soft afghan and a book resting on her knee. 

He’s just put Ben down for the night (he wasn’t able to watch as Ben gave Tessa a slobbery kiss and huge hug good night, but despite her bright smile he sees tears in her eyes and he wonders if being around Ben helps or hurts more) and he sinks down into one of the other free corners of the sofa and closes his eyes for a moment. The lack of sleep the night before and the long day at the rink are catching up with him and if he didn’t hear how clearly her words are more a concession to him than any true wish of her own, he’d take her up on putting off this conversation in a heartbeat. But as he opens his eyes and looks at her, he knows that she’s ready to hear his thoughts, unfinished as they might be. That she’s maybe even anxious about them. 

So, falling back on every lesson in communication they’ve ever had, he tells her this: 

“I can’t begin to imagine how hard the last few years have been for you, Tess. It all sucks so much and I hope you never have to feel even a fraction of the pain you must have been feeling,” he doesn’t clarify if he means physical or emotional because it’s obvious there was a lot of both. “I am sad that I wasn’t there for you, and I’m sorry that my words and attitudes added to your pain.”

There will be more to say eventually, but for now, reassuring her and apologizing for the pain he caused are the priorities. 

“I forgive you,” she says, not taking her eyes off his, “For the hurt. But I also need to acknowledge that nothing you said was wrong in and of itself. I internalized it and made it a much bigger thing than you probably ever meant for it to be and realizing that has been...” she swallows. “Well, it knocked me off my feet a bit, and sometimes I’m still reeling from just how wrong I was in all my conclusions.”

That knocks him for yet another loop. “Can you talk a little more about that?”

“Give me a bit to figure it out first?”

He’s completely intrigued, but given how much he’s wanting more time to sort through his own thoughts, he can’t begrudge her it. 

“Of course,” he whispers. And then he asks, before he thinks it through, “Did it help to tell me?”

At this she smiles and sighs, snuggling back into the couch. “It did. It is helping,” she gives him that self-deprecating smile that he hates to see on her face, “I think I made it out to be this big _thing_ and now that it’s out there and you know...it’s nice to not have that one thing holding me back. It’s going to take me awhile to figure out why I made keeping it from you such a huge, precious deal though.”

“Yeah,” he sighs out. That’s his question, too. “I need to figure that out, too. With Ben.” He should have prioritized that months ago. 

“Hmm,” is her only response. 

“Did you get any sleep last night?” 

She smiles sleepily at him, “More than you.”

“That wouldn’t be hard,” he admits. 

“Then we should get some sleep,” she offers, sitting up straighter and folding the blanket that she’s been swathed in. 

They both have a bit of a hard time getting out of the soft, warm couch and about fifty of their collective joints crack in the process. 

“Fuck, we’re old,” Scott groans. 

“So very, very old,” she agrees with a sigh. 

She starts to pass him as she moves to put the blanket into the chest behind the couch and he can’t help but grasp her wrist and tug gently on it. She doesn’t resist as he pulls her in and hugs her to him. “I love you, Kiddo.”

Tessa sighs into his chest and he barely hears her answering, “Love you, too.” 

He holds onto her for a few moments before kissing her head and pulling back. “I’ll lock up. You go get some sleep.”

“You, too,” she says with a strong look. 

“Will do,” he agrees. He’s tired enough, and assured enough that, for now at least, she’s okay -- they’re okay -- that it only takes him a few extra minutes to drift off. 

*

His teams both end up on the podium at Minto which is a little bit surprising. They’ve been working hard, but they aren’t always the most consistent. As he hugs them and congratulates them on their success, he’s mentally coming up with a plan to build on these successes and keep his teams from peaking too early. 

Like many other competitions in Canada, Tessa and her team, including a newly onboard Kaetlyn, are there, but other than a few quick hugs, their interactions are few and far between. On the last day, after most everything is done, and Tessa and her crew are packing up, he spots her in a tense conversation with another prominent Skate Ontario rep and former coach they’ve known since the early days of their career. The guy looks like he’s teetering on the edge of outright berating her, though the only tell that she’s uncomfortable is a little crinkle across the bridge of her nose and the way her right hand is purposefully hanging fully open at her side rather than in a more relaxed position. He’s about to head over, whether to join the conversation or to give her an out, but her eyes dart over to him, catch his eye, and she gives a small, near imperceptible shake of the head, telling him to let her handle it, so he holds back and takes out his phone so he can at least pretend to be occupied. Once his phone is out, he ends up turning on the video camera just for a little added help if the coach gets anymore aggressive. 

He doesn’t. When Tessa doesn’t argue or yell back at him, the man seems to deflate a little, though there’s still tension radiating through him. Scott tries to remember if this guy was friends with the coach out of Saskatoon or if he simply doesn’t appreciate the reach that her foundation seems to have. Either way, he’s an asshole for trying to use his size and power to intimidate Tessa and when the man turns to stalk away, Scott takes a tiny bit of pleasure in how startled he looks to see Scott so close by and obviously paying attention. Scott gives him a wide, fake-as-fuck smile and then pushes off the wall he’s been leaning on to go talk to Tessa. 

They’re staying at the same hotel and are taking the same train back to London in the morning since his Novice team skated their Free Dance just late enough that there was no hope of making the last train out of Ottawa. 

“That happen often?” he asks as he reaches to take the handle of the heavy, wheeled trunk she’s just locked and stood up on its end. 

“It happens,” she answers vaguely, which essentially means it definitely happens often. 

“That’s disappointing,” he replies, voice low and laced with frustration. 

“But not unexpected,” she concludes.

“I guess,” he replies. There’s a reason foundations like Tessa’s rarely make it anywhere. They’re exhausting as fuck and require someone with infinite patience and the ability to know when to push and when to sit back and let someone burry themself. She’s perfect for the job, honestly, Scott just hates that she has to do it. “You wanna go get dinner or are you peopled out?”

“My plan was UberEats and sleep, but you’re welcome to come eat with me if you want.”

“What were you planning on ordering?”

“Sushi? Or maybe Greek? It depends on what’s open on a Sunday evening,” she replies with a shrug. Their ride to the hotel is out on the curb when they get there, which is nice. 

“Sushi sounds good if there’s somewhere decent delivering.”

At the hotel they go their separate ways so Scott can shower and change out of his nicer coaching clothes. When he knocks on her door she’s now in leggings and a sweatshirt, her hair up and face bare. She looks more than tired and Scott makes a note to head back to his own room right after dinner. 

He had been planning on maybe talking to her about some of the issues that he’d been working through with his therapist in the weeks since they last had a major talk, but one look at her tells him tonight is not the night. Maybe they’ll get a chance to catch up tomorrow, during the more than seven hour train ride back to London. A public setting doesn’t strike him as ideal, except, maybe it’ll help them keep their emotions in check. It’s not like they don’t have decades of practice doing just that. 

He settles on her bed and beckons her over. “You’re getting a shoulder massage, T,” he tells her. “At least till the food gets here.”

She doesn’t even sort of fight him, just plops down in front of him and drops her head so he has access to her neck. She is, unsurprisingly, covered in knots. “When was the last time you got a massage?” he asks, expecting her to say that she hadn’t had time in months. 

“Two weeks ago,” she mumbles. 

“Holy shit.” He knows this job has been taking its toll on her emotionally, but he hasn’t considered how wearing it must be on her body, too. 

“Yeah,” she agrees. 

Scott digs in deep and chases down every groan and hiss and wince that he elicits, doing his best to release as many of her trigger points as he can. He has her lay down after a few moments so he can get deeper and when he finishes with a slightly less intense scalp massage he’s a little afraid she’s going to fall asleep before eating. 

Her phone dings, and she doesn’t even flinch. He checks the lock screen and sees that the food is two minutes away and that he needs to meet it downstairs so he leaves her in her half asleep state, impulsively pressing a kiss between her shoulder blades, and then swipes her key from her wallet, grabs some cash from his own, and runs downstairs to grab the food.

When he lets himself back in her room she’s still asleep so he preps a few pieces of rolled sushi with extra sauce and makes sure they’re as calorie packed as can be, and then he rouses her in the hope that she’ll eat for, like, five minutes, drink some water, and then go back to sleep. 

“Tess,” he calls, taking her hand in his and jiggling it. “Wake up so you can eat.”

Her little hurrumph makes him smile but he pushes a little harder. “Just a few bites and then you can go back to sleep. You’ll get a headache if you don’t get some food in you.”

She scrunches her face and sighs before pushing up, barely opening her eyes and then holding out her hand for her plate. She eats silently, methodically, and takes a few sips of water. All told she eats maybe five pieces of the sushi, drinks half of the water and then her eyes close again. 

“Okay. You can lay back down. I’ll take care of clean up,” he assures her. 

“My alarm,” she asks, weakly as she fumbles for her phone. 

“What time?” he asks, handing her her phone so she can unlock it, before taking it back to set her alarm. 

“Seven? We have to leave here at eight.” 

He sets the alarm, places it back on her stand, and packs up the food, taking most of it back to his room with him. 

As he settles down for his own sleep, making sure his alarm is set for 6:45am, he can’t help but wonder how often days like this drain her so much that she doesn’t have a chance to eat before falling into a dead sleep. 

*

They meet down in the lobby, their bags all gathered together, both quiet as they nurse their first cups of coffee of the morning and wait for their ride to the train station. Scott is struck with such an intense shot of nostalgia that it almost hurts. How long has it been since they’ve done any kind of travel together, yet they slip into old, comfortable habits all the same. 

The ride to the station is smooth and quiet and Scott chooses not to break the silence, watching as his friend slowly blooms as the morning continues and she wakens to it. The station is bustling and a little chaotic, but they get on the train with all the appropriate baggage and are soon settled into their seats, ready for the long ride home. 

Scott’s phone dings and he grins to see a picture of Ben in his oldest cousin’s arms, giving the camera his biggest, toothiest grin. 

He nudges Tessa with his shoulder to get her attention, and the smile that lights up her face at the sight of Ben is a wonder. 

“I fucking love that smile,” she says as she takes the phone from Scott and continues to look at the picture. “He’s doing well this weekend then?” she asks. “I’ve been wondering.”

“From all accounts he’s been great. Seems to be over his super clingy phase for now and has had a blast with all his cousins.” 

“I’ve missed him,” she admits as she hands the phone back to Scott and pulls a food bar out of her bag. It surprises him because she saw Ben right before they came over to Ottawa. 

They lapse into silence again, Tessa fairly engrossed in her book, and Scott pulling out his laptop so he can look over numbers for the shop. Then it’s time for their meals and Tessa tells him about her niece’s dance recital from the other week. 

His phone lights up again with another picture of Ben blowing a kiss at the camera along with two of Charlie’s kids. Tessa gets the softest smile on her face as she looks at it and Scott can’t help but blurt out, “I’m so sorry.”

She looks up at him, startled by his vehemence, before raising her eyebrows in invitation to continue. “For?” she asks, her tone indicating that she has no clue what’s prompted his apology. 

“I know I’ve said it before, but for keeping him a secret. From you.”

“Oh,” she breathes out, shifting her gaze so she’s looking out the window instead of at him. “You ever figure out why?” she asks. 

“Kind of?” he starts, and she looks at him again, curious. “I’ve mostly accepted that I had no real reason. Near as I and my therapist can tell, it was mostly just fear and apprehension. I worried that you’d be able to convince me to not do it.”

“What?” she spits out. “Why?”

“Yeah,” he agrees with her incredulous tone. “That’s where I accept that it was a false premise. Like could you have convinced me to not adopt Ben? Probably. But did I have any reason to think you would? No. And if I’d actually focused on the question, I would have recognized that, but after awhile, not telling you became a whole _thing_ on its own. Which seems to be a theme for us.” 

It sucks looking back and having only the flimsiest of reasons for hurting her the way he has. It truly sucks. 

“I find it hard to believe I had that kind of power over you,” Tessa posits, “I never, ever would have tried to talk you out of adopting Ben or adopting any kid, but at that point in our lives, I also don’t see why you were worried about my opinion at all.”

He can’t help but bark out a bit of a laugh. “You’ve always had a lot of influence on me, T. Always.”

“Huh,” she replies, like this is a surprise. 

Unsure where to take the conversation from there, he lets it go for now, while he replies to his niece, thanking her for the pictures. The attendant takes their finished meals and promises to bring more wine and water when Tess requests it. He remembers now, that she often underestimated her influence on him. She was always aware of their mutual impact on each other when it came to skating and to their business endeavors, but she’d always underestimated how much her opinion mattered in general. He figured maybe that’s why she was always tight lipped about most of his choices over the years. 

“I wish you could have told me,” she tells him, turning toward him. “I wish I could have known him as a newborn. But given everything that was going on with me, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have reacted poorly like I did with Jane. I hope that I would have been gracious, but there’s no real way to know.”

“Just because it worked for the best, doesn’t mean I made the best choice.” He swallows. “That sounds stupid, but, like you said. There’s no way to know and so we have to deal with the hurt I caused you by not telling you, rather than wonder what might have happened if I’d made a different choice.”

“Oh Scott,” she says, “Whatever hurt I felt before is gone. That’s what I’m trying to say. I would have liked for everything to be different, for everything to be perfect, but it wouldn’t have been and maybe this was the best outcome for where we were both at. I’ve let go of the hurt, now you can let go of the guilt.”

So maybe the train wasn’t the best choice for this conversation. Tears are pricking his eyes and he has to swallow the welling emotion that her absolution is granting him. How is she always so damn good? In lieu of words, he surreptitiously pulls her hand up to his lips and kisses it in thanks, falling back on old habits. 

They lapse into silence again, and they both fall asleep for a bit, only rousing when a child runs down the aisle laughing. Scott pops up quickly, thinking it’s Ben for all of a second, before he sits back and sighs in relief that it’s someone else’s kid. He’s so glad to be getting home so it _can_ be his kid disturbing him soon. 

Tessa must have roused at the same time he did because she squeezes his shoulder in commiseration before saying something that rocks his world just a little bit. 

“I didn’t want you to see me differently,“ she tells him, just moments later, her voice barely cutting through the noise of the train wheels on the tracks. 

“Hmm?” he asks not following her, seemingly out of nowhere, statement. 

“I didn’t tell you about the hysterectomy because I needed someone to look at me the same. I specifically needed that person to be you.”

“Oh,” he replies gently. It’s hard for him to swallow the idea that she’d ever worried that something like this would change his view of her, but they’ve established that their fears aren’t entirely rational. “Okay.”

He isn’t sure what to do with this revelation, but he definitely knows that digging deeper into that is not for this train ride. For now it’s enough that they both have new information to work with going forward. 

*

The summer is hot and a little muggy but Scott and Ben spend most of their evenings outdoors soaking up the fresh air and sun while they can. Scott will often water the different flower beds with a low-flowing hose while Ben darts around in just his diaper and some hand-me-down sandals that Charlie’s son grew out of way too soon. Ben does his best to “help” which usually involves grabbing the hose and drinking out of it, or banging his shovel into the dirt repeatedly. It’s cute as fuck and keeps his kid occupied and cooled off so Scott laughs off the mess and is glad that all the activity wears Ben out enough for him to sleep all the way through the night again. 

It’s an early August evening when things shift ever so slightly again. Tessa came back from a trip earlier in the day and, as has become the routine, came out to hang out with Ben and Scott rather than head to her own place. He’s pretty sure that between her last two trips she only slept at her own house a quarter of the time, but it’s not like he’s complaining. It’s nice to have another adult in the house to talk to, to share clean up duty with, and even to help with Ben from time to time. He has to stop himself from asking her to consider being his permanent roommate. It wouldn’t do to spook her now. . 

“You two almost ready to eat?” Tess asks as she walks out onto the deck with two bottles of beer in one hand and a bottle of sunscreen in the other. 

“Have we been out here long enough that you made dinner?” Scott asks. He’s been working on fixing two of his beds that got thrashed by a torrential summer rain they had earlier in the week. Tessa had been on a work call when he came out and he figured she’d find her way out to help or play with Ben like she’s done the last few times she’s been around. 

“It’s been almost two hours,” she tells him. “Figured at the very least it was time for more sunscreen for Ben.”

“Let me just finish getting this bed situated and then, yeah. We can figure out what to do for dinner.” Now that he looks at Ben he can see that his cheeks are red from the heat, but hopefully not from the sun itself. 

“It’s too hot to cook but I checked and there’s stuff for sandwiches and I cut up the watermelon and peaches.” She plops down on the steps of the deck and calls, “Hey buddy, can you come here for a minute?” 

Ben looks up from where he’s squatting and calls out, “Bug!”

“Are you looking at some bugs? How fun! Can you leave it there and come here for me? I have some juice for you,” she tells him as she holds up a sippy cup of what Scott knows is extremely diluted apple juice. 

“Juice?!” Ben asks standing up straight from his crouched position. 

“Yeah! I got you some juice. Come drink it,” Tessa encourages, keeping the tube of sunscreen close to her side where Ben won’t see it. She’s gotten good at this. 

“Kay,” Ben agrees as he toddles over to her as fast as he can go. He still tends to walk mostly on his tiptoes when he goes fast, which makes his gate even more precarious seeming, but he’s more or less steady on his feet these days. 

Scott refocuses on getting the plank back in place and secured, letting the chatter between Tessa and Ben fade into the background. 

Until Ben starts to shriek and he hears the distinctive sound that his small hands make when they smack skin. 

Scott’s head pops up and he checks to see if he needs to intervene, but he hears Tessa talk to Ben in a low but firm voice. 

“Ben. No hitting. You need the sunscreen buddy. Your cheeks are so red already,” she tells him as she continues rubbing the baby sunscreen into his son’s skin. Ben verbally protests a little more, but otherwise doesn’t lash out. “I know it feels kind of icky on your skin, but you would be a sad, sad boy if you got burned.”

“Sad,” Ben repeats back to her in a super pathetic tone and Scott has to roll his eyes. Sometimes Ben can be so dramatic. 

“Oh you poor thing,” Tessa tells him, her voice thick with exaggerated sympathy. “Maybe some more juice will make you feel better.” She hands Ben the sippy cup again, and he drinks it greedily. It makes Scott remember his own thirst and he determines he needs to finish up securing this plank so they can start on dinner. 

They make some turkey sandwiches and dish up the simple fruit salad that Tessa assembled, eating it up quickly on the back deck. Ben ends up sticky from the juice of the peaches and melon so once he’s done eating, instead of taking him inside to clean off, Tessa turns on the hose to a low flow and washes Ben’s sticky hands off. Ben immediately ducks down to drink from the flow much to Tessa’s dismay. 

“Oh bud,” she says with a resigned laugh. “That’s so gross.”

“I’ll have you know hose water is a delicacy.”

“It’s so unsanitary,” she says, scrunching her nose in distaste. 

“Yes, but the kind that makes you stronger,” Scott says. He may be on board for some of the major changes in how kids are treated from when he was one, and is all about safety reform and not being stupid with children, but he’s not worried about this. 

Of course that’s when Ben reaches for the hose, manages to grasp it, and then gets excited and jerks the hose around in his enthusiasm. He gets Tessa right in the face with the water and her little shriek has Ben standing frozen. The laugh that erupts out of Tessa once she’s gotten over the initial shock is warmer and more energizing than the sun that’s been blazing down on them all day. 

“You little stinker!” Tessa says, though her laughter belies her words. “I’m gonna get you!” Tessa teases the hose out of Ben’s grasp and Ben gleefully toddles away from her giggling his ass off every time she gets him with the water. Normally Scott would join them, but today he’s content to sit in his comfortable chair on the deck, beer in hand, and watch them make each other laugh. 

They play like that for a few more minutes before Ben gets distracted by some brave birds and goes off to chase them. Tessa watches them with him for a bit, but once it’s obvious that Ben is safely occupied, she returns to the deck and settles in under the shade next to Scott. 

“Bets on how long it takes before he gets sick of his diaper being soaked and just gets rid of the thing?” Tessa asks as she takes a pull off her hard seltzer. 

“Less than a minute. It’s already falling off,” Scott says with a laugh. Ben is toddling around with his little plastic shovel in hand, but his waterlogged diaper is slowly sagging further and further down. He’s just about to call Ben over so he can just take it off now that the sun is mostly behind the trees when Ben pushes it off and does his best to step out of it, only tripping a little bit as his foot gets caught. Scott makes a mental note to make sure to collect the diaper and toss it in the trash before they head inside for bedtime. A bath will definitely be in order tonight. 

“There he goes,” Tess laughs. “I love how free and happy he is! I’m trying to remember if I was ever that unfettered, even when I was little.”

Scott looks at her, and though he’s seen her joyous numerous times in her life, he can’t picture her completely, obliviously, free either. Even as a little kid. The stories her family tells about her seem to show that she was always, always aware of other people, whether it’s her siblings or her parents or her teachers and coaches, she was always aware of what other people were doing. And once he entered the picture? Well it certainly didn’t change then. So he tells her as much. 

“You are many, many fantastic things, T, but free...” he trails off because it sounds kind of horrible saying it out loud. 

“Yeah,” she agrees with a sardonic chuckle. “No one has ever accused me of being a free spirit.” 

“Can you imagine how fucked we’d have been if either of us were true free spirits, though?” Scott replies. There would be zero gold medals for either of them if they weren’t the people they were: driven, competitive, and willing to do whatever it took to be the best. 

“It certainly would have been a different road for us,” she agrees. 

“Yep.” Scott takes a long drink of his beer and watches as his baby toddles back over to them, with something in his hand. Scott hopes it’s a rock and not a bug. Scott starts to hold out his hand to see what it is but Ben makes a b-line for Tessa holding his closed fist out to her. 

“What do you have, love?” She ask, voice bright as she can manage, though Scott can definitely detect the hint of apprehension in her voice. “That’s a very nice pebble, Ben! Thank you!” She tells him as Ben plops a white stone into her hand. 

Ben hugs her legs and rests his head in her lap for a second before smiling up at her. Tessa runs her hand over Ben’s head brushing the dirt out of it before pressing a kiss against his baby boy’s head. It’s such a sweet scene. 

Then Ben pulls away from her and turns to go get into more mischief. 

“Would you adopt?” Scott blurts out. 

“What?” She asks, tearing her eyes away from Ben to look at Scott, obviously startled. 

“Sorry,” he says with a shake of his head. He hadn’t meant for the question to come out so loud. He hadn’t meant to ask it at all. “I just...you’re so good with him. Have you considered adopting a child?”

Tessa laughs, and it’s sardonic and maybe even a little frustrated in tone. He can tell she’s going to dismiss the question and he figures that maybe she’s just not ready to consider alternative routes to motherhood, but he feels compelled to push the issue a little. So he holds her gaze, cocks his head, and waits patiently for a real answer. 

“I could never raise a kid without a partner,” she says. 

“Sure you could,” he says, automatically. Because seriously, if he can, then she can. 

“No,” she insists and she’s dead serious. “I don’t want to raise a kid alone. I’m amazed every damn day at how well you do it, and how much Jordan is rocking it, too, but you hit the jackpot with your kid and it’s still so hard, and no. I wouldn’t. Not alone.”

“But you do want to be a mom?” he asks, because the desire to parent wasn’t what she was denying. 

“I...” she trails off and looks a little helpless and bewildered as she tries to answer that question. “Yes? But not _enough_. Not the way that you wanted to be a dad bad enough to make it happen no matter what.”

“But if you found the right partner? Someone who you loved and wanted to raise kids with?”

“Do you have any idea how far away and alien that sounds right now?” she asks with yet another scoff. “The idea of finding a man, of trusting him enough to get close to him? Seeing if he’d be a good fit for me and maybe for having kids with, while doing the work I’m doing? Finding someone who both wants to have kids, but also doesn’t mind that his partner can’t give him biological children? The thought of being that vulnerable and open to someone new makes me want to throw up. I’m already sweating because of the heat, but I think I also just broke into a cold sweat on top of that.” She gulps down some more of her selzer and then winces as she tries to swallow it. “No.”

“Okay,” Scott tells her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “Okay. That does sound scary when you lay it out like that.” He can feel her hand trembling under his and his heart breaks for her. 

It’s beyond him that she doesn’t see that she’s a fucking catch. That any man on the planet would be lucky as fuck to have her, but he’s not stupid enough to think her fears are unfounded. Ty is far from the only guy in the world who would leave a woman who couldn’t have his children. 

It only takes a few minutes for her breathing to even out and for her hand to stop shaking in his. He squeezes her hand again, hoping to give a little extra boost of reassurance, and then he lets go and swipes the bottle of water that’s lying beside his chair and drinks half of it down in one go. 

She breaks the silence a few moments later with, “Have you thought anymore about when you’re going to start dating again? It’s been what? Two years since Lily?”

“Three,” he replies with a sigh. He’s definitely been thinking more and more about it. Now that Ben is older and Scott feels like he has a handle on the parenting thing -- knock wood -- his libido has started to resurface. While he hasn’t necessarily found himself wanting a girlfriend, he has started actively missing sex. 

“You haven’t had sex in three years?” Tessa sounds incredulous. 

“I haven’t had a girlfriend in three years,” he corrects. “I’ve haven’t had sex in a year and a half I think? Sometime just before Ben was born. Oh god that’s a long time.”

“Especially for you,” she says, and she probably doesn’t intend for it to sound as mean as it does but Scott can’t help but bristle. 

“Oh?” is all he says in response. 

“You just...” she starts and then pauses as if trying to find the right words. “It’s never been a secret that you really like sex.” 

“You don’t?” 

“Um.” She bites her lip and scrunches her nose. “Good sex is great. But with my conditions it hasn’t always been the most comfortable experience, so it’s been awhile since it was good enough for me to prioritize it.”

“Oh,” he replies. That would make sense he guesses, but Tessa, despite what some have thought throughout their career, has never been a prude and, while private, was rarely shy about being a sexual being. 

“But since I don’t think you have that issue, I’m just surprised that you haven’t been finding partners. At least when you’re out of town.”

“When I’m out of town, I mostly just want to sleep,” he admits. “But, yeah. That’s maybe starting to change. I’m starting to want more.”

There had been a woman at a bar during a short trip he took to Montreal in June. She was beautiful, and seemed sweet, and interested, and he considered inviting her up to his room. But he hadn’t. He paid for her drinks and then said goodnight and went back to his room alone. Maybe now he’d be ready. 

“You should get to have it all, Scott,” Tessa murmurs as she looks out past the tree line. “You should get to be Ben’s dad _and_ have a great woman to share your life with.”

And then she stands up and goes and scoops up Ben and tells him that it’s time for the stinky boy to get a bath. 

It hits him then that while he misses sex, he doesn’t miss having someone to come home to. Because he already has it. 

But what, exactly, does he do with that?

*

A week later, Tessa returns from a trip out to Kelowna and doesn’t come back to Scott’s place. Instead she tells him she’s gonna spend some time decluttering her house. 

As if there’s any clutter at Tessa Virtue’s house. 

Two days after she returns to London she texts him a picture of a gorgeous cat with cream colored fur on its body, a dark face and paws, and the bluest eyes. 

_Oops. Look who I brought home._

**That’s a beautiful cat. I’m proud of you.**

_Meet Sassy. She’s a sweety!_

**I guess we’ll get to see if Ben’s allergic. ;)**

_This breed tends to have less of the allergen, so hopefully they can be friends._

And then a few moments later

_Maybe you two can come over for dinner next week once she’s a little more settled. They can meet._

Fuck. 

Scott has to swallow down the bile that’s rising as it starts to dawn on him; she got a cat. 

She’s making her house home again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to C and A for their cheerleading, hand holding, and reassurance. 
> 
> I’m still working through my comment reviews for last chapter and oh boy, y’all are the very, very best. Like…you make all of this bullshit so much brighter. Thank you for each and every comment and emoji and key smash and all caps reaction. 
> 
> This is a bit of a bumpy ride, so buckle up, and then come let me know what you think…

Scott does his best to suppress the sense of panic that overtakes him when he gets the cat texts from Tessa. He’s overreacted enough in the past, misread her motivations enough times that he knows he needs to calm down and keep from jumping to conclusions. 

Still, as he sets Ben in the bath and watches as his son chatters away while playing with his toys he can’t help but feel like there’s an anvil on his chest at the thought of her distancing herself from him again. Of her distancing herself from Ben. 

“Dadda,” Ben’s voice cuts through his fog and he looks down at his son who has his head cocked looking at him expectantly. 

“Yeah Bud?”

“Play?” Ben dunks the little turtle he has in his hand under the water and then pulls it out quickly, making a big splash and getting water all over his face and Scott’s arm. The baby’s resulting laugh echoes through the bathroom and Scott can’t help but give him a little laugh in return. Scott focuses on Ben’s grin, and the way the water clings to his eyelashes after all the splashing, and the low growl he uses when he makes his dinosaur “talk”, and bit by bit he’s grounded back into the here and now. 

“Sure. Can I be Mr. Whale?” Scott asks as he directs the toy whale over to Ben, bumping into his belly button and setting off a riot of giggles. 

If he lets his son have a few extra minutes in the bath that night, who can blame him. This kid -- his kid -- is all he needs for now. 

*

She meets them at the park a few days later and Scott swears that she starts tearing up when Ben immediately reaches for her as soon as he notices she’s there. The baby grabs hold of her and hugs her tight around her neck and immediately begins chattering at her. She is sweet and kind with Ben, responding every time he pauses and laughing at the appropriate moments, but damn it all if she isn’t back to avoiding eye contact with Scott himself. 

“How’s the cat settling in?” he asks once Ben is occupied zooming his car all around the gnarled tree roots they’ve staked out as their territory for the day. 

“She’s so sweet. The sweetest cat I’ve ever had by a mile,” she answers, keeping her eyes on Ben. “Kevin brought Jane over yesterday, and the cat let her manhandle her for way longer than I expected before heading off to hide. I may have to change her name from Sassy because it doesn’t really fit her at all. She looks like the cat from Homeward Bound, but her temperament is much more gentle. I’ll have to come up with something else.”

“I’m sure you will,” he murmurs. It’s not fair in the least, but it bugs him that Jane met the cat before Ben. It’s irrational to the nth, but it feels significant, and not in a good way. 

“I always feel so much pressure when naming pets,” Tessa says before furrowing her brow. “I imagine it’s even more difficult when naming a child. How did you come up with Ben’s name?” Finally, at this question, she looks at him, the curiosity overflowing in her expression. 

“Maybe I should have thought through the name more, but mostly I just liked it and there weren’t any Moirs already named Benjamin. It wasn’t till later that I was told that it means son of my right hand or that Matthew means gift of god, but it just confirmed that it fits him and who he is to me.” Scott feels like he should have had a better reason for choosing the name he did, but he hasn’t regretted it, so it worked out. 

“It’s a good name,” Tessa confirms with a small smile. 

As if sensing he’s the topic of conversation, Ben looks up at them and gives them his ham-bone smile. When he gets a smile back, he pushes up to stand and does that half-run, half stumble that he does toward them, but about a meter away, he stumbles over a root and crashes down hard. Both adults pop up to check on him, since it looks like a hard fall, and sure enough, after a momentary pause to get his breath back, Ben starts wailing even as he struggles to get back on his feet. Scott is just about to pick him up and make sure he didn’t get any bad scrapes or cuts, when Ben toddles right to Tessa and tucks himself against her legs. She immediately picks him up, cooing at him and doing what she can to soothe him. 

“Oh love, you’re okay. You’re okay, buddy,” she tells him as Ben burrows into her arms and cries. “Shh. Let me see, buddy. Can you show me your ouchy?” Tessa asks into his ear. Ben pulls back a little and shows her his hand. From what Scott can see it’s mostly just scraped, but there’s no blood. 

“Ouchy,” Ben says, his cries quieting some as he pulls his hand back to his torso and tucks his head back into Tessa’s neck. Tessa continues to rub her hand up and down his back, soothing him with little murmurs. 

“Yeah. It’s ouchy,” she agrees. “But you’re okay.” Tessa moves to sit on a bench nearby and pulls Ben away from her a little so she can get a better look at him to make sure his hand is the only thing affected. 

“You okay buddy?” Scott asks, putting his hand on the back of his son’s head. Ben peaks up at him and pouts at him, but doesn’t move his head off of Tessa’s shoulder. 

Instead he shows him his hand and says, “Dadda, ouchy,” in the saddest, wobbliest voice. 

“Does it need kisses, Buddy?” Scott asks, reaching out for the hand. 

“Kisses,” Ben repeats with a nod. Scott takes his son’s scraped hand and presses a light kiss to the heel of it.

“Better?” Scott asks. 

Ben looks at his hand and repeats, “Ouchy,” again as his lip quivers again. 

“Want me to kiss it?” Tessa asks. 

Ben nods his head and holds his hand to her and whimpers, “Tess kisses,” though it all sort of slurs together in a hiss of consonants. 

Tessa holds his hand carefully and brushes off the dirt before pressing her own kiss against it. “Can you get the water bottle?” she asks Scott, pointing to her bag. 

Scott plucks it out of the pocket and unscrews the lid. “Let me see your hand again, Ben,” he coaxes. 

Ben keeps his cheek to Tessa’s shoulder but looks out at his dad before holding out his hurt hand. 

“Dadda’s gonna wash it off and get it all nice and clean and then you can play again, ‘kay?” Tessa tells Ben. 

“‘Kay,” Ben agrees with a little hitch in his voice but continues to cling to Tessa. 

Scott holds onto his son’s hand as he rinses it off, but while it’s red and the skin is lightly abraded there’s still no blood, so the cool water should feel good rather than sting. Ben shivers but doesn’t pull back and Scott is able to rub any of the dirt still on his hand away with his thumb.

“All done!” Scott tells Ben as he gently shakes Ben’s fingers back and forth. “You’re gonna live!”

Tessa rolls her eyes at Scott but bounces Ben on her lap, saying, “You did so good. Thank you for being such a sweet boy and letting your Dadda wash your hand.”

“Yeah,” Ben agrees with a nod and finally looks up with a proud smile. 

Tessa hugs him to her one more time and kisses his sweaty forehead and then sets him back down on the ground. “Wanna play again?” 

Ben grabs her hand with his uninjured one and pulls her back over to where he left his car and dino. Scott trails along and the three of them play together for a little while longer before Ben gets brave again and starts venturing a little farther, exploring the nooks and crannies made by the large tree roots without needing them right with him the whole time. 

“I think he’s missed you,” Scott tells her, keeping his voice low and gentle, but they both know he’s probing. 

Tessa squeezes her eyes shut tight and clears her throat. “Yeah. I missed him too.” She’s clasping her hands tight as she rubs one thumb so hard over the other that the skin blanches. 

“Is there something --”

“You should come for dinner,” she says cutting him off. Her demeanor has changed and she has her press mask in place and it’s so startling that he feels like he got smacked in the face with it. “Next Thursday, I can make that lemon chicken, I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And he still likes those diced up sweet potatoes with a little butter, right?”

“Uh…” She’s never asked them over to her place for dinner. At least not when there wasn’t a party happening already, but there’s the cat situation, so maybe this will be something they do now. “Thursday should work. It’ll have to be a little early since it’s midweek.”

“That’s fine. I’ve kinda kept up the habit of eating an earlier dinner, so 5:00pm should work, yeah? You guys can meet the cat. Maybe she’ll have a suitable name by then,” she says as she starts to gather her belongings. 

“You’re heading out?” he asks. 

“I have that call with Kaet,” she says with a shrug. 

The call with Kaetlyn that is in three hours. But what does he know? 

“Right. Well I’m glad we got to see you,” he says, standing. 

Ben notices the commotion and toddles over to them. Scott plucks him up and says, “Hey buddy. Can you tell Tessa bye-bye?”

Ben frowns and looks between Scott and Tessa and shakes his head. “No bye-bye.”

“Oh buddy, I’ve got to go to work!” Tessa tells him as she cups his cheek. “Do you want a hug goodbye?” 

At that Ben bucks in Scott’s arms and reaches out for Tessa, almost thrashing. “No bye-bye,” he repeats as he clutches at Tessa and she takes him fully in her arms. 

“I have to go, Ben,” she says calmly. “But I will see you very, very soon.” She kisses his temple and then starts to hand him back over to Scott. Ben resists for a bit longer clinging to her, but not really fighting. 

“We’re gonna go look at the ducks, Buddy! You love the ducks,” Scott tells him, keeping his voice as bright as he can as Tessa hands him off. “What do the ducks say, Ben?”

“Quack?”

“Yep! Good job!” Scott holds his hand up for a high-five, which Ben gives him enthusiastically. “Okay. Tell Tess bye so we can go see the ducks.”

It seems his son is distracted enough by the prospect of seeing one of his favorite animals, that he’s content to give Tessa his cheesiest grin and wave bye to her. 

“See you later, Buddy,” Tessa says, her smile bright and fake as can be. “Have fun with the duckies.” She presses a quick kiss to Ben’s cheek, squeezes Scott’s arm goodbye and then turns and leaves. 

Scott is intensely unsettled for the rest of the day. 

*

He does his best to shove his bad mood aside for the rest of the week, but he finds himself being a little shorter with his teams, and even worse, with Ben. He snaps out of it as soon as he barks out an order or gets visibly or audibly annoyed with his son, but it’s only through years and years of work that he’s able to stop his shitty responses in their tracks. His teams have given him more than one side glance, but mostly just do whatever he demands and wait for the choppy waters to settle. It only takes Ben crying once when Scott shouts at him to stop yelling, for Scott to pull himself back together, comfort his son, apologize, and do his best to be his normal loving, if sometimes firm, self. 

Everytime he thinks about Tessa distancing herself, though, he gets hurt all over again, and then frustrated with himself, and then frustrated with her, so by the time dinner at her house rolls around he’s a bundle of nerves and frustration. It’s actually good that she pretty much ignores him when she answers the door, and immediately plucks Ben out of his arms and smothers his son with kisses and laughter. 

“I missed you so much, Benjamin Matthew!” she declares as she kisses his cheek again. Ben just smiles shyly and then puckers his lips. “I get kisses too?” Tessa asks with exaggerated excitement. “Oh thank you!”

Ben kisses her, pulls back and then does it again before snuggling into Tessa. 

“He missed you, too,” Scott says quietly as he follows them inside and shuts the door behind them. Watching the two of them together usually makes him happy, but today, seeing their exuberance with each other, he feels overwhelmed in a way that threatens to overtake him. Their joy at being together is beautiful, but the confusion of why Tessa has suddenly stepped so far back underlies it all and as he sees his son's adoration for her, a little spike of anger at her shoots up at how unfair her seeming capriciousness is for Ben. And then there’s the begrudging acknowledgement that as hurt as he is on Ben’s behalf, he knows he’s hurt on his own behalf as well. Hurt that she has pulled away so sharply, that she’s closed herself off again, yes, but also that he’s been excluded from this reunion. 

Tess gives him a quick smile, and in that split second he can see turmoil and apology in that look, but then she turns back to Ben and leads them into her family room. She drags out a small chest of toys and pulls out a few that she knows Ben likes to play with at home. 

Scott settles onto the floor in front of the couch and continues to watch the two of them play and giggle and slowly he starts to relax and enjoy their antics. The evening sun is filtering through the high windows in the room and it’s golden light turns both Tessa and Ben’s hair a similar shade of copper and also helps to highlight the freckles on Tessa’s bare face and shoulders. He’s found himself drawn to those freckles more over the last ten months than he ever remembers being. 

He startles when the cat, who had been unseen before now, peeks out from under the couch and sniffs his hand. He manages to keep from pulling his hand back, only flinching a little, but he feels like he’s gotten caught staring as the cat inches out ever so slightly further from under the couch and nuzzles his hand. 

She’s tentative in a way that highlights her bravery, but Scott can’t quite tamp down the resentment that rises when he looks at her. Still, she’s sweet enough that he turns his hand over slowly, and gently rubs her forehead. He’s rewarded with her coming closer and butting her head against his hand more firmly. 

“I was hoping she’d show up on her own,” Tessa says, voice low as she crawls closer to him, leaving Ben to play with the toys on his own for a bit. 

“Yeah,” is his only response as he rubs his thumb between the cat’s eyes and gets a purr out of her. 

They sit like that for a few minutes, just a few feet away with the cat purring between them and Ben’s light chatter filling the space. It doesn’t take long for the cat to notice Tessa and turn her attention to her person. 

“Oh. You ready to come say hi to me, sweet one?” Tessa asks as the cat allows Tessa to take her into her arms. “Yeah, you’re the sweetest kitty, aren’t you?” The cat nuzzles Tessa’s face and Scott watches as Tessa relaxes into the motion and suddenly all his resentment flows out of him. Tessa should have more and more things in her life that help her relax that way, not fewer. 

The cat settles into the cradle of Tessa’s legs when she sits criss-cross and then Tessa calls out for Ben. The baby is so focused on his toys that she has to try again to get his attention, “Benjamin,” she calls out a little louder and in a sing-song voice, coaxing him to look up at her. 

Ben sits back on his heels and looks up at her, immediately spotting the cat in her lap. “Kitty?” he asks, bypassing the consonants as usual. 

“Yeah, buddy,” she says with a smile. “Good job! Want to come say hi to the kitty?” Ben bounces on his knees for a second before crawling over to Tessa and getting his face level with the cat. 

“Hi!” he says to the cat, who just nuzzles Tessa’s thigh again. 

“Can I help you pet her? So you can see how soft she is?”

Ben hasn’t been around many animals, as Alma’s cat hides from all children, and the only other person in his family with pets is Leanne who they don’t see that often. 

“Kitty?” he asks again. 

“Yeah. You can pet the kitty,” Tessa assures him as she reaches out for his hand and shows him how to pet the cat down his back. “Gentle, okay? Soft and gentle.”

Ben gets a little excited and lets out a bit of a squeek, which causes the cat to sit up a bit, but Tessa directs Ben to gently pet the cat again, and soon the kitty is settling back into Tessa’s lap and seems to be revelling in the attention. 

“Did you figure out a different name?” Scott asks as he leans back against the couch, watching the three of them interact. 

“Melanie. Melly for short,” she replies without looking up at him. 

He’s not sure it fits the look of the cat, but he finds it does seem to suit her temperament. 

Ben and the cat get comfortable enough that Melly lets Ben hug her and give her kisses and Scott is relieved to see that so far his son does not seem to have a cat allergy.

The oven timer goes off, startling the cat, and she darts away, down the hall and up the stairs. 

“Kitty?” Ben asks, startled by the cat’s rapid exit. 

“She’s gonna take a nap while we get some dinner,” Tessa tells Ben, presenting it as if it’s not a big deal. “Time to wash our hands so we can get some food!”

Tessa dotes on Ben throughout dinner and during the short time after that they get to play, Scott shooing her away to go spend more time with Ben while he cleans up. 

He knows he’s brooding but so far he can’t figure out what’s changed and he feels like he should know without having to ask, which is frankly ridiculous. Still, he can’t tell if she’d welcome his questions so he lets it go for now, lets her focus her attention on his son and hopes that they’ll get a chance to hash it out soon. 

Tessa uses the time together to get Ben changed into pajamas -- managing the baby’s least favorite activity with little fuss -- just in case he falls asleep on the drive back home. When it’s time to go, Ben is obviously reluctant, giving Tessa several kisses and hugs, and it’s only his sleepiness, which hasn’t tipped over into exhaustion yet, that allows Scott to coax him away. Tessa follows them out to the car, giving Ben one more kiss on the cheek in goodbye when he’s settled in the car seat. 

When she pulls away Scott can see plain as day that she’s hurting and he can’t hold back anymore. So he reaches into the car, makes sure Ben has both his lovey and his little cloth dinosaur so he’ll be occupied for the next few minutes, and then shuts the door. 

“Why?” is all he can ask. “I don’t understand what’s changed.”

“Nothing’s changed, Scott,” she tells him. It’s a lie, but it sounds like one she believes. 

“No. Something changed. One day you were practically living at our place, we were clicking, you seemed happy, Tessa. Very happy. What changed?”

“I mean it when I say nothing changed, Scott. Not really. I just...needed to wake up. And I did,” she answers cryptically. 

“Yeah, that still doesn’t tell me anything, Tess,” he says, the words coming out frustrated and harsh. 

She looks up at him and she, once again, has her mask on, “This is normal, Scott. What we’re doing now is normal, we just need to get used to it.”

He looks at her for a solid ten seconds, searching her face and noticing that she doesn’t break his gaze, as if challenging him. So he concedes and tries to give her a little bit, hoping it will coax more out of her. “You’re right, I know that this is normal, for you to need your space, and to live in your own home, but...I’d gotten used to you around and I miss you. So damn much.” The emphasis escapes unbidden. 

“I miss you, too,” she says. “But it wasn’t smart to keep going like that. I needed to...we needed to get back to normal.”

“This is a 180 degree turn, Tess. This isn’t just normal. It’s obvious that something prompted this but I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure it out and I’m coming up blank.”

She looks at him for a second, a look of incredulous disbelief all over her face. She’s just about to say something when Ben starts calling for him. His voice gets more and more frustrated as they stare at one another and it’s Tessa that breaks. 

“We can’t have this conversation now, Scott. Not in the middle of the street, with Ben needing to go home and to bed.”

She’s right, but she also leaves the city again tomorrow afternoon, this time for almost a week. “I’ll see if Alma and Joe can take him tonight,” he suggests. 

“Aren’t they in Toronto?”

Damnit. He pulls out his phone and starts to call Charlie before remembering he’s on the night shift this week. 

His frustration must be evident because Tessa touches his arm and says, “I’ll come over. Go get Ben settled and I’ll be right behind you. I just need to secure the cat properly.”

“I could put him down here,” he suggests, not wanting to put off this conversation for any longer than absolutely necessary. 

“No. Your house is better. Let him sleep in his own bed.”

He holds her gaze once again, and while she looks nervous and a little like she’s going to throw up, he knows she’ll show up. 

“Okay,” he agrees. “But come, please.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, and then she quickly hugs him, says, “Bye buddy! See you later!” one more time to Ben, and then runs up the steps and into her house. 

Ben falls asleep halfway through the drive to the house, though Scott is sure he hears him mention the words “kitty” and “Tess” more than a few times as his son talks himself to sleep. There is no way that anyone could mistake the love Ben has for Tess and Tess has for Ben. Which means he’s the problem, not Ben. And he has no clue what to do with that. 

When they arrive home, instead of placing Ben directly into his crib, Scott keeps a hold of his son and settles into the glider in Ben’s room, drawing all the comfort and fortification he can from his kid’s warm weight against his chest. Ben’s steady breath against the hollow of his neck is soothing enough that Scott can practically feel his blood pressure fall in response. 

He tells himself, once again, that this is all he needs. 

He stays in the rocker until he hears the alarm beep, signalling Tessa’s arrival. He allows himself two deep breaths, unsure of what’s coming, but knowing it’s going to be hard, and then he gently places Ben in his crib. Fate is on his side since Ben just scrunches up tighter under his blanket and then lets out a sigh, settling quickly. 

When he turns to leave the room, he sees Tessa there, watching from the doorway with an inscrutable look on her face. Fuck but he misses being able to read her more easily. 

Neither says anything as they walk down the hallway and into the great room. Scott moves to the kitchen and fills two small glasses with water, handing one to Tessa, which she takes. 

“Want something stronger?” he asks. 

“No. I’ll need to drive home.”

Scott’s stomach drops a little more. He didn’t even realize he was holding out hope that she’d just stay the night here at the house. 

“Okay,” he says. “Do I need a drink for this?” he asks. 

She huffs out a little laugh in response. “Maybe.”

Fuck. 

“Just rip the bandaid off, T. I just need to know what I did to send you running so fast. And then hopefully we can talk about what I can do to fix it. It’s killing me that something I did or said freaked out so much that you...went and got a cat.” The cat is the least of the issues but it’s the most concrete manifestation of whatever is going on in her head, so he goes with it. 

“You did nothing wrong, Scott. In fact it was pretty much the opposite.” She takes a long sip of water and then shifts on the couch so she’s facing him a little more squarely, though she’s still not meeting his eyes directly. “You used to be so volatile sometimes. You were a storm and it was so easy to get caught up in your cyclone of emotions and I had to protect myself. I had to protect both of us,” she takes a deep breath and turns away, her eyes shut tight. Whatever boldness she had attempted to commit to failing her now. “But now? You’re the sun. You’re so warm and inviting, and even more than that, you’re so steady and sure now. I found myself wanting to bask in that steady warmth and it was so easy to get drawn into your world. And with Ben? No matter how shitty my day or the world was, that kid...” she trails off and his chest tightens to see that she’s actually crying. 

“So why step away? If being around me and around Ben feels like the sun, why do you suddenly not want to be in my life?” All the rational thought that came from talking with his therapist earlier in the week has vanished and all he feels is this horrible combination of rejection and hurt. And more, he hurts for her and the pain she’s putting herself through.

She’s quiet for a few seconds and he watches as she swallows a few times, doing her damndest to find some semblance of her usual control. But then she finally looks up at him and there’s a power in her eyes, so sad and angry and frustrated, that he can’t look away even though everything in him is screaming at him to shrink away. He needs to meet her here; he knows that it’s essential for however they move forward. 

When she finally speaks again it’s on a resigned sigh that somehow builds momentum until her words are screaming at him, even as her voice stays low. 

“Of course I want to be in your life. Of course I do, Scott.” She swallows again, and this time her voice breaks and her words shatter him. “But I want it all. I want you and Ben and to be a family so bad that I ache from it. I want it _all_. I want to be your love,” the way her voice hitches on the word cuts him so deeply that he almost misses her meaning -- almost misses what she says next. “And I want to be his mom but you don’t want it. You want to be my best friend. You want my companionship, and that’s amazing, it really is. It’s such a gift. But you are going to find someone soon. Someone who you want it all with, and I just...need to be ready for that. And I need to give you the space for you to have that.” Whatever anguish and heartbreak was in her voice has been covered over so completely by the end that he’s left mystified as he tries to catch up with her. 

He’s so shocked that he pulls back a little, hands going slack and breath coming too fast. “You...what?”

“I’m so in love with you and I’m frankly a little furious about it, because I managed to stave this off for almost thirty fucking years and then...” Tessa throws her hands up in frustration. “But you are not in love with me, Scott. And you deserve to love someone and be loved by someone and as long as I’m always around -- as long as we’re essentially playing house,” she spits out that word, “That’s not going to happen for you. And I was stupid to let myself get this far, but I’m not stupid enough to have a front row seat for that.”

“But...” his thoughts have abandoned him and he is so adrift. “We don’t have that kind of relationship Tess. We’ve never -- we _promised_.”

That’s apparently the wrong thing to say because she lets out an uncharacteristically sarcastic little laugh. “Yeah. Okay. Good talk.” Then she shakes her head and stands, heading to the mud room where she grabs her bag, slips on her shoes and walks out the door. 

The sound of the door clicking shut is enough to pull Scott out of his stupor and he’s up and off the couch immediately, making it out the door and onto the porch before she’s opened her car door. 

“Tessa,” he bites out because suddenly he’s so angry amidst all the confusion. “You’re just going to leave now? That’s it? I’m in love with you, bye?”

“It didn’t seem like there was anything else to say, Scott. I obviously caught you off guard but holy shit, I don’t think you understand how fucking humiliating this is for me. I can’t just stand there watching you gape at me like a fish while I, yet again, split my chest open and show you inside.”

“I understand that, but you have to give me a second to catch up. I thought we agreed. We weren’t going to fall in love with each other.” 

“We were barely teenagers when we agreed to that,” she scoffs. “But yes, we’ve both been sticking to that. I tried so hard to stick to that,” she says as all the bravado rushes out of her and she has to exhale through pursed lips to rein herself back in. “I understand that nothing has changed for you, Scott. And I’m just gonna need a little time to find some equilibrium again, get my heart to really understand that you are not in love with me back, and the first step to that is not living with you, not pretending to be a mom to Ben.” She actually hunches in on herself when she gets those words out. Watching her bounce from stoic to absolutely flayed open in front of him makes him want to grab hold of her and never, ever let go. 

Almost without his own permission he asks, “Why are you so convinced I don’t love you back?” It’s a question he didn’t even realize he was asking. Mostly because he’s not in love with Tessa and it’s frankly cruel to dangle the idea that he might be out there when there’s nothing behind it but an intellectual exercise. 

“Do you? Love me back?” she asks. Well shit. 

“I love you. So much,” he says, but he can see that she knows exactly what he means by love. 

“Yeah,” she agrees. “That’s what I thought.” She looks like she’s gonna throw up and this time he can’t help but step closer. 

“You are so worthy of love, Tessa Virtue.”

“I know,” she replies, though she doesn’t look like she does. “But so are you. And since it’s not me, I need to give myself the space to move through the heartache. For your sake and mine. And for Ben’s.”

It’s only then that he remembers how Ben factors into this. How she actually said that she wanted Ben, too. 

Tessa cocks her head to study him and then nods. She steps toward him, kisses him right on the corner of his mouth, murmurs, “I’ll be in touch. Just give me some time,” and then turns away. 

As he watches her walk away he asks, “What if I just didn’t know I had permission?” It’s a question he genuinely doesn’t have an answer to yet. 

She looks back at him, and it’s like she can see right down to the heart of him and she shakes her head, “You have permission now. Does that change things for you?”

“No,” he answers honestly. “At least not yet.” He knows it’s maybe the cruelest thing he can say, but it’s the truth and if there is anyway through this for them, then brutal honesty, even uncertainty that may dangle hope only to snatch it away is the only way he can think of moving forward. 

“I can’t hope for that, Scott. I’m already trying to hold myself together right now. Dangling that possibility in front of me when you don’t feel it now is...”

“I know,” he admits. “But I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think I might need some time to see what happens.”

“Scott...”

“You don’t have to wait. Just keep living your life. I’ll go to Bratislava with my teams, you do your conference in Winnipeg and when we both get home...all cards go on the table and we figure out what’s next.”

“That’s only, what? A week and a half?” she asks. 

“Can you wait that long?”

“Do you honestly think it will change anything?” she asks, a little incredulous. 

Truthfully? He doesn’t know. But that’s enough to give him pause. That the answer isn’t an outright no. “I’m completely at sea here, Tess. And that’s enough to make me wonder. In the span of an hour I’ve gone from not even considering you a possibility, to having my whole world upended. No switch was flipped, not yet, but the fact that I’m so fucking bewildered tells me I need to take the time to figure it out.”

“I wish you hadn’t told me this,” she admits. “It’s going to hurt so much...”

At that he reaches up to cup her cheek, wiping some of her tears away with his thumb. “I know. I’m sorry. But...all cards on the table. ”

“Can you promise me something?” she asks as she cups her hand around his. 

“Yeah.”

“Be sure. Do whatever you need to do to be sure.” She sounds so vulnerable that he’s pretty sure he’d give her the world if she asked for it. 

He kisses her forehead and then presses his forehead against hers. “Promise.”

If Scott Moir isn’t in love with Tessa Virtue after nearly 27 years and two weeks, then he never will be. 

She pulls back and then goes up on her tiptoes, kisses him firmly on the lips, and when she turns to leave this time he lets her go.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, the response to last chapter was…a lot and amazing and I love you all. I’m still very behind on comment responses but they’re coming, I promise and I have read them over and over and they get me going. I just figured you’d rather get this chapter than wait for me to spend a few more days catching up on responses. 
> 
> I think we’re in the home stretch of this fic. There will be a chapter 10 and then a (probably not short) epilogue. Thanks to A and C as always for the encouragement, the handholding, and the eyes. I’m so lucky to have you two on board with me on this story. 
> 
> I’m so very, very nervous about this chapter but I think you’ll like it. So, ya know…settle in, enjoy, lemme know what you think. 😳

Scott’s mind is stubbornly blank over the next day and change. Anytime he starts to think through the situation with Tessa he gets a little bit queasy, and a lot nervous; it’s a kind of shitty time for Scott’s therapist to be on vacation. Instead he focuses on prepping Victoria and Kyle for their first Junior Grand Prix assignment since they all have to get on a plane on Sunday so his skaters can compete and he can shepherd them through it. He lucks out as all of his teams are so focused, no one notices that he's slow to joke or crack a smile. 

He can feel the clock ticking, though, and he promised Tess he’d be sure, so he’s going to do the work to be sure. Even if it means he breaks her heart all over again. 

When he’s halfway through Saturday and still completely unable to focus on the question of loving Tessa after his team is done for the day, Scott texts Charlie to see if he’d be willing to come over and hash “something” out with him once Ben’s asleep.

**Any chance you can come over tonight after the kids’ bedtime. I have something I need to work out.**

The reply comes about 20 minutes later. 

_I’ll be there around 9:30pm. You good till then?_

**Yep.**

And that’s the extent of their text exchange. An SOS call and an immediate agreement to help. He’ll have to figure out a way to repay Nicole and Charlie for monopolising one of Charlie’s only free weekend nights in ages. If he could get the completely devastated look on Tessa face out of his mind, he’d probably figure out a way to have this conversation over the phone, or over breakfast tomorrow, but Sunday is their travel day and he needs to spend as much time with Ben as he can in the morning, and mostly he just needs to figure out a way to tackle this question. 

Ben’s bed time is considerably earlier than Charlie’s arrival time so Scott indulges his son in a little extra play time, a slightly longer bath than normal -- during which he is almost able to put Tessa out of his mind -- and then he lets Ben fall asleep in his arms as he reads him story after story. As he allows the warm weight of his son, and his clean fresh from the bath smell, to bring him some semblance of peace, Scott knows one thing for sure: 

Tessa and Ben belong together. Her worthiness as Ben’s mom is not even in question. And he will do anything he can to keep them in each other’s lives. 

Anything but tell her he’s in love with her if he’s not. 

His watch beeps, startling him and causing Ben to stir slightly, so Scott gently lays Ben in the crib and shuts off the lamp. 

Charlie is in his kitchen filling up two glasses with water and then reaches into the fridge to grab Scott a beer. Scott shakes his head and opens a high cabinet, pulling down a decent bottle of whiskey. Charlie just raises his eyebrows in surprise when Scott pours two fingers into a lowball. Scott tips the drink toward his brother, asking if he wants some, but Charlie shrugs. 

“I’m planning on driving home,” he says. 

Scott just nods at him, then leads him out the back door. 

Except he can’t quite find the words to start so they sit in silence, side by side, for a good minute, the sound of the crickets and night birds accompanying the rustling of the wind through the trees. 

“As fantastic as this night is, you’re gonna have to give me something, man,” Charlie says, not unkindly. Just a gentle reminder that he’s here for a reason. 

“I...” Scott starts and then takes a sip of his whiskey. 

“Is something wrong with Ben?” Charlie asks. 

“No. No. Ben is great.”

“Are you sick?” Charlie asks, and Scott has to hand it to him that he really must have freaked his brother out if he’s jumped to the major illness conclusion. 

“I’m fine,” he adds and then blows out a sharp breath. “Tessa’s in love with me.” There. It’s out there. 

“Well, that’s definitely not what I was expecting,” Charlie answers as he leans his chair back on two legs. “And her being in love with you has you tied up like this because...”

Now that the dam has broken Scott vomits up the whole story in a slurry of words. How close they’d gotten this summer. How it was the happiest he’d ever seen her and how happy he’d been in return. Her question that night on this same damn porch, and then her pulling back and getting the cat. Then finally her confession and her anguish and the completely hollowed out feeling it’s left him with. 

“And now?” Charlie asks. 

“Now I think I break my best friend’s heart and possibly lose her altogether.”

“Because you don’t love her?” 

“I love her more than anyone else but Ben. And all of my family,” Scott corrects quickly. “I’ve just never been _in_ love with her.” Scott stands and moves to lean against the deck railing, staring out into the dark night still as bewildered as ever. 

Charlie stays quiet for a few moments, draining his glass of water and setting it down beside his chair. 

“Okay, I think you need to ask yourself a couple of questions,” Charlie says and then he stands to join Scott by the railing. “Is your love for Tessa the same as it is for, say, Sheri or Leanne or Cara?”

“No,” and a shudder of slight horror is Scott’s immediate response. 

“But it’s just as much?”

“Yes,” Scott answers, though it’s not true. He probably actually loves Tessa in a more encompassing way than he loves his cousins, as close as they are, and as much as he’d do anything for any one of them. 

“So then what is the difference between loving Tessa, fiercely, protectively, wholeheartedly,” Charlie pauses after each word to wait for Scott to protest, but all of those words fit. “And being in love with her?”

“It’s just...different?”

“I know,” Charlie agrees. “But how is it different? In this case what would get you from loving Tessa the way you do, to being in love with her?” 

“I don’t know,” he replies in frustration. 

Charlie gives him a look that pins him in place and says, “Yes you do. With other girls what did it feel like to be in love with them that made those relationships different from what you had with Tess?”

“There was a...thrill,” he answers. But the thrill never lasted and he almost always got to the other side of the relationship wondering if he’d ever been in love with them in the first place. 

“That’s all?” Charlie asks, genuinely curious. Scott realizes that they’ve rarely actually ever discussed the ins and outs of their relationships. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I think what mostly drew me into those relationships was the sense of newness. And sex.”

“So what are the pieces missing for you to be in love with Tessa?” 

“It can’t just be about sex,” Scott says shaking his head. 

“I mean, it’s certainly not just about banging, the sex component, but take a second and think about how you love Tessa and then tell me what is missing there?”

“It’s not just about sex,” Scott insists. 

“Then what else? Describe to me how you love Tessa, and what you love about her.”

“You know how much I love her,” Scott insists. 

“Pretend I don’t,” his brother insists, voice still even but with just a hint of an eye roll. 

Scott has to do a quick breathing exercise to keep his temper from flaring up and reminds himself that Charlie -- his incredibly taciturn and quiet brother -- is doing all this work to help him. The least he can do is try. 

“She’s kind, passionate, generous. She’s funny as hell, and her laugh makes me happy. And you should see her and Ben together. They can make one another laugh for a whole afternoon. She’s so good with him -- patient when he turns into a terror, and always so invested in how he’s learning and growing.”

“The Ben component is important but move away from that for now,” Charlie says, “Tell me more about Tessa.”

“She’s beautiful. Her smile is one of my favorite things to see. The work she’s doing with the foundation is incredible and I can listen to her talk about it for a whole afternoon. She’s comforting, always. Even when I don’t know what she’s thinking I always feel connected to her and comforted by that connection when she’s in the room.” Scott swallows as he thinks about this next part. “She has so much pain she carries around with her, and I thought it was getting better, but I’m scared that I’m just doubling it. Her ability to keep her pain from affecting how she treats other people is basically miraculous.”

The silence stretches out between them and Scott is almost buried under the grief of what this must be doing to her. And awe at how damn brave she’s been over and over. 

“It pains me to ask this, cause it’s Tessa, but if you feel like sex and attraction are what are missing, do you find her attractive?”

“Of course she’s gorgeous,” Scott answers automatically. 

“Sure, even I agree there,” Charlie answers, a little exasperated. “Are you sexually attracted to her?”

Scott hesitates here and finally answers with what he knows, “I don’t think about sex with Tessa.” It’s all he’s got. Tessa is a fucking phenomenal woman and is objectively sexy as hell, but when he says he doesn’t think about sex with Tessa he’s telling the truth. And he’s been told that’s fucking strange since he was 20-years-old and she started dating that Knight and he wasn’t jealous...at least not that she was dating someone else. 

“One more question and then I’m gonna go home to my wife,” Charlie says as he turns so he’s leaning back against the railing and waits for Scott to look up at him. “Do you want to be in love with Tessa?” 

Scott doesn’t let himself hesitate. “Yes.”

“Then focus on the one place where you have always been in love with her,” Charlie says, digging his keys out of his pockets and patting his brother on the shoulder. 

“What?”

“The ice, dude,” Charlie tells him. “You were always in love with her on the ice. It’s been a long time, I know, but you two were always freakish in that it was never fake on the ice and it was like you were two entirely different couples on and off the ice. I just think if you can somehow start there...”

He gives a shrug like, “But what do I know. I married the girl I’ve been with since I was a teenager.”

*

The hand off of Ben goes as smoothly as it can, but Scott is the one having a hard time letting Ben go this time. His mom must notice because once Joe has taken a very cheerful Ben back to the kitchen for a snack, Alma follows Scott out onto the porch. 

“Are you okay?” 

“No,” he answers honestly. He needs to meet his team and their parents at the airport so he doesn’t have time to break down now so he just says, “I hurt Tess and I don’t know that I’ll be in a position to fix it this time.”

Alma cups his cheek and shakes her head, “You love that girl from the tip of her head right down to her toes.”

Scott huffs out a harsh laugh and shakes his head, “Yeah. I do. But I don’t know if that love will do it this time.”

Alma gives him a curious look, but all he has for her is a shrug and a tight hug goodbye. There’s no time for anything else. Still as she squeezes him tight she reminds him. “Facetime works in Slovakia, I hear. If you need me.”

Scott kisses her cheek and gets in his car. 

*

He manages to sleep most of the flight, only waking a few times to ensure his team is okay and settled, though since they’re traveling with their parents, he has little responsibility until they get there. What sleep he gets is dreamless and as restful as he manages to get on planes these days, something he’s not sure he altogether deserves, but he’s facing several long nights in a hotel room alone and he imagines he’ll experience his fair share of restless sleep.

It takes a good bit of time to get settled into the hotel and other than some mental prep time with his team after a late lunch, and instructions that they go take a long walk with their families to get their blood flowing, Scott has the rest of the evening to himself. 

It’s daunting as fuck. 

He ends up doing something he’s never, ever done. He stretches out on the bed with his laptop on his lap, and searches for Virtue and Moir videos. It feels strangely voyeuristic and odd, and he rolls his eyes at how many different interviews he has to scroll through, but he finds an Olympic channel compilation of their Olympic performances and starts from the beginning. 

Except he can’t watch. It’s fucking painful knowing that even then she was hurting. It was a different hurt, but it was hurt nonetheless. And it’s hard to watch his jack-ass self be so damn flippant and cocky in the midst of it all. He skips ahead to Sochi, but the shared pain there elicits an even more specific ache. The games themselves were actually a blast, but the skates are the epitome of bittersweet for him and today the bitter is more intense than the sweet. 

No. If he’s going to start with the ice, he can’t watch from the outside. The ice, for them, was never really about what other people could see. It was about connection and belonging, and yes, so often longing, that was just between the man and the woman on the ice. People were welcome to interpret it as they wanted, and yeah, the intrigue worked to their advantage, but in the dance, they were solid, no matter what characters they were playing. 

Frustrated, he decides to change tactics so he shoves the computer off of his lap and grabs a piece of paper from his bag and starts a list. He hastily created two columns: Tessa and Ice Tessa. He doesn’t push himself to list everything he loves or finds intriguing or wants with and from her in each column, he has days ahead of him, they learned a long time ago that it helps to keep your thoughts tidy when you’re trying to work to the root of something. He stares at the page for a few seconds and starts writing. It takes him no time at all to fill out the front of the page and he considers turning it over to add more, but instead when he flips the page over, at the top he writes: Why not Tessa? 

He stares down at the page and after a full two minutes of chewing on his thumb he sighs and writes: The promise. 

Like the front, he has days to fill out the back, but from where he’s sitting now, there is not a single other thing keeping him from loving her. 

How can a promise made at 16 and 14, one she’s obviously broken anyway, still have such a heavy impact over the years? How much has their deep devotion to that promise shaped every decision they’ve made about each other over the years? Or did it? Maybe he never would have fallen for Tessa even without that vow. He tries to remember those early years, tries to think about if it had been hard to not find her sexually enticing then, as a fucking teenage boy. Did he have to work at it? 

It’s...blank. He remembers skating, he remembers working on lifts and steps and turns and holds and edges until everything ached for weeks. He remembers sometimes getting frustrated with her when she couldn’t get something right away, only to hear the voice of Suzanne, or Paul, or even Carol in his head reminding him that they’re a team. He even remembers the first time they had to slip into characters that were supposed to be into each other. It was awkward as fuck at first, but then it came so, so easy. And then the music would stop and one of them would crack a joke and they were just them again. 

But he cannot remember if he struggled. And that fact that he can’t remember it, is unsettling. It should assure him that he never felt any kind of lust or romantic affection, or longing to explore either of those things with her, but instead it just feels like there’s a significant chunk of him missing. 

After a run, where he purposefully puts all thoughts out of his mind, and a quick, steaming hot shower, he opens up his music app and creates a playlist. It has just their more lowkey romantic program music on it: Valse Triste, Symphony No. 5, and the Wango music, which he’s surprised he’s able to track down fairly easily. He considers Umbrellas, but he shies away from it and anything else with words rather quickly. He tacks on The Waltz Goes On and Pilgrims on A Long Journey. 

It takes him an age to fall asleep, but when he dreams, he dreams of Tessa and of him, and of them hand in hand, skating in circles around and around the rink. 

*  
The general lack of pressure on his team is, frankly, a touch unnerving. A top 15 finish here would be a success and between a more experienced Scarborough team taking Victoria and Kyle under their wing, and their parents handling the rest, Scott is only actually required to be “on” during practices and competition days. The RD is first thing on Thursday, which will be a welcome disruption to his thought life at the moment, but he has to fight to stay focused and keep his team dialed in during their practice sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. He does a decent job of holding it together long enough to talk them through their nerves and motivation in the evenings after dinner and then he’s left to his own devices at night. 

He adds a few more notes in the margins of both the Tessa and Ice Tessa columns, but on Wednesday night, when he turns it over to think about why he doesn’t or wouldn’t love her, he still has nothing to add. He considers adding, “Her feet are cold as fuck and do I really want to wake up to that every day?” to the back, but disgustingly he just flips it over to the front and adds to the Tessa column, “I will be able to keep her warm for the rest of our lives.”

What the fuck. 

So he decides to switch gears and does something that he knows he’ll regret in the morning, but desperate times and all that. 

He pulls out his phone and searches: Tessa Virtue Sexy. 

Scott is extremely aware that he will find a lot of fodder. He scrolls through and does his best to relax and view her both objectively and like someone who is seeing her for the first time. There is a lot to look at, from stills of their more sexually charged programs, to every purposefully sexy or flirty photoshoot she’s ever done. 

She’s hot as fuck, and he starts to get hard the more of her he sees exposed, but when he clicks on one from a photoshoot she’d done, maybe two years after their retirement, where she’s fully naked, with only strategically placed hands, he turns his phone off and has to refrain from chucking it across the room. 

The photos may be public, and they may have been empowering for her in whatever way she was seeking and he’s damn proud of her, but if he ever gets to see her unguarded and naked, he wants it to be her choice. He wants it to be about him. And he damn sure wants it to be about her. 

That night, when he turns on the playlist, he thinks about being one of those dancers he portrayed, the ones who got to dance with the girls they love. And it’s Tessa’s face he sees in these dreams, as always. It’s her skin under his hands, her hair whipping against his face, her breath on his neck. 

He is bereft when he wakes. 

*

“You two are ready for this,” he tells his team from behind the boards. The RD is kicking off this JGP event and his team skates first. They’re so prepared and their run throughs have been rock solid lately. He’s warned them that they may rank lower than they likely should due to drawing the first skate and this being their first time in front of an international judging panel. They both look terrified but determined and he’s never been more fond of them. 

He’s maybe regretting not pushing them harder into going to Lake Placid this year, but they have Minto and another regional competition under their belt, and both went spectacular, so here goes nothing. 

Victoria and Kyle nod at him, serious faced and a little grim as he squeezes their arms. Scott’s just glad the pattern this year is a fairly sedate waltz and not one of the ones that would require them to give more face than they’re ready for today. 

It’s a tight skate, but it’s clean and from his point of view they hit most of their key points. He really could not ask for more of them. He greets them with a huge smile and big hugs when they get off the ice and slowly they both start to blossom and realize that they just pulled off a very respectable international debut on the junior circuit. They chatter nervously in the kiss and cry and squeeze the daylights out of each others’ hands as their scores are announced. 

Scott is actually a little surprised at how high the marks are. Their TES is a point higher than what they’ve been getting domestically, and their PCS is probably better than he would have given them. If scores track what they’ve been at other JGP events this season, his kids should crack the top 15 easily. 

“I’m so proud of you two,” he tells them as they all hug again. Now comes the day and a half wait until the Free Dance. He hates when there’s that extra day between the Rhythm and the Free. There’s just too much damn time for things to go wrong. 

And too much time for him to wonder what the rest of his life is going to look like. 

*

That evening he gets to Facetime with his parents and Ben and it breaks his heart. Ben is still so little that when he sees his Dadda through the screen, but can’t get to him, it ends up just confusing him instead of comforting him. It goes so disastrously that they all know they can’t try it again and the next time he’ll get to interact with his son will be Monday when he gets home. 

Without a second thought, he shoots off a text to Tessa, lamenting the situation and wants nothing more than to take it back the second he hits send and realizes what he’s done. 

**I’m sorry. It isn’t fair for me to complain to you about this right now. I didn’t think it through.**

Scott sends his apology message immediately after the first message, but he doesn’t hear back from her for three hours and he’s just about to turn on his playlist and try and get some sleep when his phone lights up. 

_I can’t imagine not wanting to know what’s happening for you and him. But it does hurt. Especially knowing how heart broken you both must be right now. But also not knowing where I’ll fit into your lives or what kind of comfort I’ll get to give going forward._

He swallows hard and all he wants to do is call her and hear her voice and reassure her that she is loved and she will always have whatever place she wants to have in Ben’s life. But he can’t. So he settles for:

**There is no world where I don’t want you in Ben’s life. Or in mine. I wish I could give you more today.**

And then he’s about to send:

**Since you get in on Sunday, if you want to have some time with him I know Alma will welcome you. And Ben would be over the moon.**

But when he rereads it before hitting send, he thinks better of it. He sounds like a custodial parent granting pity visitation with the parent that doesn’t have custody, and as much as it may sometimes feel like that’s what this is, it isn’t, and he needs to give her the space he promised her. So instead he sends: 

**I hope the rest of your conference goes well, Tess. Safe travels.**

This time when he turns the playlist on, he stares up at the dark ceiling for hours before sleep claims him. 

*  
He goes on a walk through the touristy part of town on Friday night with his team and their families, but ends up wandering on his own before he meets up with Pascal to get drinks. They reminisce about old times over beer and street food, and he has to admit that, while he doesn’t think about their old coach too often, the man has always been supportive and helpful, encouraging and insightful when they trained with EPMISS. He’s glad he’ll likely see more and more of Pascal on the junior circuit as the seasons pass. His balance of enthusiasm and serious determination is something Scott could learn from. 

They say goodnight a little early, but Scott is exhausted and needs to make sure his team made it back to the hotel and to their rooms at a reasonable hour before he gets to find his own sleep. 

Tonight, though, instead of settling him or lulling him into dreams, the music makes him miss Tess in a way he’s rarely allowed himself to before. He wants to talk to his best friend about this girl he’s confused about. He wants to be able to pull from her well of wisdom and, if nothing else, hear her mock him about being 35 and having no idea if he’s in love with this girl or not. 

He misses her face and her smell and how warm her hugs are. It feels like it’s been an age since he’s hugged her tight and had her sag against him, putting all her trust in him.

This time, instead of doing a random search for her, he goes straight to the source and opens up his neglected Instagram app. 

He’s a little disappointed when he sees that over the last few years her feed is more inspirational quotes and pictures of flowers or architecture than pictures of her. Occasionally there’s a headshot of her along with text announcing one of the major conferences for the foundation, but those pictures aren’t the part of her that he’s craving. 

And then, there. About a year ago, before he knew she was back, there’s a picture of her and Jordan, probably just after a workout. Their heads are bowed together as they laugh. Tessa’s face is bare, and she’s only in a bra top and leggings and something about the lighting in the shot highlights the way her freckles scatter across her clavicle and he can’t look away. It takes his breath away. 

And there’s that thrill. 

He clicks away from Instagram, not in guilt this time, but so he can pull up a picture of her and Ben he has from earlier in the summer. 

And yeah...there they are again. She’s in a one piece swimsuit with shorts over them and they’re in his backyard and Ben has the hose and is pointing it at her as both of them giggle hysterically. And just as mesmerising, are those damn freckles all over her chest and across the bridge of her nose. 

He wants to taste her smile and touch her skin and discover every old and new freckle she could possibly have. He wants to make her laugh again and watch her flush and he also wants to see her and Ben together forever. 

Scott has to practically sit on his hands to keep from reaching for his phone to call her right then and there. He wants her. In every way. 

As he scrolls through his camera roll, he finds picture after picture of her, usually laughing, most often with Ben, but utterly and completely captivating. He wants to reach out and grab a hold of her, wants to feel her skin underneath his fingertips and her laugh against his chest. He wants to hear her voice in his ears and share in every kind of joy and sorrow she experiences and know that neither one of them ever has to be alone again. 

He takes a deep breath to steady himself and remembers his promise. Not the one to not fall in love with her, but the one to be sure. To not jerk her around. For the first time in a week, he has hope that he is not going to break her heart again and nothing has felt better. 

When he pulls out his phone, he scrolls past her name in his Recents and clicks on Charlie’s contact. 

**Her freckles**

_The fuck?_

**How did I not see all her freckles?**

_Are you drunk in Bratislava. Cause I think that’s happened before and it didn’t end great._

**I’m in love with her.**

_Ah. Yes. You are._

**I’d get pissed at you for not telling me but we both know it doesn’t work that way.**

_You’ve never done anything the easy way dude_

_Also, you’ve loved her freckles since you were fourteen and some kid at school made fun of them. You made sure she knew you thought they were great and made her look cool. You went a little overboard. I think mom had to tell you to back off._

That shakes a memory loose. 

After Alma’s talk about how he was likely adding to Tessa’s self-consciousness about the freckles, he stopped talking about them but he didn’t stop touching them. He’d trace them on her hand or on her shoulder when they’d be waiting for their next instruction. There was even one time, when he was fifteen when he dropped a kiss on her shoulder just because there was a larger cluster there begging to be kissed and the two of them were still figuring out the boundaries of their weird dynamics. Tessa had rolled her eyes, but it wasn’t too long after that, that they came up with the promise and his fixation with her freckles waned in its wake. 

**Fuck.**

_Go to sleep. And congratulations on figuring it out_

*  
For the first time in a long time Scott wakes up and is immediately jazzed to hop out of bed and start the day. He has to physically stop himself from texting Tessa so many times that he considers deleting her contact just to keep himself from fucking this up, but luckily there isn’t much time before he has to meet his team for their early morning practice.

He’s glad to see that they’re lighter today, and he wonders if they truly are, or if he just feels so much better that he’s projecting. When they pull off their step sequence with energy and more flow than he’s ever seen from them, and they celebrate with smiles and perfect high fives, he knows it’s not just him. He does his best to keep them all from getting ahead of themselves, but he has a good feeling about their skate later today. 

And he’s right. Their free is light as air and fast as he’s ever seen from them outside of practice. They’re still at a relatively low level of difficulty compared to most of the teams expected to make it into the top ten, but he couldn’t be more proud of them. They’re all pleasantly surprised when their higher than normal PCS continues from the RD and they hit every level they were aiming to hit, which is a nice bonus. They’ve certainly made a case to represent Canada at more international competitions this season, and if they can keep up this level, they’ll be in the running to be assigned to two JGPs next season. All in all it’s a remarkable debut. 

He stays with them until they both get changed into their Next Gen issued team sweats and start to head out to watch the rest of the competition. 

They’re just about to part ways when Victoria pulls out her phone and says, “Look who texted me! Can you believe she was watching?”

He has to take the phone out of Victoria’s hand so he can see Tess had sent her a text that said: You’ve both made Canada so proud today. That was a gorgeous skate. Congratulations! 🎉💫💃🏻🕺🏻🇨🇦

Fuck. Even when she has to be going through a shitty, shitty week, and she’s in the middle of her own conference and watching JGP Ice Dance means being up at 4:00am in Winnipeg, Tessa still manages to help his team feel seen and appreciated. 

“She’s pretty great, right?” he tells Vic, giving her and Kyle both quick side hugs. “And she’s absolutely correct. You did Canada proud, both of you. Now go have some fun.”

The two of them run off toward the stairs that will lead them up to the main arena entrance and looking at them and how young and innocent they are makes him ache, just a little. He can only hope that he can make their transition a little bit less lonely and a little less harsh, while still pushing their capabilities, than what he and Tess were having to handle at their age. 

*

His mom emails him a video of Ben running around their backyard, naked as the day he was born, yelling his head off as he tries to catch his bird friends. 

Scott watches it a few times, before switching back to his own camera roll and finding one of the videos of Tessa and Ben playing with the water again. He picks this one because the two of them are laughing their heads off for a full minute, until Tessa manages to snatch Ben up, and hold him to her. Instead of fighting her or laughing more, Ben just shivers and cuddles further into Tessa, like he sometimes does. 

Her hair is wild around her face, the heat and the water combined have made it a bit of a frizzy mess, and she’s taken on that hint of a tan that she can sometimes get, but there is a fierceness on her face as she holds Ben to her that strikes him right behind his solar plexus and then slides down into his gut. She is...everything. 

In that moment, Scott knows that Charlie was right, and Charlie was wrong. It did help somewhat for Scott to focus on the way he, the skater, was allowed to love Tessa, the skater, on the ice. Through those hours and programs and all the fluidity and hard work, Tessa gave everyone peeks into how multifaceted she could be. She was soft, and passionate, and hard, and angry, and flirty, and sad, and so, so new in love…

But Scott isn’t in love with the Tessa of the past. He’s in love with the woman she is now. The one who cares about the safety of girls she doesn’t know. The woman who will text his skater to solidify her confidence, who will get in a water fight and not give a rat’s ass if her hair gets ridiculous, but can still turn every damn head in the room if she chooses to at a fundraiser. He’s in love with Tessa, who loves his son fiercely and wholeheartedly, and who was brave enough to tell him what she wanted, even when she knew there was a very good chance she wouldn’t get it. 

And fuck if he can’t wait to get home to tell her.

*

After a torturous travel day full of delays, Scott is just glad he makes it out to his parents in time to get Ben before his son falls asleep. Ben is all smiles, wiggles, and happy squeals when he sees his Dadda taking his parent’s porch steps two at a time. 

“Oh Buddy!” Scott says as Ben launches himself out of Joe’s arms and into Scott’s. “I missed you so much!”

“Dadda!” his son says over and over as he clings to Scott for dear life. 

“I know, dude,” Scott continues, answering Ben’s babbling. “That was a long, long break wasn’t it!”

Scott gives his parents quick hugs and thank yous as Ben continues to cling to him like a monkey. They move inside and Scott is relieved to see all of Ben’s stuff ready to go in the entryway. 

“You must be starving,” Alma says. “I can heat you up some dinner quickly if you want to sit.”

“Thanks, mom, but I have to get going. We need to stop by Tessa’s before this guy falls asleep. It’s already going to be close.”

“From how much lighter you’re looking now than before, I take it you’ve resolved whatever was bothering you,” Alma says. 

“I hope so,” Scott tells her. He wants to tell his mom that he’s in love with Tessa, that he wants her for always and in all ways, but he needs Tessa to be the next person he tells. He’d been in shock when he’d texted Charlie that night, and he had needed someone else in the universe to know, but he’s determined that Tessa will the first one who will hear it out loud, so he shrugs, kisses his mom on the cheek, and instructs Ben to give kisses and hugs to Alma and Joe. 

Ben is happy to comply as long as he doesn’t have to actually leave Scott’s arms. 

“You ready to go see Tess, Bud?” he asks as the baby, who immediately whips his head off of Scott’s shoulder and starts bouncing excitedly. 

Ben starts babbling about Tessa and making quacking noises and then roaring noises as he lifts up his lovey to show Scott. 

“Yeah, bud! We’re going to go see Tessa!“

“Oh. That makes more sense,” Alma says as she follows them out to the car with one of the bags. 

“Huh?” Scott asks while dumping Ben into the carseat with exaggerated movements to distract his son from the fact that he’s going to have to be separated from Scott for the drive. 

“I kept thinking he was going to that picture of you and Tessa in the hallway and giving it kisses and then making snake noises. But he was just saying her name.”

Scott’s heart cracks open and he’s pretty sure pure sunshine pours out of it as he presses a firm kiss against his son’s forehead. “He loves her so much.”

“Just like his daddy,” Alma points out. 

Scott just nods and swallows around the lump in his throat and then closes Ben’s door, hugs his mom once more, yells out a goodbye to his dad, thanks his mom for watching Ben again, and then he settles into the front seat. Before he pulls out of the driveway he sends: 

**On our way. Ben’s coming with me.**

The bubbles indicating she’s typing something in response appear and disappear several times before a simple: 

_K_

appears. His heart breaks for her and he just hopes it wasn’t a bad choice to wait to tell her in person. He stowes his phone quickly, cranks up some music and starts the drive into town and to the conversation that will absolutely change everything. 

He spends the drive singing and talking to Ben. A couple of times he can see Ben’s head start to droop a little through the rear view mirror and he has to call out Ben’s name and remind him that he can’t sleep yet because they’re going to meet Tess. Ben smiles at her name but five minutes from Tessa’s house Ben gives in to his exhaustion and falls dead asleep. As disappointed as Scott may be that Tessa and Ben’s waking reunion will be delayed, he knows that this is likely for the best. 

When he pulls up to her house he’s completely overcome with nerves and kind of wants to throw up. For all he knows she’s already decided he’s full of shit and has started to move on. Unlikely, but it’s like every possible scenario runs through his head as he sits in his car and lets himself spiral for exactly 30 seconds. 

And then he takes a deep breath, gathers Ben’s bag and the baby himself. And then there’s nothing left to do but knock on her door. 

Fuck she’s gorgeous. 

When Tessa opens the door, Scott has to catch his breath for a second. First, it’s like now that his guard is down, he is completely bowled over by how fucking much he wants to hold her and never ever let go. How much he wants to keep looking at her and discovering what he had to have willed himself to overlook all those years. But second, she’s pale as a ghost and her lips have disappeared with how tight she’s holding her mouth closed and he both needs to approach this respectfully and also wants to just blurt out his adoration of her to get that look off her face. 

She barely meets his eyes as he steps inside and toes off his shoes at the door. 

“Oh buddy,” she whispers to the sleeping Ben as she runs her fingertips through his hair. 

“He was so excited to come see you, but I think the busy week with Alma and Joe was too much and he conked out on the way over. Where should I put him?”

“Um. The guest room has a pack and play in it, all set up. I have a monitor and everything.”

“Show me which room,” he insists instead of saying everything he came here for, right there with his sleeping son in his arms. 

She nods and leads him upstairs and he does his best to ease Ben into the playpen, which is always so much more difficult when Ben is asleep already because of how deep they are. He pats Ben’s back a couple of times when the baby stirs. Once Ben is settled, Scott kisses his fingertips, presses them against the back of Ben’s head and then heads out of the room. Instead of following him out, he watches as Tessa crouches down to look at Ben through the mesh sides of the playpen, whispers something to the baby, then stands and repeats his gesture before turning and walking past Scott and out of the room. 

As soon as they’re down in the kitchen, she’s reaching into the cabinet to get two glasses for water, but when she turns slightly he sees the tears streaming down her face and he can’t keep it in anymore. 

“Tessa,” he calls and reaches his hand out to implore her to turn and look at him. 

“We don’t have to do this,” she tells him without looking up. “We can figure out how to be friends but I don’t think I can hear you tell me that we’re just friends. I tried, I tried so, so hard to not get my hopes up but fuck this hurts so bad and I just...I tried, Scott.”

She looks up on that last bit and he can’t help but reach out and press two fingers to her lips and gently whisper, “Shhh, love.”

She shuts her eyes tight and it looks for all the world like she’s waiting for a final blow. 

“I am so in love with you Tessa,” he murmurs as he gets closer to her, moving his fingers from her lips, and down so he can hold her hand. “I don’t understand how I didn’t know that, and there _is_ going to be so much to work through. But, please hear me, Tess,” he says, waiting till she looks up to meet his gaze. “I will spend the rest of our lives making sure you know that not only do I love you more than I ever have, and it was always so much, but that I want you, and I need you, and I am in love with you.”

“Are you sure?” she breathes out, eyes wide and wild, searching his face for any hint of a lie. 

“I’m sure. And I’m so sorry it took me so long to get here.”

“You’re really sure,” she says again, but this time it’s less of a question and more of an acknowledgement. 

“Very,” he assures her. “And I would really like to hold you now if that’s okay.”

“Please,” she whispers through streaming tears. 

He pulls her in and buries his face in her hair and does everything he can to convey every bit of love and comfort through his body and into her hers as he hugs her to him. His own tears start to fall and they stand like that for a few moments before he feels her start to shake in his arms and realizes that she’s sobbing now. 

“Oh love,” he whispers to her as he follows her down onto the kitchen floor and holds her to him. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m so sorry, love. So, so sorry.”

She clutches his shirt and tucks her head into his chest and he holds her as she rides out the overwhelming emotion. That he’s never ever seen her like this is freaking him out, just a little, but he doesn’t begrudge her the release. She’s been his anchor for so long, he can take a turn. 

Tessa doesn’t cry for long and Scott sighs in relief when she starts to calm and she’s able to take longer, shuddering breaths, instead of the short, desperate gasps. He rocks her until she stills, holding on through it all, but immediately letting go when she pulls back quickly. 

“Sorry,” she whispers as she pulls out of his arms and hops to her feet. “I don’t know...” she looks around the kitchen, still a little bewildered and plucks a few tissues out of the box on the counter, and does her best to hastily clean herself up. 

Scott gives her a few moment’s space to pull herself together knowing that she needs it, even if all he wants to do is pull her back into his arms and make sure she knows he’s never letting go. While she’s at the sink splashing water on her face and catching her breath, Scott takes the water pitcher out of the fridge and fills the two glasses she’d gotten down. He slides one toward her and she takes it from him but still won’t look up at him. 

Once she’s drained the water down, he refills the glass and then holds his hand out for her. She hesitates for a second but when she slots her hand into his he shivers -- in relief, in comfort, yes, but also in how new it suddenly feels. She goes with him into the living room but lets go of his hand when he sits and settles in a few feet away from him. 

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“You really said you’re in love with me?” she asks her brow furrowed as she lays her head against her cushions and it kills him that she was so convinced he didn’t...couldn’t that she’s still so unsure. 

“Yeah, love. Is that okay?”

Her face softens, just a little and she slides her hand over and takes his in hers again, running her fingers over his veins and sending a skitter of shivers through him. “It’s good.”

“I’m glad that it’s good, Tess,” he tells her. “Very glad.”

“I love you, too. I’m in love with you, I mean,” she repeats, scooting a little closer and pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. 

“So why are you still sitting over there?”

“Because we...” she swallows. “I just need to be able to think.” 

Scott furrows his brow and keeps quiet, letting her figure out what it is she needs and wants. 

“Are we going to try to do this like normal people?” she asks after a few moments to formulate her thoughts. “Do we just date now?”

Fuck, he hopes not. 

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to be with you,” the words are fantastic but there’s a hesitation there so he waits for her to continue. “But the last few weeks have really sucked. And I think I’m going to need to take it a little slower than you may want.”

Scott smiles over at her, a little sadly yeah, but also just glad he still knows her well enough to have anticipated this. “Slow may not be what I want but I do know it’s probably what we need,” he agrees. 

“But you do want to go fast, right?” she asks, with a hint of a smile on her face. She’s got color back in her cheeks and she’s starting to sound more like herself and he’s not sad to feel the mood lighten just a bit. 

“If you’re asking if I want to find out what you taste like when I really kiss you, or if we’re as good in bed as I think we could be, yeah I’d love to get right on that,” he says with a wink that he hopes tells her that he’s both telling the truth but also expecting that they’ll take it all one thing at a time. But then he looks at her with as serious an expression as he can manage, “If you’re asking if I want you to move in with me tomorrow and be with me and Ben forever then, yeah. I’d like to get started with that, too.” This time it’s his turn to press a kiss to her knuckles. 

“I want those things, too,” Tessa admits as she shifts so she’s kneeling on the couch and scoots a little closer to him. “But there’s also a very large part of me that’s terrified to do any of that,” she admits softly while looking him directly in the eye. 

“Tell me what you’re scared of.” There are plenty of reasons to be cautious, but he wants to know what’s top of mind for her. 

“That you’ll change your mind, or that it won’t work as well as it should. That I’ll get more attached, or fuck, that Ben will get more attached and that...”

“You’ll lose him.”

“And that he’ll lose me. And that I’ll lose you. You two will have each other and I...”

Scott would love to deny the possibility of that happening, and in fact believes the chances of this not working out to be very, very slim, but all he says is, “We take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute, one stroke at a time, just like always. You and I are uniquely suited to committing to each other and seeing it through the good and the bad.”

“We can do that, yeah,” she agrees. And then she audibly sighs and rests her head back on the cushion and says, “I’m also worried about sex.”

“What worries you about it?” he asks, curious what has her concerned other than the general newness of the two of them exploring it. 

“With the endometriosis and then the surgery and then the hormone therapy to try and keep everything as regular as it can be, it’s just really hard to know what my libido is going to do. It hasn’t mattered before now because I wasn’t interested in finding a sex partner in the last two years, so I honestly have no idea what I’ll be capable of or how much I’ll be in the mood.” She turns to look at him and he can see how disappointed she is that this is her reality right now. So he leans over and presses a kiss against her temple. 

“It’s a lie to say that it won’t matter at all if you never want to have sex with me, because it will,” he admits. “But I have loved you without sex for going on 30 years, T, and we will figure shit out. Can you answer one question for me before we continue, though? Just so I can manage my expectations some?”

“You can ask anything,” she whispers. 

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

“Yes,” she answers. “Very much. It’s just, my brain is there, but it might take some work to get my body on board.”

“Okay. Then we’ll figure that out when you’re ready to start exploring that side of things.” He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t jonesing to explore the physical side of their relationship with Tessa, but she is his best friend first. It is ingrained down to his toes that he wants what’s best for her above all else. If that means they’ll have to work through how their relationship will work where sex comes in in a little more deliberate manner than he was expecting, he’ll do it. To keep her close and in his life? Fuck yeah, he’ll do that. “One other question first.”

“Yeah?” 

“How do you feel about kissing me?” he asks, with a bit of a smirk, trying to keep the mood as light and easy as he can given how fucking hard this conversation has been. 

The smile that blooms on her lips makes him want to fucking take flight. “I feel very good about kissing you,” she answers. 

“Can we kiss now?”

“Please,” she answers and then pushes up on her knees so she can be closer to him as he shifts so he can take her face in his hands. 

“I love you. So much,” he breathes against her lips. 

“I love you, too,” she replies and then they press their lips firmly against each other. 

They stay there, lips securely against each other's for a few long seconds, acknowledging that this is deliberate and savoring the choice. Then he tentatively flicks the tip of his tongue against her lips and that’s all it takes for them to open up to each other fully. She tastes like skin, and tears, and Tessa. He can’t help but smile into the kiss when she lets him in, and he’s pretty sure he’s never felt the exact brand of giddy that skitters over his skin when she smiles back against his lips. He pulls back to look at her and can’t help but go right back in so he can kiss the bridge of her nose, and then each of her cheeks and the corners of her mouth before she makes the best sound and dives in to kiss him full on the mouth again. He leans back into the cushions and is rewarded by her crawling up and onto his lap as she takes control of the kiss for a while. 

Her kisses are a wild mix of aggressive and thorough and when she retreats for air, he follows so he can kiss her again immediately after they gulp it in. His hands end up tangled in her hair, and he realizes that, for the most part, he’s never had free access to her hair before. While they were free with touch on the ice, there was little reason to touch her hair since it’d be pulled back into place during a skate and sprayed to within an inch of its life, whether one could tell or not. Now he threads his hands through her soft waves, only nominally aware of how they slip over his fingers like water or sand, or something more sense-making than his kiss-addled brain can come up with. 

He never wants to stop touching her. 

Scott is completely outside of time and sense when he feels her pull back for a second and then press her forehead against his chest as she catches her breath. He can feel his chest heave as he tries to steady his own heart, while he cups the back of her head in one palm and strokes down her back with the other. 

“We’re really good at that, hey?” she says as she huffs a laugh into his chest and slides so she’s wrapped around his side. He shivers when she kisses his chest before looking up at him with a bit of a smirk on her swollen lips. Scott rubs his thumb against her lips and laughs with her. 

“We’re extremely good at that,” he agrees, dipping down to kiss her again. It’s a simple, gentle kiss this time, more of a punctuation mark than the trip around the solar system like they’d just gone on.

“I know it probably contradicts everything I already asked you,” Tessa says, as she runs her fingers over a crease in his t-shirt. “But would you sleep here tonight? With me, I mean. I’m not ready to let go yet and I think it will be important for me to see you, here, with me when I wake up.”

Scott runs his fingers through her hair again and notices how she closes her eyes and shivers in response. “Of course,” he answers, his other hand reaching down to capture hers, linking their fingers together as he settles them in the center of his chest. “You wanna camp down here?” he asks, unsure if she’s inviting him up to her bed. 

“Fuck no,” she groans as she sits up. “This couch is comfortable but my bed is leagues better.”

The thought of sleeping with her in her bed, surrounded by her scent and able to feel her sleep-warmed body against him as they sleep is enough to make him dizzy and a little worried that he’ll never want to leave, but it feels like a gift and it’s far from one he wants to refuse, so he scrunches down a bit so he can look her in the eye. 

“You sure, love?” he asks. 

“I’m never going to get tired of hearing you call me that, you know?” she tells him as she presses another kiss right over his heart. “I’m sure. For tonight, at least,” she adds and though he knew it was likely Scott is still a little bummed that she’s going to want to pull back a little in the morning.

But he knows how methodical her process can be when she feels out of her depth and he won’t begrudge her the need to reevaluate things like their pace in the light of day. 

They lie like that for a few more moments before Tessa brushes a peck against his lips and then pushes herself up. Once she’s standing she holds her hand out to help him out of the corner of the couch that he’s wedged himself into and as soon as he pops to his feet he can’t help but use the momentum to pull her into his chest. They stand there and rock lightly on their feet for a few more moments before he squeezes her hand, pushes her hair off her face and says, “We should lock up, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Tessa agrees on a deep exhale. Scott can feel the weight of their combined exhaustion in the warmth of her breath as in ghosts over his neck. 

They make quick work of tidying up, refilling their glasses to take up with them, making sure the cat is taken care of (she’s been making herself scarce the last few days) and arming the alarm system, before Tessa links their fingers back together and leads Scott up to her bedroom. 

He has only been up here once, back when she’d finished the first set of renos and was giving him a tour of the place, the pride and joy on her face at having this space that was purely for her had filled him with a dangerous mix of warmth and jealousy. It wasn’t his best year. Now, as she tiredly leads him into her bedroom, he can tell she no longer truly occupies the space the way she once did. It is a comfortable place to sleep, but there is no longer any wonder, or even particular attachment to it, and that blows him away. She leads him to the bathroom and pulls a wrapped toothbrush out of the drawer, unwraps it, and slots it into the hole next to her own. 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have _your_ preferred make-up remover,” she tells him as she meets his eyes in the mirror and fucking winks at him. 

He’s so fond of her in that moment that he presses a kiss to each of her eyebrows on impulse. “I’ll muddle through somehow,” Scott manages to say, before applying some toothpaste to the brush she’s provided and indulging in a bit of a rush job to his oral hygiene. That Tessa brushes her teeth and washes her face just as hastily gives him a head rush. 

“Did you bring the monitor up?” Tessa asks, as she looks around the room. 

“Fuck,” he mutters, “Be right back,” he tells her, kissing her shoulder quickly before he takes the stairs down two at a time, grabs the baby monitor, and then rushes back up just as quickly. He almost passes Ben’s room when he sees movement inside and pokes his head in to see Tessa crouched next to the playpen again, her fingers resting against the mesh side. Scott pops down into a squat next to her and places his hand on her knee, squeezing it lightly. 

“For someone who is almost constantly on the go, he sleeps so hard and peacefully,” Tessa whispers. “I could watch him like this forever.”

“Yeah. There have been many nights when the only thing keeping me tethered to this earth is watching the way his cheeks sometimes puff when he breathes while asleep.” Tessa tips her head onto Scott’s shoulder and keeps staring ahead. After a few moments Scott can’t quite suppress a yawn, so he taps her knee once and then straightens up, cringing as his joints creak. They leave Ben’s room hand in hand and as soon as the door is mostly shut behind them, Scott turns to Tessa and says, “You know he’s going to be so happy to see you in the morning, right? My mom was telling me that he would go up to one of those pictures she has of us in her hallway and would give it kisses and say our names. It wasn’t just me he missed this last week.”

“I just...” Tess lets out a breathy, shuddering sigh and Scott has to pull her to him again. “I love him, Scott. More than I have any right to.”

“Oh Tess,” Scott says, “You loving him is pretty much the best thing in my world. Do you have any idea how happy your love for him makes me? I didn’t realize how fucking alone I’d been until you were suddenly there, with your calm and your joy and your sheer adoration of him that somehow matched mine? I know you need to be careful for the next little bit, I know you’ll want and maybe need to move slowly, but don’t doubt that all you need to do is say you’re in it and you will be Ben’s mama.”

Tessa shakes her head slightly and blinks up at him in disbelief, once again a sheer look of bewilderment and a glazed sort of shattered sheen fills her eyes and Scott has to swallow. 

“That’s probably too much to put on you right now, I know that. But you need to know that I won’t hesitate to let you take that title the second you ask for it. You said that day it’s something you want, and fuck, I want it for all of us so bad I can taste it, so just know that when you’re ready, it’s already yours. He’s already yours.” Scott pulls her hands up to his lips and whispers, “I’m already yours, too, Tess.”

Tessa stares at him for a few moments, eyes wide and a few tears escaping her lash line. Instead of speaking she leads him back to her room, and then sits on the edge of her bed and shakes her head. “We’re not doing a great job at going slow,” she jokes, but he can hear the truth of her apprehension underneath her forced lightness. 

“Yeah. That’s on me,” Scott admits. “I’ll try to slow down, Tess, but fuck, now that we both want the same thing...”

“Yeah,” she breathes out and looks at him half terrified, half incredibly fond. “I think I need to sleep,” she admits. “This last week has been...rough and...” Tessa just shakes her head and shrugs. 

“Okay. Yeah. Let’s sleep,” Scott agrees. 

Tessa pulls the covers back and moves most of the pillows to the small sofa she has sitting under her window. They both strip out of their outer clothes, leaving Scott in just his boxer briefs and Tessa in a camisole and boyshorts. She pulls a pair of pajama pants out of one of her drawers and a thin pair of no-show socks out of another and Scott asks her, “Do you usually sleep with pajama bottoms and socks?”

“When it’s cold,” she says, stopping before she pulls them on. 

“Is it cold tonight?” 

“Not particularly,” she admits. 

“If you want to wear them that’s one thing, but...” he shrugs. It’s not really his place to grant or withhold permission in this case, but he can’t help but ask. 

“My feet get cold and I know it bugs,” she admits. 

Scott can’t help but laugh for a second before crushing her in a tight hug that pins her arms to her sides, the sleep clothes clutched in her hands. “You sleep however you’ll be most comfortable, love,” he tells her. “I promise that your cold feet don’t bother me in the least as long as I get to hold onto you. If socks and pants will help you sleep tonight, I sure as shit am not going to stop you. If not, I’ll do my level best to keep you warm.”

She looks up at him and then leaves the pajama pants and socks on her nightstand before crawling into bed and turning to make sure he’s following her. It takes a few adjustments to find the right position for both of them that allows them to hold onto each other but still actually be comfortable enough to sleep. 

In the end, her feet are still bracingly cold, but after they’ve been tucked in between his calves as he curls around her, he finds two things to be right. He can keep her warm, and falling asleep surrounded by her scent is his new favorite thing. 

*

The sound of a very confused Ben calling his name through the baby monitor is far from the worst way to be woken at half past six in the morning just as the sun is rising. Ben doesn’t sound distressed so much as perplexed, but Scott knows that will likely change on a dime if a familiar face doesn’t show up soon. Tessa pops up from where she’s been sleeping against his side and he just catches himself from laughing at how disoriented and disheveled she looks. 

“Morning, love,” he says as he reaches up to cup her cheek, attempting to ground her in the present instead of that half-awake, but mostly still asleep state she’s obviously still in. 

“Hi,” she says when she looks down and sees him, sleep mussed as he must be, and grants him a gorgeous, sleepy smile as she remembers the outcome of the night before. “Hi,” she repeats before dipping down to drop a kiss on Scott’s jaw. They stare at each other for a few silent moments, drinking each other in, both still a little amazed at where they’ve landed after the last week. He’s just about to prop himself up so he can properly kiss her when Ben’s voice comes through the monitor again, this time more demanding and maybe a little scared. 

“Oh buddy,” Tessa says when she hears that note in the baby’s voice, too, and then slips out of bed, and shrugs on a thin, summer weight dressing gown, before Scott’s fully sat up. Part of him wants to let her go, let the two of them have their moment in private, but the other part of him wants to witness their reconnection, and maybe be on hand in case Ben woke up on the wrong side of the bed and really does only want his dadda instead of his other favorite person. 

Scott makes it to the door of the guest room just in time to see Ben smile up at Tessa, arms outstretched as she scoops him up and pulls him into a tight, rocking hug. “Oh Ben,” she tells him as the baby clings to her right back, “I missed you so much my love.”

Ben squeals in delight and tucks his head against her neck only to pop back up and look at her, patting her cheeks in excitement and then tuck himself back into her. 

When Tessa turns so that Scott can see more of her face where it’s pressed against the top of Ben’s head, he can see the tears streaming down her face, but for once they’re mostly joyful, mostly born of relief rather than the sadness that’s been filling her up the last few weeks. The watery smile she gives him is bright in the weak sunlight, and once again her freckles stand out against her slightly tanned skin and he feels that pull in his gut. 

Tessa holds her hand out to him as Ben chatters in her ear and Scott can’t help but pull both of them into his arms, chuckling when Ben chirps out an enthusiastic, “Dadda!” once he sees his dad there. 

“Yeah buddy,” Scott acknowledges. “You got Tessa now. Does that make you so happy?”

Ben’s answering giggle of delight as he gives a sidelong glance at Tessa and then his dad is the fucking cutest thing. 

They stand there for a few moments before both adults recognize that, holy shit, Ben is in desperate need of a diaper change, which makes them laugh as they tag team the wiggly boy who has woken up raring to go. 

They all head downstairs once Ben has been changed and both Scott and Tessa have pulled on some semblance of pants. Scott doesn’t even try to hide his smile when he sees that Tessa has opted to stay in just her camisole, though she’s pulled on the pair of pajama pants from the night before and the way they hang low on her hips is doing things to his brain that make no sense, given the number of times that he’s seen her exactly like this in the past. 

Once Tessa has Ben settled into a high chair with some cheerios and a sippy cup of milk, she and Scott focus on making breakfast, lemon water and coffee included. Tessa is quiet as she pulls out the eggs and butter and bread and Scott isn’t quite sure if she’s just back to waking up slowly now that the excitement has died down or if she’s mulling over something else. 

She doesn’t leave him in suspense long. “We’re not going to be able to go slow, are we?” she says as she bites her lip and looks up at him, while she waits for her lemon water to cool enough so she can safely sip it. 

“We can try,” he answers. “But yeah, I think at least on the Ben side of things...”

“He’s the most important part,” she breathes out. “That’s where we should be exercising the most caution.”

“If I had a single doubt, I’d agree,” he says. “And we can try and slow this down as much as possible, but Tessa...” Scott shrugs as they both look over at Ben. He notices their attention on him and gives them his biggest grin and laughs. 

“I think about him all the time. How do I already love him so much?”

“Because you’re both the best. You both have the biggest hearts, and I don’t know...you’ve found parts of yourselves in each other. It’s like you match. Like he and I do. Like you and I do. So different but the weird edges fit together.”

“Exactly,” she says as she takes a long sip of her drink.

“Still. Your pace, Tessa. You get to take the lead on this,” he says. 

“We should try to slow down, right?” she suggests, and she sounds so bummed about it, so he pulls her to his side as he keeps an eye on the eggs. 

“We can slow down,” he agrees. “I can take you on dates,” he says, finding the idea both intriguing and a little bit silly. 

“We’ve never been on a date,” Tessa says, shaking her head at how strangely inverted their lives are. 

“I have Friday morning off. How’s your Thursday night look? I’ll get a sitter for the evening.” 

Tessa searches his face for a bit, and he can see how flushed her nose and the tips of her ears are when she thinks about it. “I would like to go on a date with you, yeah.”

The little smile on her face is so fucking endearing that he can’t help but kiss her mouth. She kisses him right back and when she does pull away she’s smiling with her whole body. 

Together they finish getting breakfast ready, something they’ve done together a decent number of times. The cat comes out, distracting Ben from his breakfast, but Tessa manages to bring him back to attention over and over, like always. 

They spend the morning together, laughing as Ben chases the cat through the living room, rarely leaving each other’s orbit if they can help it. Ben has his short morning nap on her living room couch as Scott and Tessa doze off in each other’s arms. Then it’s lunch time and they spend a little bit of time outside playing in the shade of her large trees. Scott notices how neglected her yard is and has to swallow down how guilty he feels about that. She spent her summer in his yard when she was home in London, rather than working on hers. She hadn’t even hired a service like she has in the past. 

When Ben starts to wind down for his afternoon nap, he snuggles into Tessa’s lap and Scott can see how torn she is. 

“You should probably get him home,” she says, and he can hear the strain of how hard she’s working to keep her voice light. 

“We can stay,” Scott says. He wants to stay. Or at least he wants them all to be together. If that means sitting in her insanely comfortable deck furniture while looking out onto a rather ragged back yard, instead of the comfort of his own home, where Ben has his own things and routine, he’s willing as fuck to do that. 

“He hasn’t slept in his own bed in over a week, Scott,” she argues. “It’s amazing that he’s not more antsy.”

“He’s got you,” Scott says with a shrug. “He’s got us, so he’s happy.”

“Yes and we both want what’s best for him, which is his own bed and toys now that you’re back in town.” She presses a kiss against Ben’s slightly sweaty head and the baby looks up at her and pats his hands against hers again. 

The thing is Scott knows she’s right, but fuck if he is having a hard time seeing how Ben’s bed is more important than her arms. 

“You can come with us,” he suggests. He’s always going to want her with them. Always. But he also recognizes that a lot has changed for her in the last twenty-four hours and he’s not going to begrudge her some time to breathe. 

“I want to,” she admits. “But I think I need a little bit of...” she shrugs in apology. 

“You don’t have to be sorry for needing some room to figure out what the fuck just happened. It was a lot and you weren’t expecting it.”

“I really wasn’t,” she admits. “I’m so glad, it’s just...”

“I know, love,” he says as he stands up and presses a kiss against the top of her head, letting himself linger there for a few extra seconds before telling Ben, “Hey buddy, we gotta say bye to the kitty and to Tess.” Fuck if he doesn’t get choked up there. 

Ben gives him a bit of a stink face, but when Tessa tells him, “We gotta find Melly so you can give her kisses!” Ben easily slips out of her lap and runs off to find the cat, who is, blessedly, right inside the living room, laying in a sunbeam. Ben practically tackles the cat, who just lets him essentially lay down with her as Ben wraps himself around her. 

Scott wraps himself around Tessa in a similar fashion as they stand in the doorway and watch. “You take all the time you need, T,” he says against her neck as he tries to fortify himself to leave. “But know that anytime you don’t want or need that time, you don’t even have to call. Just come to us. We’ll be there, ready.”

Her only response is a nod and a kiss pressed against his neck. 

They stay there wrapped up in each other for a few minutes, until it becomes clear that Ben is falling asleep on the cat. Scott gathers Ben’s stuff, stows it in the car, dies a little inside as Ben kisses Tessa goodbye as she puts him in the car seat and then pulls her back into a crushing hug as soon as Ben’s door is closed. 

Scott kisses her as deep and as long as either of them can stand and is thrilled when she kisses him back just as intensely. 

“I fucking love you, Tessa Virtue.”

“I fucking love you, too, Scott Moir,” she answers against his mouth. “You’ll see me tomorrow at some point. This is not...this is just for a minute,” she tells him as she cups his cheek and for the first time since he got here yesterday he can see that she has confidence in this, too. “It’ll only take a minute.”

“You can have all the minutes you need, Tess,” he tells her around a lump in his throat. He presses one last kiss against her cheek and then climbs into the car, laughing when he looks in the rearview mirror and sees that Ben is already asleep. 

*

That night, just as he’s about to finally fall asleep, he hears his phone beep at the same time that he hears a car door slam. He pulls his phone off the night stand even as he’s making his way to his front door. 

Tessa is in his arms before he has the door all the way open. 

“I don’t want slow anymore. Sleeping without you already sucks,” is all she tells him, and he hardly cares about the specifics. She’s here, with him. Already. They’ll figure out the rest of it in the morning.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! I'm so sorry I haven't responded to comments but I legit cherish every damn one of them. For those who let me know of your continued interest, I owe you a debt of gratitude. For those friends of mine who commiserated and encouraged me week in and week out, you have my thanks, and to C & A, who are the exact betas I wanted and needed for this story, I love you both to the moon and back, don't ya know. ;) 
> 
> There is likely to be an epilogue, but I'm marking this fic complete for now. If you subscribe, keep it subscribed so you'll know when/if the epilogue gets written and posted. I said over on tumblr that there's a decent chance it won't happen until around winter break, since there's a very good chance I won't have time with full time work and grad school, but if this is where you leave us, then I wish you well in where life takes you. 
> 
> I hope the wait was worth it and this brings you joy and warm fuzzies. I love this family so much and already miss them. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, yeah?

Scott’s alarm startles him awake the next morning at 5:30am and it takes him a few minutes to realize that he’d forgotten to reset it for later, given that he has late starts most of the mornings this week. He listens to determine if Ben is already up, but there’s no indication from the monitor that he is, so Scott sighs and shifts onto his side, ready to go back to sleep. 

And then he feels her next to him and can’t help the smile that blooms across his face. It’s still too dark to make out her features but feeling her there, hearing her soft breathing, and inhaling the sleep-soaked scent of her fills him up to the brim. 

“I love you,” he breathes into the early morning and closes his eyes to try and get a little more sleep when she murmurs back. 

“I love you, too. Not enough to open my eyes yet, but a lot.” Her voice is so husky that he has to clench his fist against the heat that fills him. He’s discovering that pretty much everything about her is sexy to him right now which...eh. 

“Go back to sleep, T. Sorry the alarm woke you.” He leans over and presses a kiss against her shoulder.

“Do you have to go?” she asks, and he’s pretty sure her eyes are still closed just as she said. 

“No. I forgot to reset it. I don’t go in until noon today.”

“I want to sleep more but I also want to be awake and present when I’m with you right now,” she sighs. “Will you be bummed if we don’t sleep?”

“Is Tessa Virtue saying that she’d rather wake up before dawn to hang out with me rather than sleep more?” he asks.

“She’s reconsidering,” she mutters. 

“Can’t have that,” he says, lowering his voice and reaching out for her. He’s rewarded when she scoots closer and snuggles into his chest. 

They stay quiet for a few minutes and he’s pretty sure that she’s fallen asleep again, lulled by the sound of the pre-dawn birds, the whir of the fan, and maybe by his heartbeat, but then she sits up with a huff. And starts to slide out of the bed. 

“Where’re you going?” he asks, thoroughly bewildered. 

“I have to pee,” she says on a bit of a whine. “It’s distracting.”

He can’t help but laugh, until he realizes that yeah. Him too. Just maybe a little less urgently. 

“If you gotta go, go,” he teases her and he’s 99% sure that she sticks her tongue out at him. When she heads out of his room and down to the hallway bathroom, he’s a little perplexed but takes the opportunity to use his ensuite bathroom to relieve himself, and then figures he might as well brush his teeth. 

When Tessa returns and leans against his open bathroom door way, she holds up her own tooth brush and quirks an eyebrow in question. 

Scott spits out the foam in his mouth and rinses it quickly. “Yeah, that belongs in here,” he agrees. He presses a kiss to her forehead as he passes her, and flicks on his lamp as she heads into his bathroom to brush her own teeth. He settles back so he’s sitting against the headboard and checks his phone, cringing at the time. 

He’s reading through an email from Paul detailing some of his notes about Vic and Kyle’s competition, when Tessa crawls back into the bed and lays down next to him. He doesn’t hesitate to return his phone to his nightstand and lift his arm so she can squeeze under it. 

Once she’s comfortable he asks her what her schedule is like this week. 

“It’s fairly open, just a lot of work from home stuff and I have two conference calls with people who want to look at our model for their own federations.” She runs her fingertips up and down the center of his torso as she talks, which is distracting as hell, but not so distracting that he misses the significance of those calls. 

“That’s huge!” he says, squeezing her other hand in excitement. 

“Yeah,” she admits. “Unfortunately, I have events out of town, for four out of the next six weekends,” she sighs and then continues, “I assumed I’d need the distraction...”

That is disappointing but also makes a lot of sense. He doesn’t really have much of a response other than to squeeze her hand again in acknowledgement, this time also pulling it to his lips and kissing her knuckles, a little in apology and a little just because he wants to. 

“I can see about shuffling some of it around, but it’s mostly fundraising opportunities and talks that have already advertised me being the draw so...” she sounds apologetic and he’s not having any of that.

“Tessa, you have a job that requires a lot of travel. So do I. There will be times when being apart is going to suck, especially with all of this so new, but you’re so fucking good at what you do, and it’s needed, so I can’t begrudge you your work.”

“I know you don’t, you never would,” she says as she sits up and faces him. “But I think that I’m going to want to reduce my travel now. Kaetlyn’s been asking to take on more, and Kirsten has signed on to do some work on risks that are specific to pair girls given their daredevil personalities and fear of losing their partners...I think it should ease up for me, or at least change to a little more home-based work after nationals, and then I’ll mostly just be traveling for fundraisers or major issues but...”

The fall is going to be rough, is her point. 

“We’ll work through it, T,” he tells her. “Just like we always do.”

“I know. I’m excited about that part,” she admits. “Doing stuff as a team again. I’ve missed it.”

“Exactly!” he agrees. “And yeah, we may not be in each other’s pockets as much as we once were, and it kind of sucks that as you start traveling less, I’ll probably be traveling more if Vic and Kyle continue on this path and as Paul relinquishes more and more of the other travel duties to me, but we’ll figure it out.”

Tessa doesn’t respond other than to hum in agreement and slide back into his embrace. 

“Can I admit something?” she asks after a few minutes of silence that has lulled Scott into a bit of a trance as he feels her chest rise and fall against his side. 

“Hmm?” he asks as he brushes his fingers through the end of her hair. 

The furrow of her brow says that it’s going to be something serious, but she shakes her head and blinks at him, and says, “I’m finding you ridiculously attractive right now,” as she looks up at him and gives him her most innocent expression. 

He can tell that wasn’t what she was originally going to say, but he lets it go and plays along, looking her up and down. Fuck. “I’m pretty damn attracted to you right now, too,” he says as he brushes her hair off her face and kisses her. 

Tessa deepens the kiss almost immediately and it’s not long before Scott’s slipped down so he can get a better angle and then they’re lost in each other on his bed. It feels so good -- _she_ feels so good -- with Tess’s whole body pressed against his, her moving from his face to his hair, down to his chest, her fingertips skittering across his shoulders like she can't decide where she most wants to touch. 

Scott has to focus pretty hard to keep track of his own hands, though for the most part he has one tracing the line of her spine under her camisole and the other is threaded through her hair, but the noises she’s making are so damn distracting and the weight of her belly pressed against his clothed cock is just this side of too much as they’re honest to god in his bed, necking like teenagers. He’s just about to call time-out to check in with her and see exactly what she’s wanting from this morning when the baby monitor starts to crackle to life. 

Tessa freezes on top of him and Scott’s hands still, but neither pulls back, the kiss suspended as they wait to see if Ben’s just shifting or is actually waking, and then they hear Ben’s sleepy voice saying “Hi,” to his stuffed friends and Tessa smiles wide against his mouth and then nuzzles her forehead against his, grounding herself and catching her breath and Scott has to laugh. 

“How is he the cutest human being on the planet?” she asks and there’s such a combination of affection and love and wonder in that question that Scott loves her just that little bit more than he did a moment before. 

“Got very, very lucky,” he answers. And as frustrated as his body is at the pause and likely end to their physical activities, he’s so amazed at how much she loves Ben that he barely notices. 

“You did get so lucky,” she agrees with the softest smile on her face, though it’s still a little haunted and wary and he cannot wait till she gets to a place where she’s able to let those ghosts go. “He says hi to his stuffed animals, Scott!” she exclaims and squeezes her eyes shut like she’s overcome with the cuteness. “I can’t stand how precious he is.”

Ben continues to chatter in the background and Scott can already tell that there’s little chance that Ben will be left for his full morning alone time if Tessa has anything to say about it. And whether she knows it or not, Tessa has full say about it. 

They listen to Ben greet his day for a few more minutes before Tessa pushes up to a seated position and asks, “Please?” giving him her most adorable pleading expression and he has to kiss her. So he does. 

The quick kiss turns a little more heated when she, unexpectedly, leans into it and licks against his lips and, fuck, he really wants to deepen it, but then Ben squeels at something and Tessa pulls back and clasps his hands and just gives him a look that makes him want to give her the world, and this is the easiest thing to give to her so he squeezes back and tells her, “You can absolutely go get him. But Tess,” he says as she hops off the bed. She cocks her head at him and waits expectantly. “You don’t have to ask me. I trust your judgment.”

“That’s…” she starts but can’t seem to finish her thoughts. The fear and worry in her eyes says it all, though. 

“We’ll have that conversation later, yeah,” he agrees, but tugs on her hand to pull her to him for one more kiss. It’s quick and mostly just a way to try and help ground her after throwing her there. When she pulls back he asks, “You okay if I go take a shower. I’ve got an issue...”

Tessa nods and then smirks at him. “I’m aware of the issue. Feel free to think of me while you’re resolving it,” she teases as she winks at him and then heads down the hall to greet Ben. 

“Tessa Virtue!” he calls after her. Her laugh drifts back to him and damnit Tessa, so happy and light like this, is something he hasn’t experienced in so long and never quite in this way. It’s amazing. 

She’s amazing. 

He’s just about to push out of bed to take his shower and quickly take care of his boner, when he hears Ben’s cry of delight through the monitor when the baby sees Tessa. 

“Hi! Hi!” Ben greets her, and Scott can see him pull himself up by the crib bars and bounce as he waits for Tessa to grab him. 

“Hi Buddy!” she replies. “Good morning, love. Did you sleep so good?” she asks as he clings to her and then they both step out of view of the monitor. Ben incoherently chatters at her in response and Tessa keeps up her end of the conversation. Scott hears the swish of the glider and knows she must have settled into it and as much as he’d love to eavesdrop on the rest of their moment, he decides to leave them to it and go take his shower. 

The warm water is relaxing and nice but it isn’t long before images of Tessa laid out on top of him, her face close, her hair falling down around her face, and the feel of her as she moves on top of him, kissing him for all she’s worth, start to take over and he surrenders. When he takes hold of his dick he shudders just a little. He’s refrained from getting himself off this last week while he was sorting out his feelings about Tessa, and even after he figured out that he was in love with her _and_ the damn had broken on his sexual attraction to her -- he didn’t feel like it was respectful to jack off to thoughts of her while she was in such turmoil. Now, with the scent of her filling his brain, and the feel of her hair still ghosting against his fingers, and with her fucking permission, he let’s himself feel while he envisions the subtle flush that creeps over her chest and cheeks, and how her mouth tastes, and how her hands feel against his back, and yeah, that didn’t take long at all, he thinks, as he comes, fast and hard and with a half-choked moan spilling from his lips. He didn’t even get to picture her naked...

He allows himself a few moments to catch his breath before he finishes cleaning up. 

Coming always feels good, and there’s a release of tension in the doing that he didn’t realize he was needing, but he doesn’t linger long. He has to go to work in under six hours and he wants to spend as many seconds with Tessa and Ben in that time as he can.

*

They’re halfway through breakfast when Tessa asks, “It would be bad if you just didn’t take him to Callie today, right? Like, it’d mess up his routine?”

Scott looks up from his food and cocks his head in question. 

“I’m just going to be so busy after next week and I was thinking I could keep him. Maybe today and Thursday? I have those calls on Wednesday, but the rest of my work for this week is settled or can be done during his naps...” It sounds like she’s justifying why she should get extra time with Ben and Scott can’t help but squeeze her hand. 

“T, you can take him whenever you want,” he says. “He isn’t going with Callie today, though. Something dental is happening so she’s off this week. Ben is going to my parents.”

“Oh, I don’t want him to miss out on time with them,” she says, sighing deeply. 

“He just spent a week with them and they were definitely doing me a favor since they’re both still working and Mom was just going to take him with her while she heads into the rink later and does her paperwork. So there are a few options. One, I carry on like we’d already planned. Two, you could probably go with him for the first part of the afternoon and make her day. She was just talking about how much she’s missed you. And then you can take him off her hands when she actually has to work. Three, I can take him over there and then you can pick him up later if you’d rather not spend the afternoon at my parent’s place. Or four, you can tell me right now you want to keep him here or at your place and I call my mom and tell her that you’ve got it covered.”

“Have you told them yet?” she asks quietly as she stares down into her cup. 

“I called them yesterday during Ben’s afternoon nap,” he says as he cups her cheek, in hopes that she’ll look at him. It works and she has such an apprehensive look on her face that he bawks a bit. “Is that okay?”

“What did they say?”

Does she honestly think they were anything other than thrilled? “They adore you, Tess,” he breathes. “They were so excited my mom started crying and I could tell she couldn’t stop smiling and my dad just kept saying, ‘Well isn’t that something special.’ He sounded choked up, too.” 

“Oh,” Tess says as she exhales and nuzzles her cheek against his hand. 

“You can’t be surprised about this, T. They’ve always loved you.”

“I just...how much do they know? About me?”

Scott’s heart sinks at how unsure she sounds. So he brings his other hand up so he can cradle her face between them, presses a long kiss to her forehead and says, “T, my family knows you. They _know_ you. And they know every piece of information they need to continue doing that forever. No new information they get is going to change the fact that they are stoked to finally get you for --” he cuts himself off before he gets carried away. “Even when you’re ready to tell my mom, or any of them, what you’ve been through, that’s not gonna change. So get the thought that they’ll think you unworthy out of your head.”

She sucks in a breath and nods slightly. “I know. I do. I just get stuck in that place sometimes.”

Scott kisses her firmly, willing every ounce of assurance into it. 

As he pulls back Ben shrieks out, “Kisses!” and they both laugh as they pull apart. 

“You want kisses buddy?” Scott asks as he stands up just enough so he can give Ben a big kiss on the cheek. 

Ben kisses him back and then looks around Scott so he can see Tessa. “Tess kisses,” he says, still mostly just a string of ‘s’ sounds as he smiles gamely at her. 

“Always my love. You can always have Tess kisses,” she answers as a smile spreads across her lips and fills up her face with a light that chases away the heaviness from thirty seconds before. Tessa stands and leans over to give Ben a quick kiss on the lips, despite the fact that he has jam all over them, and then she peppers his face with kisses, setting off a riot of giggles from Ben. “You can have all the kisses you want, Buddy.”

She has to stop when Ben starts coughing in his excitement, deftly handing him his sippy cup of milk and coaxing him to drink it. She convinces him to eat a few more bites of his eggs and toast and then gets him cleaned up, chatting away with him the whole time, responding to his jabbering as if she has any idea what he’s saying. 

Tessa stays with Ben while Scott finishes getting ready for his day and answers some relatively urgent emails, but all he wants to do is be with them any minute that he can, so he finishes up quickly and joins them outside. 

Ben is off having his adventures while Tessa is tapping away at her phone, likely answering emails of her own, but she looks up and smiles at him when he joins her on the swing. She shakes her head when she sees that he’s sitting a normal distance away from her and nudges his arm so he lifts it and then scoots so she’s tucked into his side. He drops a kiss to her hair and she looks up at him with a content smile that fills him up. He leans down to kiss her as she stretches up to kiss him and they linger there for a few long seconds before she pulls back and looks back out at Ben who is picking up rocks, looking at them very seriously, and then setting them back down before moving on to another. 

“Have you had a chance to tell your family yet?” 

“I told my mom,” she answers. 

When she doesn’t say anything else he debates whether he should let it rest or probe. A week ago, he would have decided it wasn’t any of his business, but now, whether or not Kate, the woman he’s known since he was a kid, approves of him is something he should be prepared for. So he squeezes Tessa hand and asks, “Does she not approve of you dating me?” 

Tessa whips her head up and shakes her head emphatically. “Oh Scott, no. That’s not the problem at all. I’m the part of the equation she was worried about, not you.”

While that answer sets one part of him at ease, it baffles the rest of his sensibilities. “What was she worried about then?”

“Worried isn’t the right word. She just wanted to make sure that I was sure all of this is what I wanted, and maybe to ensure that you knew...everything.”

“And do I?” he asks, gently. “Because it feels like you’re waiting for some other shoe to drop and I...” He knows that given the irregular growth pattern of their relationship, knowing each other so well and for so long, only to discover this new aspect of their relationship after all these years, they’re going to have to work through some shit before the find themselves settled and on truly sure footing, but he’d be lying if he says he doesn’t just want to rush through to the end. 

“You do,” she says with an emphatic nod. “You know about the hysterectomy and Ty and how disconcerting I found my resulting insecurity about those things. But you learned all of that as my friend -- my best friend maybe -- but not as someone who was going to make a life with me. That winter, with the surgery and my subsequent response, I think it threw my mom and the rest of my family for a very big loop to see me so...affected and they just want to make sure we all know what choices we’re making. Including you. My mom actually said she didn’t want my heart broken, but that she didn’t want your heart broken, either.”

“I did break your heart, though. I know that, love,” he murmurs against her hair. He hates that his obliviousness hurt her so deeply when she was still healing from the last blow. But he needs to make a couple of things clear. “As for me going into this with my eyes wide open, I am. The thing about life is, there will be other things that pop up and take the rug completely out from under us -- things neither of us will be prepared for -- but I do understand that I won’t be having biological children if I’m with you, and that’s okay. If it means I get you? For life? That Ben gets you? Shit, Tess, there’s nothing that outweighs that for me. If it’s a choice between you and any other dream, it’s you, hands down. It’s so obvious now that it’s what I’d been hoping for.”

Tessa turns and kisses him, long but soft. “I love you. I’m so glad you love me, too. That you want me.”

“Anytime you need a reminder, T, I’m glad to provide one.”

They sit in silence watching as Ben trips along, creating some sort of nest with a pile of sticks and other detritus. 

“I wouldn’t mind spending time with your mom, but maybe you or I should text her and see if she’d rather I take him over there today, or if she’d rather I just keep him here?” Tessa suggests as she rubs her thumb over his. “Ben is going over there tomorrow, too, right?”

“Yeah. And it’s a regular morning so he and I will head over pretty early.”

“I don’t have to buckle down and prepare for those calls until eleven tomorrow. I could take him over a little later in the morning, get a little time with Alma then?”

“That can work. I’ll text her with the changes and then maybe you can follow up on when you’ll take him over tomorrow?”

“Perfect,” she replies, and it really does feel very close to it. 

Scott shoots off a text to his mom and she immediately sends back a sweet response, assuring him that she’s okay with the changes and is looking forward to having coffee with Tessa tomorrow. Scott shows Tess the exchange and she just smiles and sends a text of her own to Alma before sticking her phone back in her pocket. 

“Can I assume it’s okay for me to take Ben over to my place to play with the cat?” Tessa asks as she traces the veins on the back of his hand over and over. 

“That’s a safe thing to assume, yes,” he replies. “He really loves her.”

“He does! And she seems to enjoy the attention well enough, which is good.”

“It is good,” he answers. And then he realizes that even though she said she didn’t want slow after all, there is her house and the cat to consider in the equation. “Are you hoping that we’ll split time between here and your place?” 

“Oh god no,” she replies as she shakes her head. “I’ll probably hold onto my place for a little bit longer...just to be sure, but I’m hopeful...” she trails off with a shrug. 

Scott cannot suppress the grin that takes over his whole damn face at that answer. “I’m hopeful, too.”

“Yeah?” she asks, though it’s less about getting extra reassurance and more just playing along. And then she bites her lip and gives him that sheepish look that has always killed him when she’s pulled it out and asks, “How exactly do you feel about having a cat?”

Scott’s laugh is high and enthusiastic and he can’t help but hug her to him and kiss her hair. “Any cat? No. Your cat? Is the sweetest thing and she is very welcome in this home.”

“Good to hear,” she answers. And then sighs, “I’m a little worried about moving her again so soon, but I also don’t want to leave her alone all the time. I’m hoping she’ll be as calm and sweet about this as she is about everything else.” 

“We’ll work it out even if she has a hard time,” he assures her. He hadn’t exactly been wanting a pet while Ben was still so little, but that was when he was parenting alone. Now that he’s got a partner, he can handle having a cat, too. 

His watch beeps a reminder that he needs to get going and he sighs heavily before squeezing her more tightly and breathing her in, fortifying himself for time he’ll be away from her. He’s already addicted to her smell and her warmth and that damn laugh she gets when Ben does something silly. 

He does get a little extra time with the two of them simply by not needing to head over to Ilderton before heading back to Kitchener and he savors every second. 

When it’s time to head out, Scott gathers his tablet, notebook, and other essentials, packs them into his backpack and then heads back into the living space to find Ben in nothing but a fresh diaper, sleepily draped over Tessa’s chest as she reclines back onto the sofa. She’s talking to Ben in low tones and her hand lazily moves up and down the baby’s back. Scott would love to join them on the couch, but instead he kneels on the floor next to the couch and gives them both kisses goodbye. 

*

“Hello Scott,” Kate answers on the third ring. 

“Hi Kate. Am I catching you at an okay time?” he asks as he pulls off of the lane that leads away from his house and onto the highway that will take him to work. 

“No, no,” she answers. “Now is fine. How can I help you?”

He appreciates that she gets right down to business. 

“Well, I was hoping to take Tessa on a date Thursday night and my parents have commitments. I was wondering if we’d be able to take you up on your offer to watch Ben sometime.”

“That’s wonderful,” Kate says, her voice soft and a little watery. “I would love to. Do you want to bring him here or would you rather I go out to your place?”

“Whichever you prefer, though there’s a chance it could be a fairly late night.” If he blushes when he says this to Tessa’s mother, then at least she can’t see him.

Kate just chuckles and says, “How would you feel about that sweet boy spending the night here at my house?” She offers. “You and Tess can pick him up and have breakfast here. Say, 9:00 or 9:30?”

“I’m afraid Ben wakes up considerably earlier than that, Kate.”

“I’m aware,” she tells him and he can hear a smirk in her voice. “I just figure you and Tessa might enjoy a later morning.”

He gets a little choked up at how happy and accommodating she seems about all of this. “That would be fantastic. Thank you.”

“I’m happy to do it,” she tells him. “I hope I get to know your son very well in the near future.”

“Yeah,” he breathes out. “I hope that, too.”

They say goodbye and Scott can’t help but feel lifted as he continues his drive into work. 

Kate Virtue approves. It’s a rather remarkable feeling.

*

Just as Scott is leaving work he gets a text from Tessa.

_Packing some stuff up at my place. Maybe you want to meet us here? I’m going to try and bring Melly to your place and see how it goes since I’ll be there through the weekend. That sound ok?_

Tessa packing stuff, including her cat, to essentially move in with him, as his girlfriend this time, sounds so much better than okay.

**More than ok! I can grab some food on my way over and we can eat there?**

_Perfect. Xoxo _

He picks up some sandwiches and a couple of brownies from a deli in town that’s open for dinner as well as lunch. 

When he enters her house, Ben is laying down in a penned-in area, cuddling Melly while Tessa is working on her laptop at the dining room table. She has four suitcases already packed and waiting by the door, and Scott can feel that thrill shoot through him again at how right this all feels. 

He kisses the top of her head as he sets the bags down on the table in front of her and he has to smile when Ben calls out “Hi Dadda!” without moving away from the cat. 

“Hi Buddy,” he calls over to his son, but leaves him be since he seems content. 

Tessa holds up a finger indicating she’ll just be a moment before she continues typing out her thought. Scott hums to indicate his understanding and then goes about getting their dinner plated and their drinks sorted.

His progress is halted when he feels her hug him from behind. He leans back into her embrace, cupping his hands over hers and pressing his head back to rest against hers for a beat. “How’d it go?” he asks as he turns in her arms to give her a proper hug. 

“I love him. He has so much energy and does not really love being told what to do but I love him.” 

“Well, the little stinker loves you too, so at least it’s mutual,” he replies, laughing. Lord knows Ben can be stubborn, and is very fond of getting his way, so most days spent with him are a constant decision tree of what battles are worth fighting -- what battles are about helping Ben grow and learn, and what battles are just about Scott asserting his dominance and authority. Nobody gets it right one-hundred percent of the time, but if Scott had to bet -- and he basically is betting on it -- Tessa is going to get closer to the mark than Scott will. Her patience, when it matters, is seemingly endless and she’s never been much for power games, at least not in the traditional sense. 

“He does seem to think I’m okay,” Tessa concedes with a shrug. 

Scott raises an eyebrow at her. Talk about damning herself with faint praise. “Hey Ben,” Scott calls out as he pulls away from Tessa every so slightly. He hopes this works. 

“Dadda!” Ben calls back as he sits up from where he’s cuddling the cat and looks toward his dad with his head cocked, looking like a confused puppy. 

“Buddy, you love Tessa, yeah?”

Tessa snorts and shakes her head at Scott. 

“Yat!” Ben shouts as he bounces on his butt next to the cat and gives them both his tooth-filled, cheesiest grin. 

“See!” Scott teases as he presses a kiss against her lips. They both know that Ben has no real understanding about what he’s agreeing to, but it doesn’t make it any less true. And that’s what’s important. 

*

Ben is shy when they first get to Kate’s Thursday evening, but he warms up quickly when she shows him the toy chest that lives under a window in the family room and before long he’s giving her his cheesiest, most charming looks as he shows her each block and doll and car that he pulls out of the chest. Once he’s happy and distracted, Scott goes over Ben’s general night and morning routine and makes sure that Kate knows she can call him if needs be. 

“I also have Alma’s number,” Kate assures him with a sly smile that tells Scott she’ll likely be calling his mother before calling him or Tess unless it’s a big deal. 

Scott just gives her a pointed look, and sighs as she continues to stare him down. 

“I’ve raised a few kids, Scott. And I’ve been around a few babies lately. We’ll get along just fine. I’m looking forward to getting to know him better,” she tells him as she looks over to Ben. “It’s been so long since there was a little boy in this house and I’m sure I’ll need a nap tomorrow afternoon...” she shrugs with a fond, wistful look on her face. “I’ve only had granddaughters to this point.”

Scott falls back in time five years and doesn’t even ask before pulling Kate into a hug. He’s already got his arms around her when he realizes just how impulsive the act is, but when Kate hugs him back, as soft and fragrant as she’s ever been, he breathes out his thanks. For tonight and for all the future nights. For wanting this for them almost as much as they want it themselves. For already loving Ben...for all of it, really. 

He gently kisses her cheek and then lets her go, blinking away tears. 

Tessa and Scott say goodbye to Ben and Kate, and while Ben gives them both a little frown in confusion as he sits in Kate’s arms and dutifully waves goodbye at her prompting, Scott knows better than to look back after the initial wave goodbye. He squeezes Tessa’s hand and she gives him a tight smile in return. As soon as they’re both settled in the car and he’s backing out of the driveway, she hooks her pinky between his middle and forefinger, their hands automatically slotting into the handhold that’s most comfortable for them when they’re liable to squeeze the life out of each other. 

“Nervous?” he asks. 

“Little bit,” she admits, wrinkling her nose sheepishly. 

“Me, too,” he says. “But the good kind.”

“Definitely the good kind,” she agrees. 

He pulls her hand to his lips, dropping his kiss on her pinky and squeezing slightly. They spend the rest of the drive in companionable silence, hands clasped together on the center console. 

He was able to snag a table at a farm-to-table restaurant set on the edge of an apple orchard a few miles from the skate shop that Tessa had been meaning to try since her move back to London. Scott watches as she smiles that tiny, pleased smile that she gets when she’s experiencing a new place, and he’s glad he suggested it. They’re seated on a lovely patio, lush with greenery, vibrant flowers, and an amazing view of the sunset. The weather won’t allow for this kind of dining for too many more weeks and he’s glad they were able to get a table on such short notice. 

Tessa orders their wine, and they order their first course and then the server encourages them to wander around the garden if they’d like. Scott raises his brow at Tessa in question, gauging her interest in the suggestion, and he’s thoroughly unsurprised when she pushes back from the table and stands, holding her hand out to him. They’re a few steps away from their table when Tessa gasps and turns back to pluck their glasses of wine off the table, taking a quick sip of her glass as she walks back to him. Her throaty hum of approval at the taste makes Scott’s mouth go dry and he clenches his jaw against a small groan that wants to escape his throat. A relaxed and happy Tessa is hotter than the sun. 

She opens her eyes and peers up at him with a knowing quirked eyebrow and a crooked smirk, then she stands on her tiptoes and kisses the corner of his mouth and turns to lead him down the path a bit. 

They take turns identifying the different plants and making it up when neither of them know. He points to a yellow daisy looking flower and he asks her what it is. 

“Everybody knows that’s the Sister Act daisy, Scott,” she tells him with a faux intellectual tone. “It was cultivated in the late 1990s by a an avid fan of the red-headed nun and is meant to look like the happy face daisy alarm clock, but he couldn’t quite get the center to look like a face.” She manages to keep a straight face for all of three seconds before she breaks and they both burst into laughter at how stupidly entertaining this game is. 

Scott points toward a bed covered in blue flowers and asks, “What about that one?”

“Oh,” she breathes out as she moves over to where he’s pointing, biting her lip as she lightly caresses the blooms. “This is blue phlox,” Tessa tells him almost reverently. “Nonee always had these in her back yard. She’d call them her reverse clouds because they looked like fluffy blue clouds against her white fence.” 

“We’ll have to get some for the front walk-way,” he suggests as he plants a long kiss against her temple.

“That would be lovely,” she murmurs as she rests her head against his shoulder for a few moments. 

They wander for a few more minutes, discussing what they might try and do with the yard during the next planting season and he decides then and there that their house is going to have flowers outside for as long as the weather will permit, and inside all fall and winter long now that he remembers how much she adores having them. Their host informs them that their salads and small charcuterie board are ready, so they walk back up the steps that lead them back to their table. 

The conversation flows as easy as breathing during their meal and it feels like the ultimate indulgence to not have to rush. They spend the meal trading bites of the different things on their plates, touching whenever it makes sense and often when it doesn’t. He loses count of the number of times he touches her cheek or she nuzzles his shoulder, or one of them skims their thumb over the skin of the other’s knuckles or wrist.

The light touches build and build until he gets the check settled and leads her out to the car, except she doesn’t get in, instead leaning back against her door and drawing him in to kiss her. It’s long and thorough and she tastes like chocolate and wine. He pulls back to breathe, and she pulls him in again, and her hands are in his hair and he almost forgets where they are, already kissing down her neck, when a screen door slams shut and they break the kiss in response. 

“Your place or ours?” he asks, voice ragged.

“My place is closer, but...ours?” she asks, voice equally shaky, but there’s a hint of wonder in that last word that makes him kiss her again. 

“Ours,” he both clarifies and agrees. 

Tessa’s smile is radiant, even as tears gather in her eyes and a few slip out. And then she laughs and kisses him again, before turning to open her door. 

He doesn’t remember much about the drive home other than the way she clutches his hand even tighter than she had on the way out, and how she hums along to the 90s R&B that’s playing on the radio. 

They’re quiet and calm as they head into the house, lock the door behind them, and make their way hand-in-hand to the master bedroom. Scott sits on the bed and Tessa stands between his spread legs and stares down at him, myriad emotions flitting over her face in those brief moments. 

“Talk to me, T,” he coaxes gently. As much as he imagines they both would love to just continue what they’d been doing in the parking lot of the restaurant, he knows this is going to be a process for them and slow, methodical, caring, is needed. He needs to listen to her, read her body in a way he’s never had the privilege to, and they need to remember that this is about intimacy more than sex. 

She sighs heavily and presses her forehead against his. “I love you and I want you and I have zero idea how my body is going to respond and that’s terrifying. I don’t want to disappoint you, or me, for that matter.”

“How did your body respond during and after dinner?” he asks gently. 

She licks her lips and gets a slightly dazed look on her face, “I got hot and my heart was pounding and I didn’t want to stop kissing you.”

He surges up and kisses her a little sloppily and a lot desperately and there’s that throaty moan that kills him every fucking time. He pulls back and the drops feather-light kisses along her jaw and down her throat. “Fuck, Tessa,” he whispers harshly. He sets his hands on her waist and lightly slides his thumbs up and down her flanks, kisses her right where her cleavage starts when she shivers at his touch. “I want to be with you, in whatever way that feels good, in whatever way you are ready for. We’ve got all the time in the world and the journey is going to be fucking fantastic. There is no destination here, unless you say there is. I want to know you, the good, the frustrating, the beauty, the scary, the sad, and the happy. As long as you let me know you more and more, you will not disappoint me in this.”

Tessa hugs him to her chest and holds him there for a few moments, and if Scott presses a few more kisses to her clavicle, and purposely makes sure his breath ghosts along the tops of her breasts, she doesn’t seem to mind. 

And then she steps back and pulls her summer dress up and over her head, tosses it onto the dresser. Scott’s mouth goes dry again as he sits back and admires her. She’s wearing a light pink lacey bra and underwear set that almost disappears into her skin and she has the slightest flush across her chest and neck. Her freckles stand out in that way that he adores, but most of all, despite a softening over the last five years, she holds herself with a knowing confidence that belies how nervous she was a few minutes ago. She knows she looks amazing, and in that knowledge she’s even more of a knockout. 

“Fuck,” he groans and does his best to keep his hand off his junk. “I want to touch every fucking last inch of you, love.”

She smiles and rolls her eyes a bit, and then hops on to the bed, one leg tucked underneath her, the other dangling off the side of the bed. “Your turn,” she commands as she waves her hand at his clothes. He strips down to his underwear as efficiently and unceremoniously as she did, though she shifts so she’s sitting back on her heels at the edge of the bed and watches him intently as he does so. 

Scott slowly steps up to her and cups her jaw in one hand before telling her, “You’re such a dream, Tess.” And then ducks to pull some lube out of his nightstand and adds, “Anything that doesn’t feel good, you tell me and we do something else, no harm, no foul.” 

“No harm, no foul,” she agrees. “And same to you. If you’re not feelin’ it in anyway...or even if you just get bored or tired...” 

She says it so matter of factly that he just nods his head to indicate his agreement, even as he’s sure his eyes are screaming, How could I ever find touching you boring? 

In the end, after two hours of exploring and learning each others tells, both good and bad, they end up wrapped up around each other, both with soft smiles on their faces, feeling simultaneously more content than they have since they were children, and energized with the knowledge they have the rest of their lives in front of them to discover each and every old, new, and ever evolving truth about each other. 

“Can I admit something,” Tessa asks, and Scott is reminded of when she asked that the other morning, only for her to deke at the last minute and confess something different that time. 

“Anything you’re ready to,” he answers as he skates his hand up and down her naked back. 

“Part of why I was so okay with not having kids before is that I didn’t want to have to make decisions that would be about choosing what’s best for my kid versus what’s best for my career.”

Scott swallows down the feeling of dread that starts to well up in him. He knows, deep down, that Tessa is just working through her feelings about how her impending change in title for Ben will likely affect how she approaches her career, but he can’t help the little spike of fear that she’ll suddenly realize that it’s all too much and change course. He keeps his mouth shut and waits for her to continue. 

“I’m still worried about it, but mostly because right now? I want to shove all the work and all the worry at someone else, tell the board they need to hire another director, go to consult status and just spend like 90 percent of my time here, focused on helping raise Ben. So much changes in a weekend and...”

That was not at all where he thought this was going to go and he has to squeeze her to him as he tries to come up with a response. 

“It’s hard,” is what he lands on. “Finding a good balance. Not letting it all exhaust you or overwhelm you. Missing little things with Ben sucks, and I am extremely aware at how lucky I've been to be here for most of his firsts so far. But this past week when Alma and Joe couldn’t get him to calm down when he was so sad on our Facetime call I really just wanted to call it quits. Find a job that will require way less travel, that lets me always be with him when he needs or even wants me, especially while he’s still so little. And it’s just going to get worse.”

Tessa leans up to kiss his jaw in comfort, which is the opposite of what he’s trying to accomplish, so he continues, “But I fucking lucked out with my family and the support system Ben and I have. We got so lucky, and yet...” Everything else he wants to say feels like it’s too damn soon and is too much pressure. 

“We talked about it once, remember?” she asks. “The day he called you Dada for the first time for real, and he’d been so upset while you were gone. You asked me if I thought it’d be easier for him if he had a mom...”

“I remember,” he whispers. 

“I want to be that for him. Another anchor. Someone he clings to and can find comfort in when you’re gone. But I don’t think it’s something that you or I just get to decide and it’s done. He has to see me that way. He has to feel me that way and that will take time, and me being gone as much as I will be these next few months is going to slow the process down even more. He won’t have months and months of dedicated time with me like he had with you in his first year before you had to leave for more than a few days at a time. But it also means he won’t miss me too much, yet. Cause I won’t be his Mama yet. I have to earn that.” She sighs and presses a kiss to his chest before continuing. “But I want to start. I want to start earning it.”

Scott dips down to kiss her hair. “You started long before you told me you loved me.”

“I really did try not to,” she admits. “But he’s so...and you’re amazing with him and I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“Tess, love. You have to know that we all want this. He loves you because you care so deeply and openly and haven’t successfully held back any part of yourself from him. Because you’re his Mama. You just are. And I have faith that we’ll all make it through together, but I also know that, if for whatever reason you and I have to call it quits, that you will continue to be his Mama. I will never take you away from him. Knowing how much you want him? I could never.”

“Promise?” she asks, her voice thick with tears and her face tucked against his neck. 

“I promise. I will never separate you two. And I’m gonna work hard to make sure you never need to leave me either.” He can’t imagine ever wanting or needing to leave her. 

Tessa takes a few shaky breaths and then sits up and faces him. 

“Would it make me a horrible person if I wanted to start being called Mama when you’re talking to him about me? We’ll have to look up how to do effectively transition him for using Tess and I know it might take forever...but is it stupid to want that already?”

“Horrible? No. Stupid...there will likely be some people who say so, but you’re not a new person in his life or mine and considering I almost told him to say bye to Mama when we left him at your mom’s house? I think we go with our gut here and let us all be what we are.”

The way her eyes go wide and fill with tears again right before she leans down to kiss him, only for happy, awed laughter to bubble out of her and into his mouth as he smiles back. Her shocked, happy, adrenaline filled laughter will always be one of his favorite sounds. 

“Thank you,” she whispers before laying back down half on top of him, her head right over his heart. 

“Thank _you_, love. For all of it.”

*

They wake up early and do a little more learning, a little more growing together, a little more laughing. 

And then they go pick up their son from Kate’s. 

Ben runs up to them and grabs both their legs when he sees them at the door, and he seems perfectly happy for Tessa to be the one to pick him up. Scott stays tucked in close to them and kisses his son’s head in greeting. 

“Did you miss your Dada, love?” Tessa asks as Ben looks over at Scott and pat’s his Dada’s shoulder in agreement. 

“I think you missed your Mama, too, didn’t you buddy? You missed your Mama Tess a whole lot, huh.” Ben just tucks his head into Tessa’s neck and hums contentedly. 

There are tears in Kate’s eyes as she watches them, and Scott’s pretty sure they don’t leave until breakfast is over and they’ve left Kate so she can drive to Toronto and get some Fiona cuddle time in. 

Ben is fast asleep when they pull back up to the house, clouds threatening to open up. Scott grabs Ben’s essentials while Tessa gently extracts Ben from the car seat, effectively soothing him as he stirs a little and then relaxes into her arms again. 

“Shhh, my love, Mama’s got you,” she murmurs against Ben’s hair, and Scott’s pretty sure he’s never seen anything more gorgeous in his life. 

When Tessa settles on the couch instead of putting Ben down in his crib, Scott doesn’t hesitate to set Ben’s things down quietly, and then join her in the space between his favorite people and the arm of the sofa as he pulls them both back against him and watches Tessa watch their baby sleep. 

He knows as well as anyone that it’s rarely going to be this easy, that this is a blessed week, a true gift. It’ll be a struggle sometimes, maybe often because there are no perfect people in this family, but he’s sure, in that place in his gut that has never, ever steered him wrong, that what they’ve got is rare and as good as it gets on this planet, and he aims to keep them both forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love, as always. And feel free to come find me at boo-writes-stuff on tumblr if you want to talk about this fic in public space with me, or peacefulboo over there as well if you want to talk fic or figure skating in general. Love y'all. Let me know what you think, yeah?


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